ALUMINUM FOIL: IT'S NOT JUST FOR DINNER ANYMORE

By Tim Colin
Most people have it. No one admits to owning it but, you can find aluminum foil in the kitchens of billionaires and squatters in foreclosed houses. Most people think aluminum foil is for cooking diner. I decided to test the assertion that aluminum foil is what people cook their dinner in. I have heard that many gourmet chefs serve baked potato which has been wrapped and then cooked in aluminum foil. I even found a recipe that told me how to wrap the potato and to bake it for 8 minutes. I followed these instructions and placed my aluminum wrapped potato in my microwave and pressed start.

After the fire was put out, the fire chief told me to never again put aluminum in a microwave. I told him I had a recipe for baked potato which called for it to be wrapped in aluminum foil. The chief held up his fire ax like he wanted to hit me with it then, just stormed off mumbling the words “stupid idiot under his breath.

It seemed at that point pretty obvious that aluminum foil was never intended for use as a cheap cookware substitute. I had burned up my microwave and my apartment smelled like grandpa Jakes still after he added an old wheel barrel tire to his mash to give his whisky a special kick. He sold a batch of his special kick whiskey to some Chicago bankers who were up north on vacation. Grandpa will be getting out of prison soon after serving 30 years for multiple homicides. The special kick made eight of the bankers kick the bucket.

Of course not only did my apartment stink but, it was drenched with water. It dried out pretty fast though thanks to the fact that I was on the 2nd floor so the water drained quickly down to the apartment below mine. The couple that lived there had no sense of humor. We have not been on good terms since that incident. They seem to still have issues with me. At least that’s what they told the judge when they sued me. The case was dismissed since I didn’t spray the water, the fire department did that. The couple thought I should pay anyway and be a good neighbor.

After my day in court was over I decided to continue to pursue the mysterious use of aluminum foil. I would have pursued the mystery of plastic wrap but, everyone can see right through that stuff (LOL). That was a joke and “LOL” means “Laugh Out Loud” for you people who don’t text. Anyway, my inquiring mind wanted to know what was up with aluminum foil.

I was so desperate to find out about aluminum foil that I did a world wide internet search on MSN. That yielded one result. It was the web page and email address of Agleanonon Bagdhayordapaydadoe who was located in India where, all aluminum foil is made. Mr. B told me that aluminum foil is found under very large elephants who like to show off how tough they are by doing a belly flop on top of 10,000 empty beer cans at once. The beer cans are crushed and fuzed together like they had been nuked. The metal is also, more finely presed than can be done with even the latest in space age technology. Of course the elephants first have to guzzle the contents of the cans during the annual elephant beer drinking contest in Mumbai. You know the one they show on You Tube all the time.

Mr. B went on to tell me that after the finely pressed aluminum is removed from under the elephants, it is carefully cut and wrapped around cardboard cylinders then, sent off to the United States to be sold mostly at neighborhood liquor stores . It then occurred to me that I had no new information. I was back at my neighborhood grocer and coffee place. But then, Mr. B remembered than another major customer was a company called “Brain Search Stoppers”. Mr. B gave me the address of this company and as luck would have it, the company’s world wide headquarters was across the road from my office and next door to the pizza joint that prints $1 off coupons like the government prints money. And, although it is printed on the coupons that they are just like money, my brother Mike lost his house when he tried to pay the rent with $1.00 off coupons. Now he lives like a troll under a bridge.

The president of the company was not in however, his brother was in and was more than willing to talk to me. It seems that the company owner employed his younger brother but, treated him very poorly. The younger brother was made to do all sorts of nasty jobs like running errands and cleaning the bathrooms. The younger brother complained that he received very little pay and even less respect from his older sibling.

I inquired as to what aluminum foil was used for. The brother told me that certain in the know government and big businessmen made turbans out of the foil to keep out mind controlling messages the government sends out each time there’s a full moon. The brother explained that the crazy behavior some people have during a full moon is not because of any gravitational pull or anything else to do with the moon. The crazy behavior is just a bad reaction to the mind controlling signals the government is sending out. The brother went on to explain that the rich and powerful know all this and that is why they make an aluminum turban each time the moon is full. To make sure they are never without the aluminum material to make a turban, aluminum foil has been marketed to everyone as something to cook with even though you can’t use it in a microwave.

I asked the brother if he knew what the messages were about that were being broadcast by the government. The man said he had no idea but, he had heard that they had something to do with aliens from another world and spaceships. He said he did not know anymore.

So there you have it. Aluminum foil is only good about once a month when the moon is full, to keep out some government signal sent into our brains that has something to do with outer space life forms. Personally, I will be stocking up on aluminum foil and taking some everywhere I go. I’ll also be looking at the moon cycles on the calendar a lot more closely. The next time the moon is full I’m going to wrap my head like a baked potato.