INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION DECLARES INDEPENDENCE FROM EARTH

Artist Concept of a Great Leap

By Tim Colin

Editor, HNN Online Publications

This is breaking news.   It is being reported today in the early morning hours that the International Space Station has formally declared that it is an independent nation and will sever all ties with the planet earth.  This reporter has come by this exclusive story via a private written communication.   I came by this communication while reading private written communications on the back door of the second stall in Braden's Bar located in downtown Boyne City.  This story was buried within many local gossip stories and quips about the personal hygiene and dating habits of certain local individuals.   

I can vouch for this being a new news story since the doors on the bathroom stalls at Braden's Bar get freshly painted over every Thursday.  Bar Management says the fresh coat of paint each week is intended to make room for up to date news reports and not to eliminate complaints from patrons who may not want their personal information shared with the public.    Bar management tells me that "Freedom of the Press" is sacrosanct and the back of the stall door is where most local residents get most of their press news.  Of course yours truly checks out the stalls every Monday morning and I edit out with a black marker any unflattering lies and insinuations about yours truly.   Unfortunately, most of the misinformation about yours’s truly is in the women's bathroom and I have to sneak in there or else I'll receive a reprimand from bar management if I get caught.

In regards to the ISS declaring its independence from earth, I have found few if any other references to their mutiny so I'll just have to say that this sudden action by the ISS is most likely the result of an alien influence.  This influence or more likely takeover has probably been carried out by either Martians or by an intelligent species that inhabits the moon known as "The Great Leap."  These two species are the closest known intelligent inhabitants to the planet earth and therefor have the most to gain from its conquest.   However, I do not believe that hostile takeover has been orchestrated by Martians since they are too addicted to tobacco products to ever accomplish much of anything.  It is said they just muck around all day on Mars smoking cigarettes and playing tetherball.  

Now, the creatures on the moon known as "The Great Leap" are much more likely to be the instigators of the ISS plot against earth.  The Great Leap might feel a need to get revenge against earth since a few years ago the U.S. launched nuclear strikes against Great Leap subterranean cities on the moon in the hope of destroying the Great Leap's ability to wage war upon the earth.  Well, with this latest news from the International Space Station it looks as though the attempts to thwart an invasion of earth by The Great Leap has only spurred them on to seek revenge. 

So, what should you do to prepare for the looming invasion by The Great Leap?  Well, the first thing you should do is prepare for war by purchasing lots of guns and ammunition along with dry goods that can be easily stored for decades. 

The second thing you should do is to run and hide.  Of course I understand that running and hiding may not be the brave thing to do but, take it from me, it is the survivalist’s thing to do.  After all, mice and rats have been running and hiding for tens of millions of years and look how it's worked out for them:  they're still surviving and everyone screams when they see the mice and rats go scampering off into walls.  Mice and rats have truly made it to the upper rung of the evolutionary ladder because few other creatures can create such terror simply by running away.    

Now, the third thing you should do when the Great Leap invade is to hug you spouse and kids and tell them goodbye for the great leap are coming to kill them and probably will eat them alive. 

Lastly, you should position your family members in front of you because you don't want them to watch you being torn apart by The Great Leap.  Also, while you family is being killed and devoured by the moon monsters you might get a chance to slip away.   After all, you can always get a new spouse and kids but, you can't replace yourself if you're dead.

For my part, I’m getting the word out about the ensuing invasion by the Great Leap by first publishing it on the internet.   Of course after it has been read by about five people this story will undoubtedly be censured by all the governments and internet search engines of the world for having offensive content.  Space aliens seem to have a lot of influence over what gets published and read on the internet. 

In addition to my online trumpeting of the ensuing invasion I will be busy visiting bathrooms in all the bars and restaurants I can get to in order to place the news directly in the public's eye and where most people get the really important news.  And, this important story certainly deserves to be told there.  

ALIEN CROP CIRCLES IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

We have recently had a number of reported crop circle events in Norther Michigan. The farmers have been upset because we mainly have cherry orchards in the area where the crop circles have occurred. The problem is cherry trees do not snap back upright after a few days, they just die. The farmers have said it will take several years to replace the trees.

Personally, I went out to investigate the possibilities of crop circles turning up at one of the many vineyards in Northern Michigan. I never got out to look at the grapevines to see have messed up they might be by crop circles however, I did enjoy hoping from vineyard to vineyard tasting the wine and cheese. I almost bought a bottle at one place and then I saw the price was over $5.00 per bottle. I decided I'd stick to Boons Farm.

Many theories have arisen as to the cause of the crop circles. One is that Sasquatch is so powerful that he is pushing over trees to pick the fruit off of them. This seems plausible since Sasquatch is certainly powerful enough and cherries found in an orchard are a lot bigger and less bitter than the little ones you see in the wild.

Another theory is that lizard boy is now big enough to push over trees. This seems implausible since lizard boy was last seen just about a week ago still stealing bacon from campsites. He was still reported to be just a foot tall. He is still just a boy and is not even a tween yet let alone a teenager or adult lizard man monster.

The local authorities believe someone is going around with an all terrain vehicle, hitching a rope to each tree then, pulling them over. This seems implausible because it sounds silly. Who would do such a thing? If you're going to knock down a cherry tree just just a chain saw.

Finally, the only theory left is the one we have to assume is correct. That theory is that Aliens from outer space have been landing on our cherry trees and knocking them over with their anti-gravity beams. The anti-gravity beams are what the aliens use to hover over the ground. They also use the anti-gravity beams to hurl themselves away from the earth at the speed of light.

Recently, the crop circles have been becoming more elaborate. They are now making designs and writing messages with the knocked over trees. One message left by the space aliens indicates their home planets distance from earth. The message read "I Love Lucy". Since this was a popular show about 50 years ago we know the space aliens live about 50 light years away. This is the distance it took for the TV airwaves of "I Love Lucy" to reach our great alien communicators.

Some local figures have ridiculed the space alien theory. They ask why don't the aliens just come down and talk to us or at least send us an e-mail or a letter. The answers to these naysayers are simple. First, the aliens won't come down to talk to us because they think we are too violent and might try something. Second, they won't communicate with us via the Internet because they are afraid they might pick up a computer virus that could destroy their entire civilization. They may have seen "Independence Day". Finally, the aliens might be super environmentalists. By sending us mail they probably have considered how many trees were destroyed to create the paper, envelope and stamp. By not sending us mail they may have saved a tree.

BIG FOOTS OR BEARS?: YOU DECIDE!

WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TRY ANY ACTIVITIES FOUND ON THIS BLOG. WE ARE INVESTIGATIVE PROFESSIONAL JOURNALIST. IF WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING THAN WHO DOES? TRYING TO DO ANYTHING THAT OUR STAFF DOES IS PURE FOOLISHNESS. IN SUMMARY, ONLY FOOLS DO WHAT WE DO.

For many years people have been told that there are bears in the woods in the Northern region of Michigan’s Lower Peninsula. In truth, I believe that what people have been mistaking for bears are in fact, the great manlike creature known by names such as Sasquatch and Yeti. To us professional investigators of the unexplained, we call him Big Foot.

Based upon the large number of sitings of so called bears, it is evident that Big Foot (or Big Foots plural) does (do) exist. So, with my brothers Mike and Ted, we are going off to the deep woods to spend a couple nights camping and looking for evidence of bears and or big foots in the area. There are often extra terrestrial sitings that correspond to big foot siting so, we must be vigilant in watching the night sky. Many believe, as I do, that the big foot monster is an alien being, perhaps a pet of a far superior big brained gray alien. Maybe the gray aliens have to let their big foots out for a bathroom break like people do with their dogs. Maybe, the whole earth is a designated rest area for pet big foots along a galactic highway.

Day 1
No Bears: I Must Be Right!
Well, we're camping out in Kalkaska County in a large cedar swamp. Bears in Florida like swamps so we figured that bears in Michigan, if they exist, will love this big smelly swamp we found on Google. This is state land but, it does not appear that anyone has ever camped here. The mosquitoes are really bad. Hopefully, when it gets dark the mosquitoes should go to sleep and not bother us until morning. All we have to do now is gather up some firewood and heat up a can of beans and roast our hot dogs. We probably shouldn't’t be eating the beans. We’re liable to have a midnight musical extravaganza. I just hope its country or rock music and not some disco crap like we had to listen to on our last camp out.

2 Hours Later
Well, the sun has gone down but, the strange thing is the mosquitoes have not gone to sleep yet. Instead, they are swarming all around us and seem to be biting more often. Ted said mosquitoes never sleep. I hope Ted is wrong or this is going to be a really long night.

In order to get some bears/big foots to come around our campsite, we have left out some chopped up pig carcass on the hood of the car. The engine was really hot by the time we got back here so we decided to cook half of the pig parts a bit to get the scent in the air. The rest of the pig parts we left in the back seat in case we needed more bate for later.

The pig parts were left over from when we were chumming for great white sharks out on Lake Michigan. I’m going to have to pick up a lot of pop and beer cans downtown to pay all the fines the Department of Natural Resources socked us with on that trip. Who knew you needed a fishing license to look for great white sharks?

Midnight
Well, my watch says its twelve o’clock and I think something’s going on in the brush. I can’t tell what it is but, something is grunting and, moaning and. circling our camp. At first I thought it was just my brother Mike going for a bathroom break but, he’s still snoring away in his sleeping bag. Well, neither of my brothers is sleeping now. Something big and black just attacked the car. We should have parked the car closer to the camp fire so we could watch the pig carcass better.

I’m not sure what this thing is but, it’s up on its hind legs chomping down on the pig parts. It can’t be a bear because they never stand on their hind legs like a human. It must be a big foot. We’ll know more tomorrow when it goes away and the sun is up.

Day 2
It’s 6 a.m. and something has not only eaten every last bit of pig but, it tore the heck out of Ted’s car. Ted is just sitting up in his sleeping bag not moving at all. He just stares over at his ride. I think he’s in some sort of coma or something. It’s a good thing he’s in a coma because all the windows were smashed and his back seat that held the rest of the pig parts well, I never liked the upholstery anyway. The outside of the car was in even worse condition. Two of the tires were chewed right down to the wire mesh inside of them. There are more claw marks than paint left on his old red Chevy. It’s a good thing I talked him into taking his car out on this trip. I’d be really upset if something ripped my car up like that.

We were very fortunate that the creature did leave some evidence behind for us to examine. At first I thought Mike had something to do with it but, he flatly denied knowing anything about the large brown pile of scat. Yes, the creature took time last night to relieve itself near Ted’s Chevy. Of course, this was no bear that did this. It was a hairy giant manlike thing that stood up on its hind legs while it ate pig and destroyed the red Chevy. I have waited my entire life to find evidence of this creature. Yes, I saw the creature Native Americans call Sasquatch also, known as Big Foot.

Epilogue
As we walked out of the woods I was elated. Not only did I prove there were no bears in Michigan but, I proved the existence of Big Foot. The camera on my cell phone was not working again however, I had in a plastic baggy the evidence I needed to show the scientific world, the quality of the research I do here in Northern Michigan.

We walked about a half mile down the old two track lumber trail then; I thought we had some more luck. We spied a Department of Natural Resources officer walking our way. Unfortunately, the news he had for us was grim. It seems it is illegal to bait bears on state land so, I got a whopping ticket for that. My brother Ted received a citation for abandoning a junk vehicle on state land. The worst news was that removing Sasquatch droppings from their natural habitat is also illegal so, I had to put the pile back where I found it. The officer confiscated my empty bag in case I tried to snitch a little bit of illegal Sasquatch scat for examination.

Well, at least we proved that bears don’t exist here in the lower peninsula of Michigan. I do want to warn everybody that you should not leave any pork parts in your car overnight. My brother Ted found out the hard way that Sasquatch can be really persistent when it comes to pork. Next time, Ted is going to keep any extra pork we have in his sleeping bag where it is safe.