GIANT ALIEN BRAIN DESTROYED THE DINOSAURS

By Tim Collin

Editor in Chief

Writer

Custodial Services

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

What do we really know about the Petoskey Stone? We know it is only found in a very specific region on the planet Earth. That region is Northern Lake Michigan extending up to Lake Superior. Several sites on the internet explain that the petoskey stone is a fossilized coral from the Devonian Era which would make the stone approximately 350 million years old. We have found someone with a very different opinion.

In an old gravel pit about ten miles west of Traverse City, there is a Petoskey stone dig site managed by Professor I. M. Alyar. Professor Alyar teaches Paleontology, Astrophysics, Alien Psychology and, Human Proctology at the Bare Truth Online Institute of Education and Adult Photo Journalism.

We caught up with Professor Alyar at the dig site to ask him about the theory he was advocating regarding the origin of the Petoskey Stone. The Professor had previously contacted us and said he would pay us $50.00 to publish a story about his “Origin of the Petoskey Stone” theory. After some intense negotiations, the Professor also agreed to pay for our gas. The following is an outline of the theory as he explains it:

“The Petoskey Stone came to my attention as I noticed that people were making a lot of money picking up these stones and selling them on EBay and to tourists. I remembered that my uncle I. Ben Alyar owned this old gravel pit where I picked up petoskey stones as an under graduate student. It then occurred to me that I could get a government grant that would pay me a salary to do research on the petoskey stone for a couple of years. So last year I began digging up petoskey stones for research and the extra stones I sell for money (cash only, no receipt if you want any).

Well, last week I received a letter from the government wanting to know why I haven’t published any papers on my findings. The letter went on to say that if I were fraudulently obtaining grant money that I could be prosecuted if I did not return the money with interest. I like most people in Michigan have a penchant for Black Jack so; I have no money to give back and no published paper.

Then, suddenly it hit me. As I was in the bar located out on the highway, I suddenly realized that the petoskey stone seemed to look a lot like a piece of gray brain matter. But, not just any gray matter. Animal gray matter does not have those eyes. Then, I realized that those were not eyes but, they were individual cells. These were cells to the brain of some incredible creature. Brain cells of incredible size that must have belonged to a massive brain. This brain had died 350 million years ago and had been fossilized over time. It all made sense. Over eons of years, glaciers broke up the fossil and scattered brain cells all across Northern Michigan.

But, I asked myself, where does this giant brain come from? There is no evidence in the fossil records to indicate this creature ever existed. Finally, I concluded that this creature was not of this world. It was in fact a creature from outer space that most likely died upon impact with our planet over 350 million years ago.

The fact that the creature had or was a giant brain means it must have been physic. This makes sense because many physics use this stone for healing or to go into trances to see the future. I should charge more money for the stones I sell. Perhaps a medical research facility will be built in my name to study the medical uses of the Petoskey Stone.”

Because the Professor kept rambling on, I shut off my recorder. We of course believe everything he postulated. True to our word, we are publishing his theories now. A couple of days ago the Professor was arrested. This is too bad because we were thinking of making him our official scientific advisor. Yesterday I received a call from the Professor asking if I would use the $50.00 he gave me to help bail him out of jail. I told him that unfortunately, I was a problem gambler and lost the money playing foosball.

ODE TO THE PETOSKEY STONE
By I. M. Alyar
Oh vain,
Petoskey stone,
Are you an alien brain,
Or seaweed bone,

Why do you lay,
And splash on the beach?
Have you something to say?
Have you something to teach?

Maybe your looks,
Can make me some pay,
I'll polish you up,
To sell on eBay.

PP10122021

THE TRAILERPARK FIRST CONTACT WITH OUTER SPACE MEN

By Madam Mystic Misty Merkle
The Trailer Park Psychic

Things have been heating up here in Northern Michigan. It is not just the weather but, stuff really started happening last week which could change the course of history for my trailer park. I was told by some scientist from NASA that what happened to me could change the world forever.

To begin with, everyone knows that recently Congress made everyone give up their free TV unless you bought a converter box from one of the companies that buys nice gifts for Congressmen, or pays for their vacations. Anyway, these boxes are called "perverter boxes" but, no one in my trailer park has figured out how to get a perverter box to work yet. I think this was a big rip-off since the perverter boxes cost a lot more than the coupon the government sent out. Everyone has been thinking that these perverter boxes are a big rip off then, old Chuck Birdsill came up with an idea. He said we should use aluminum foil to try to get in the new air wave signals: the same way we used aluminum foil to get in the Fox Network 20 years ago.

Chucks’ initial idea was not new. Everyone in Northern Michigan has been buying up aluminum foil to try to get a reception on their now, worthless TV sets. No one in my trailer park has to lock their doors anymore since the only valuable thing people here ever owned was their TV set. Now everyone hopes someone comes in and steals their TV so at least they might get some insurance money. Most of the people aren’t buying any insurance yet until after someone steals their Television. Everyone knows it is stupid to buy insurance before something happens. Why pay out all that money unless you are going to get more back on a claim you file as soon as you take out the policy?

As I said before, Old Chucky Boys’ initial idea was not at all original but, ’as several people who had tried to use aluminum foil pointed out, no one got any signal. But, someone in the trailer park with some smarts (probably one of those stuck up community college people) did have I think, a pretty good idea.

The idea was to build a giant tower made up of aluminum foil in the middle of the trailer park. We would connect the four trailers that are in the middle of the park and form our own giant antenna. The smart guy said the aluminum foil would pick up the signal and the trailers would amplify it so that everyone in the park would get to watch free TV again. The smart guy said he doubted we could pick up any local stations but, maybe we might get some Canadian stations in after all, Canadian TV is just a bunch of rebroadcast American TV shows anyway.

Within one week, we had saved up enough aluminum foil to build a thirty foot tall tower. We had a problem with sea gulls pecking away at the aluminum because most of it was recycled from our kitchens and still had food on it. We solved this by spraying the whole thing down with bathroom cleaner. This got rid of the sea gulls but, now the trailer park smells like a public restroom at a fast food restaurant. A clean one like you find in the morning not like the kind you find in the afternoon after the high school kids have been in their for lunch.

Anyway, once the tower was done and hooked up to the four trailers, we all sat in anticipation in front of our TV sets with our French/English dictionaries beside of us in case we got in one of those Montréal stations. But, nothing happened. All the TV sets in the trailer park just had static snow on them. We were all disappointed and depressed. Every resident in the trailer park met at the great shinny metallic tower. All that work for nothing.

As we were standing around sulking, I suddenly felt a buzzing in my teeth. The buzzing became louder and louder. I opened my mouth and everyone started looking at me as a voice began to speak from my mouth "Hello People of the Planet Earth. Live Long and Prosper. We are the Receptacons from the planet Receptor. We scan the Universe for highly technical devices that can receive our signals at faster than light speeds. You earth people have finally built such a device. You must be the most intelligent beings your planet has ever produced. You should be proud of yourselves. We will now transmit the blue prints to build a device to transmit and better receive signals from our civilization. We will also be transmitting the formula for eternal life. Please stand by." Unfortunately, at that moment the brandy and orange juice drink I had for breakfast kicked in and I started to burp uncontrollably. I was not able to keep my mouth open without belching and drowning out the message. Finally I stopped but most of the message was never heard. The last words we heard were "if you accept our offer to keep in contact with our please contact us within a week on the new device you will construct from our blue prints. If we do not hear from you we will never bother you again but, you can keep our formula for eternal life as a gift from our people to yours.´

That was it. We haven’t heard from them since. NASA spent 11 billion dollar tryig to construct something that might pick up the signal from the Receptacons but, nothing happened. It seems the reason the message came out of my mouth is because of my gold crowns. It seems they are not really gold at all. My dentist bought some gold crown stuff off the internet from some lady in china. The crown material was really made up of a composite of American garbage like old baby diapers, clunker cars and drywall. The NASA scientist told me that I had in my mouth the makings of a space age material which was what brought our aluminum foil tower to life. One scientist told me the material "made the tower light up like a beacon across the cosmos". I let NASA have my baby diaper composite crowns in exchange for some nice porcelain ones.

Our aluminum tower never brought any other signals in. In fact, just before we tore it down a bolt of lightning struck it. The lightning leaped to the four trailers, caught them all on fire and burned them to the ground. Luckily no one was hurt inside the trailers and, the owners went immediately out and bought fire insurance so they should be o.k.

ALIEN RAT: CODE NAME SHIVA

By Shelia

My name is Shelia and I come from the planet Weathersgood. My code name is Shiva. Shiva was an Indian god of destruction. I always tell my enemies I am Shiva, the destroyer of their world. The literate ones get it. I have to rely on snarling my teeth to scare the stupid ones.

Today I decided to add an op ed editorial to the ramblings on this blog. This is not a sanctioned piece so I have to publish it today before anyone gets here. I’m in the offices of the Humor News Nuts Blog. They really need better security. Anyone can come in here off the street and start typing. I just used my crowbar to open the door and I was inside in no time. An alarm went off but, I used my crowbar to turn it off. A crowbar is a very versatile tool and one of the most useful technologies you humans ever came up with.

I do not come in peace or to save humans. I am here in these offices today to set the record straight regarding the reason I am on your planet. You see I am not here to save you humans; I am here to save my genetic cousins whom you call rats.

The creatures you call rats were once known as “The Thirteenth Tribe” among my people. They were colonist on the planet you call earth. You see over one million years ago my people came to your planet and built a vast civilization. At that time our colonist excelled in the arts, sciences and literature. The Thirteenth Tribe was looked upon as an inspiration to my people. For over 900,000 years the Thirteenth Tribe held a seat of honor on the high council of our empire. Throughout the Universe scholars and artists would study every feature of Thirteenth Tribe culture. But, then the great plague happened which destroyed the culture of the Thirteenth Tribe.

What was that heinous plague that destroyed my people on this planet? It was no bug, no virus no deadly bacteria. Instead it was a horrific disease spread by the most dangerous monsters in the universe. The disease was stupidity and it was spread by a bunch of hairy little toads known as human beings. That’s right; humans are really a type of toad and not even remotely related to mammals. If you observe them sleeping you will notice that they usually leave their mouths open so, that even when asleep, humans can continue to catch flies with their tongues. Humans, like most toads, are obsessed with flies. Humans call zippers flies, they catch fly balls and they fear some demon known as Beelzebub; the lord of the flies.

These fly eating toads first, struck down the children of The Thirteenth Tribe. Humans, like all toads, are covered with poison filled warts. Even though they were warned, the children of our colonist still touched the toads and, became instantly addicted to video games and extreme sports. The disease spread quickly to the adult population. Over the last hundred thousand years my people on this planet have become desperate to find food and shelter. The Thirteenth Tribe has now reverted back to an epoch in which my people lacked the ability to travel in space and time.
Of course I still have to save this planet and what is left of the Thirteenth Tribe.

There is another race from another galaxy that looks like my people. They have been sending out pre-invasion parties to this planet. It seems they want to conquer and enslave my cousins but, I along with a few loyal hairy toad companions have been able to thwart all the expeditionary forces that have arrived thus far.

Even though I have hairy toads that work for me, I have to say I am very disappointed with how you hairy toads have been treating my people. There is some geek named Gerrard that raises my people for experiments. I’d like to nibble off one of his ears while he's sleeping but, he probably would look better and I don’t want to do him any favors.

I did elope back to my home world with Gerrard’s pet rat. We married and raised a family together. Unfortunately Ernie or ER (that was his name) decided that he was going to run off with a younger rat. Our marriage was over after 30 days but, we managed to raise a family together and the last one had graduated from college before ER left.

For a time my family had a pet hairy toad from earth. We kept it in a cage so no one could touch it and become stupid. It was fun to watch it on the wheel it had in its cage. I placed a picture of a female toad in front of the wheel and our pet toad would run after the picture for hours thinking it could catch the picture. I put a mirror in its cage and the silly thing would kiss itself in the mirror for hours. Finally, I ended up releasing my toad into the wild when I returned to earth. I guess he works as a Chief Executive Officer for some insurance company. I knew he was not very bright.

In terms of my former husband I received a Xmas card from him a last year. ER could not write his name or count only up to six. He signed his card ER 1,2,3,4,5,6. I’m not sure why he contacted me after several years had passed since our divorce. I hope he doesn’t think I will take him back. He made his nest so he can lie in it.

Well, I'm out of this dump. It's getting late and I have some clubs to hit tonight. Although you hairy toads are not very smart or clean, you are really good dancers.

RP10062021

BIG BARRY’S BALLOONS: A SPACESHIP ODDITY

Big Barry Had The Balloons
By Ted Colin
Associat Editor,
Humor News Nuts Online Magazine

I recently received a call from a Big Barry who owns a toy factory over in Kalkaska County. He said that one night he threw an outdoor cookout party for his employees just behind the factory and according to Barry, several UFO‘s started to hover overhead. Barry said that all of his employees were so amazed at the hovering crafts that many of them dropped their plastic glasses of vodka laced fruit punch.

I was intrigued with what Barry had told me so I asked him if he still had any vodka laced fruit punch left. He said he had about ten gallons of it so I agreed to stake out his factory for an evening as long as I could have a gallon of fruit punch. Barry asked me “Are you going to use the fruit punch as bait to bring in the aliens?”

“Let’s just say that the fruit punch might make it easier for me to spot your UFO’s“, I replied.

Barry agreed to give me what I wanted so I showed up the next evening with my colleague Gerrard to see if we might just spot some UFO’s. Barry left a gallon of fruit punch on a picnic table just behind the main building. It was an old wood plank table set up evidently for the lunch breaks of the employees. Outdoor picnic table lunch facilities are common at Northern Michigan businesses. Barry not only left us the gallon of punch and some plastic cups to drink it with but, he also left us an old box full of various outdated snack packs that came from the vending machine. Barry had certainly gone all out to keep us happy. Gerrard and I each brought a sleeping bag since we were not intending to go anywhere especially if we had any fruit punch.

It was cloudy that evening so it got dark fairly early. Gerrard and I looked up at the gray darkening sky and saw several objects directly over the back parking lot of the factory. Gerrard and I squatted down behind the picnic table so as not to scare off the aliens. I started watching the aliens really close when I heard the constant crunching of corn chips by Gerrard. We had not been there more than twenty minutes and all the candy bars from the snack box were devoured by Gerrard. Now he was working on eating all the corn and potato chips. He was just smacking away while I was vigilantly watching the space ships hover over the yard. I figured it wouldn’t be long and all the snacks would be gone and I had not even eaten a bag of pretzels.

Finally, I had had enough of Gerrard. “Gerrard,” I said, “quit scarping down all the snack food and get your cell phone out. We need to get some pictures of these spaceships to prove that we didn’t just make this up.”

“I can’t take any pictures,” Gerrard replied.

“Why not?” I asked. “Didn’t you bring along your cell phone like I told you?”

“Oh I brought along my cell phone,” Gerrard assured me. “The only thing is the battery is dead so I can’t even tell people live what we’re doing on our Twitter account.”

“Dog gone it Gerrard. I spent all last night trying to figure out how to set up a Twitter account to compliment our blog. I did it just so we could be high tech tonight. Twitter is where it’s at now. Bloging is just so 2010. I was hoping pictures from your cell phone would compliment our tweet tonight and we’d be world famous with our proof of alien visitation. Now since you’ve messed everything up I guess there’s only one thing left for us to do. We’re going to have to capture one of those spacecraft and hold it until morning.”

I was really mad and it was a hot night and the heat made me feel even more intensely upset. I was still determined to prove that we had seen aliens so I stood up and moved around the picnic table and motioned for Gerrard to follow me. The closer we moved toward the initial siting the space ships seemed to appear. There must have been a dozen of them hovering over the ground at different altitudes. Some hovered over the barn while others hovered just a few feet above the earth. All of the spaceships seemed really small so I imagined that either the aliens were little teeny guys or perhaps the spaceships were just drones. In either case capturing just one of them would prove the existence of extraterrestrials once and for all.

As I said before it was really hot that night but, just as Gerrard and I approached the aliens a cool breeze came up which felt really good. Suddenly, the spacecrafts moved and tossed around.

“I’m getting kind of scared,” Gerrard whispered to me. “I’ve got to get a look at those things before I just go up there and grab one.” Gerrard pulled out a flashlight and aimed it directly at one of the spacecrafts. The light hit the nearest craft which was shaped like a heart. I believed that it must have been some sort of stealth design so that conventional radar and even a tachyon beam would not be able to detect it.

The craft itself was blood red in color with a curious message at the heart of it so to speak. It said, “BE MY VALENTINE”. Since we were no where near Valentines Day on the calendar I interpreted the message as one of friendship. Maybe the aliens thought that their message was a way to say “hello”. This gave me confidence that if we grabbed one of them they would not put up much of a fight since they might be thinking that Gerrard and I had peaceful intentions.

Gerrard suddenly flashed his light on another square shaped balloon This balloon was a steel blue in color with purple letters on it that said “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”. “Now how did they know that today is my birthday?” Gerrard gasped.

“I didn’t know it was your birthday Gerrard,” I said. “If I had known it was your birthday I wouldn’t have been so upset when you ate up all the free candy bars and didn’t leave any for me.”

“Well, the reason the battery on my cell phone is dead is because I took so many pictures at my birthday party earlier today. I took a picture of mom and then I took dozens of pictures of my new pet rat named Jimmy. He is really quite. I put a little paper birthday hat on him made out of the same construction paper as the hat that mom made for me. He was so adorable I couldn’t stop taking pictures of him even after he drew a lot of blood when he bit mom’s finger. She had to get some rabies and tetanus shots but she‘s o.k. now”.

Gerrard and I were almost up to one of the spaceships when suddenly a gust of wind came up and all the spaceships sailed off into the woods behind the factory and were gone from sight. We did not go after them because the forests in Michigan are so dangerous at night. Big Foots and other monsters are all skulking around in the forest and humans are a nice little bedtime snack for a Michigan forest monster.

Gerrard and I stayed up a while longer waiting to see if the spaceships might return but they never came back. Gerrard saved some pretzels for me so I had my dinner that night and between the two of us we polished off the gallon of fruit punch that Barry had left for our payment.

The next day I told Barry about what Gerrard and I had seen during the night. Barry was puzzled as to why space aliens were so interested in his factory. “After all,” he said “we just make balloons here for special occasions. We make massive amounts of balloons for birthdays or holidays like Valentines Day and then ship them off en-mass to retailers all around the country. Occasionally, we test blown up balloons out back to see how long they stay blown up. Sometimes they go way up height and out of sight but they always return to earth when the helium seeps out. I just don’t understand why aliens would take such and interest in our low tech business.”

Well, there you have it. This is a mystery definitely solved but, not proven. We know aliens hover over Barry’s balloon factory but no one knows why. Perhaps the next time Barry has some left over fruit punch we might go back and spend some more time investigating the UFO sittings at Big Barry’s balloon factory.

LIZARD BOY, A REAL MICHIGAN MONSTER

It has come to our attention that there is a strange creature lurking in North Western Michigan and his name is Lizard Boy. Many recent campers have cited this creature usually lying in the dirt slurping up worms and bugs. This would not be unusual for any creatures living in Northern Michigan including the people that live outside of town however, whenever Lizard Boy sees a person, he gets up on his hind legs, looks the person in the eye, they Lizard Boy runs away on his back legs with his long tail flapping behind him.

Besides his aforementioned flat tail, Lizard Boy is described as having a gray/brownish body with black bands on his tail. He also has four toes and four fingers with little suction cups on the ends of his fingers. His eyes are round and his mouth is what many describe, as a round suction cup. Lizard Boy is about 6-15 inches long. Below you can see a rough sketch done by our forensic scientist/sketch type person. This sketch is based upon over 100 sitings of Lizard Boy although, no one really knows if Lizard Boy is a boy, a girl or an it. The sketch is posted below at the bottom of this page.

Upon showing our sketch to the local Department Of Resources (DNR) Agents, they just laughed and said they had "...never seen anything like that before!!!". We asked the DNR if Lizard boy might be from some other world? The DNR responded that "based upon the sketch and descriptions of this creature, it is just as likely it comes from outer space...".

The person who had the closest encounter with this "alien" was a Mrs. Paula Blinder from the town of Wild Imagination Michigan. Paula stated, "I got up out of my tent one morning and there was this lizard thing cooking bacon on my camp stove. The thing looked at me, scrunched up its sucker mouth a couple of times, slurped down my bacon and took off on his back legs, running into the woods. I never saw him again after that but, that picture you have looks just like him."

So, that's the story of Lizard Boy. We can only hope that this Lizard Boy is not just a baby. We can only hope that there is not some bigger Lizard Momma or Lizard Daddy out there waiting to eat even larger pieces of your bacon. Maybe this creature is just a part of an invasion force from another planet. Let us hope not or all of our bacon will be in jeopardy.

THE USS KALAMAZOO: WWII SPACE/TIME EXPERIMENTS ON LAKE HURON

In Bay City Michigan there is a tavern called the Break Wind Marina Bar and Grill. This is the place where old timers meet who have various stages of kidney and liver disease. One of these jaundiced old men tells a tale that caused us to open up an investigation into a government cover-up. This is a tale of scientific fact told like fiction. It is a tale of space/time travel not in days or weeks but, in a wink of an eye. A tale of super science not from the 21st century but, from 1944. A tale of how America, on the cusp of defeat, was able to change it’s destiny through a desperate attempt to overcome the laws of God and nature.

My brother Ted and I had traveled to Bay City from our base in Northern Michigan. I would have brought along my brother Mike but, he was still in the hospital after picking and eating some mushrooms he found in the woods. We were there to get the story of the USS Kalamazoo from the last survivor from that ship. We had found on an Internet site that the Kalamazoo was rigged up like the USS Philadelphia, with all kinds of technology for some type of space/time experiment during World War II. The Philadelphia, which was launched in the Atlantic ocean, was apparently unsuccessful at achieving it’s goals however, the USS Kalamazoo, which was launched from Saginaw Bay just off of Lake Huron well, it has been suggested that the later ship was successful in it’s mission and in fact, brought an end to World War II.

The old timer we interviewed was named Bones Spockorsky. Spockorsky was a sailor on board the USS Kalamazoo which, was Built in the old shipyard in Bay City Michigan for use as a warship during World War II. There are no official records indicating that this ship ever existed. Spockorsky has a long criminal record in the field of petty crimes. It seems he will do almost anything for money to buy a few sips of whisky. He agreed to meet with us for $12.00. He wanted $15.00 but, I used my charm to get him to go lower. I just remembered William Shatner at Priceline when I was negotiating for the exclusive rights to this story.

The gray bearded, poorly dressed old man told us the following tale:

“The Philadelphia was the first of the time travel experiments tried out by the navy. It ended badly for the crew but, they did travel in space and time. A few years later, when Hitler was getting ready to invade the U.S. the navy sent a group of us seamen back in time to stop the A-bomb from being used by the Nazis in Europe. You see, in the other time line the Germans won the war.

So we went back in time and ended up just off the coast of Normandy. We were looking for a German ship called Poor Judgement. No wait, Poor Judgement was the pony I bet on last week that lost. No wait, poor judgement was what I had when I married my first wife. No wait, the name of the Nazi boat was Judgement Day. Well anyway, we found the ship, sunk it and the time lines became what they are right now.”

The mans story sounded fantastic but, he evidently had no proof to back up his claims. However, based upon my own knowledge of space/time manipulation and travel, I’d say his mind certainly grasped the rudimentary parts of time travel. I’d like to be a time traveler myself one day so, I’ll have to give this story a thumbs up. It is clearly evident that Mr. Bones Spockorsky was telling the truth.

TIME TRAVEL FOR FUN AND PROFIT

I recently received a strange note. The note said that I was to meet myself at the Dung Beetle Inn. The note went on to say that the person I was meeting was from the near future and that I (the future guy) had a very important message that could make me (us) a lot of money.

I of course was very intrigued about making a lot of money. Money is hard to come by unless you have a good job. I used to have a good job picking up change in front of drive-up windows early in the morning. The problem is I couldn’t get up that early so I had to quit. I did train one of my cousins to take over the business so I still got half the change but, when the kid turned ten he figured he‘d just keep all the change for himself. I had him sign a franchise agreement and I expect him to show up in court.

Before I went to see myself I looked up on the internet to find out what would happen if I touched my future self in the bar. I remember from watching a lot of sci-fi shows that something bad happens if a person from one time touches himself from another time. It seems that if I accidentally touched my future self in the bar I would destroy the entire universe and every being that has ever or will ever be born anywhere in the universe would simply cease to exist. It seems that the same matter cannot exist at the same place in the same time. The possibility that I might touch my future self, killing every life force in the totality of time and space might seem like a good reason to not go to the bar and have a meeting with my future self. However, the possibility of making some money greatly outweighed my concerns for everyone else. I was sure my future self must have come to the same conclusion.

When I walked into the bar I immediately recognized myself. I was a little ticked off because my future self was wearing one of my best shirts and there was a large ketchup stain on the front of it. It seems I will become a slob in the future. My future self must have forgot the physics lessons I learned while watching sci-fi shows because upon seeing me my future self stood up and extended his hand like he was going to shake mine. “We can’t touch each other,” I admonished my future self. “If we shake hands and touch each other the entire universe will cease to exist.”

“Oh that’s right,” my future self replied. “I am just so excited about this money making opportunity I have to share with you that I forgot what we learned about sci-fi physics. You’re looking well by the way.”

“You look like you’ve put on a few pounds while ruining my favorite shirt,” I responded.

“Don’t worry,” my future self began, “I will make us a lot of money in the near future. We will soon be the richest men or I mean man, on earth. For we are poised on the precipice to become the worlds first trillionaire.”

“Just how is that going to happen?” I asked. I was thinking that maybe we would threaten to shake hands and blackmail all the sentient beings in the universe into making us the emperor of the universe. I would not mind being emperor of the universe. I’ve got a lot of people I want to get even with; starting with that cousin of mine that won’t give me my share of the money he picks up at the drive-in windows.

“I know what you’re thinking because I thought it too when I was you,” my future self said while interrupting a very pleasant daydream I was having. “No we are not going to blackmail anyone. In fact what we are going to do is not going to break any laws. At least no laws that have been passed yet. You see what we are going to do relate to the coming of the year 2025. You see everyone in the world will become so paranoid in 2024 about the coming of the year 2025 that in the year 2025 all the governments of the world will start to fall apart and in order to keep order a one world government will be formed and do you know what a one world government will have?”

“Free Superbowl tickets for the rulers?” I guessed.

“Of course,” my future self affirmed, “however, the most important thing a government has is money and in the future the new world government will be issuing a new coin of the new realm you might say. It is a gold colored (actually made of plastic) dollar that many call the doom dollar since it is the only legal form of currency being used when most people believe the appocolypse is near. Of course these doom dollars will not be minted until the end of the year 2025 and people will give up anything just to get their hands on one. I have been to the future and the doom dollar is king in the future. So, what am I proposing? I am proposing going into the future and sending back to you a whole lot of these valuable doom dollars dated 2025. You see that if the doom dollar is valuable in the year 2025 just think of what people will pay now whent they don’t exist, just to have one. Think what rich people would pay for several doom dollars.”

Well, our meeting ended and I am still waiting for the doom dollars to arrive. They are supposed to be coming via UPPP (United Past and Present Parcels). I did have a 1974 Matador show up in front of the building with a note on the winshield that said the car belonged to me. My brother Ted told me that he thought it was the same 1974 Matador he investigated a while back. It seems some strange character claimed that a 1974 Matador was taken into outer space and transformed into some type of time machine. It is a silly looking car. It seems the inside is a lot smaller than it looks from the outside. It does not appear to have any advanced alien technology. Even with its eight cylander engine I do not believe that this car will be the envy of Dr. Who and the Time Lords.

INVASION OF THE TENT WORMS FROM OUTER SPACE

By Ted Collin

Day 1
The Attacks
This is the year of the great invasion of tent worm caterpillars. They are several times more numerous than previous years and, seem to be devouring everything that their mouths come into contact with. Several half eaten cattle, deer and, buffalo have been found near the Sleeping Bear Dunes in Northern Michigan. The dunes themselves have very little vegetation left on them. We investigators who are in the know, know this area to be known as AREA 91. In other words, this is like the outer space stuff that goes on at Area 51 except, you can tell by the bigger number that stuff that goes on at Area 91 is far bigger.

After poring over countless government files at the local tax assessors office, we have concluded that area 91 had a crash landing of a craft from outer space about 65 million years ago. This was of course at the time the dinosaurs died out and became extinct. We of course, by using multiple regression analysis came to the conclusion that the crash of the space ship caused the dinosaurs to die out. But, how did the crash affect the dinosaurs and what does that have to do with tent worms? The more we investigate this puzzle it seems the more pieces don’t fit like they should. It was evident that, we will have to force the pieces of this puzzle to fit together so that everything would come out just as we imagined it would. We were desperate researchers trying to stop the carnage of plants and animals by these extra terrestrial tent worms.

In order to fight the menace we at Outer Space News Nuts decided to break into three teams. The twins Laurie and Carrie, would check out the country side to find out the status of the alien invasion. My brothers Tim and Mike will go to area 91 itself and sniff sound on the sand dunes. I and Gerard, the guy that raises rats in his basement, have chosen to stay out of the front line of fire and will instead interview whoever we think can shed some light on this invasion force. Perhaps, we will stop them yet.

Day 2
The Reports Are In And It Is Not Good!!!
Tim and Mike were the first ones to make a report today. They went exploring at the Sand Dunes. They did not find the secret portal that opens up to the secret pentagon black box military base that lies beneath the dunes however, Tim and Mike did find vast swaths of vegetation missing from the sand. Along long areas of beach, there were wide areas between the water and where the vegetation started. It seems the evil beasties have carved large swaths along our Northern Beaches leaving nothing but sand behind them. It seems, these tent worms must eat organic life forms and leave silicon (sand) behind as their excrement. This is important information but, we don’t know what is so important about it? This is just one more piece of that puzzle that we are going to cram into a spot where we think it should go.

The twins reported back today that they indeed found vast areas of fruit trees where the leaves were completely eaten from the trees. A couple of leaves were found with bite imprints on them and these bite marks were immediately sent to our dentist for analysis. It seems our space aliens are not so perfect after all. Our dentist said the bite marks indicated a distinct over bite which accounts for the hideous appearance of the creature when you look directly into his face. Our Dentist also stated that judging by all the plaque left in the bite marks that our extraterrestrial friends do not brush and floss after every meal. Perhaps their poor oral hygiene might cause them to loose their teeth prematurely from periodontal disease. This is the first good news we’ve had since this crisis began.

Gerard and I played Foosball all day and drank beer. Tonight we went to the bar to play pool and watch the Tigers play (they won by the way and I‘m up another five bucks). I also won us a pitcher of beer playing pool and I won another pitcher of beer in a darts tournament. I feel so relaxed right now I almost don’t care about those creepy crawly things that eat up everything. My strategy to unwind has worked.

Day 3
The relaxation strategy that Gerard and I employed yesterday was a way for us to try to keep our heads clear during this crisis. Drinking beer all day and all night has given us the clarity of mind we need to find out how to stop these many footed creatures that live only to devour our flesh and blood and suck the chlorophyll out of our mobility challenged plant brothers. Yesterday, my brothers ( real brothers not plant brothers) and the twins, went out to gather information on the damage the space and/or time traveling tent worms have caused. Today it's Gerard and my turn at bat. We have lined up an expert to interview. This interview is so good that I’m sure we will prevail in saving the world from the tent worms. The consequences of our failure is unacceptable. On to the interview.

2 Hours Later
Gerard called in sick today. It seems he must have caught the flu at the bar last night. Or maybe he can’t face me today because I was winning all the sports contests last night. Because of my athletic abilities last night, I remember being the most popular guy at the bar. I was a lot more popular than Gerard was that's for sure. I’m also a lot better looking than Gerard. Just being around him gives most people the creeps, especially the ladies. I know I’m feeling much less creepy today without him around and I kind of like the guy.

Even without Gerard I will go ahead with my interview with our special secret scientist guest, Dr. Leon Notallthere. Dr. Notallthere was the first person to be barred from flying on airplanes. He was not just barred from domestic flights but, he has been banned from getting on any aircraft anywhere in the world. He can’t even pay to go up in a hot air balloon. It seems Dr. Notallthere was in a tussle with the pilot of an aircraft back in the 1950’s. The two men hadn’t even boarded the plane yet when they got in smack down match over a parking space at the airport.

Although the doctor has had his problems at airports, many admire him for his ability to stand up to authority figures and insist that things are done right. In addition, Doctor Notallthere is considered an expert in his field by several locals.

“Doctor Notallthere, I understand you are an expert in the field of extraterrestrial tent worms.”

“First of all,” interrupted Notallthere, “ I am an expert but not in extraterrestrial tent worms. Secondly, I am not a doctor. I never received a PhD. I have a masters degree.”

“In science?” I asked.

“No, replied Notallthere,” I have a masters degree in international fly fishing though the Calgary International Fly Fishing Institute in Calgary Canada.”

“You attended school in Canada?” I asked.

“No, I’ve never been to Canada. I received my degree on line. It costs me $397.00 (Canadian) and nearly six weeks of my life.”

“So, when I talked to you on the phone and explained our situation you said you could be of great service to us in saving the earth from tent worms. What did you mean?”

“I meant if you would reimburse my $397.00 (Canadian) tuition from fly fishing college, I will tell you how to kill these creatures. I‘m a fisherman. I know all about all types of worms. Even caterpillars. I know all about anything you can stick on a fish hook for bait.”

Since I was desperate, I agreed to his terms with one change, instead of paying him $397.00 in Canadian currency I would pay him an even $400.00 in good old American made $5.00 off coupons at the pizza place across the street. Mr. Notallthere thanked me for giving him the coupons since he wasn’t sure how he would spend the Canadian money and $5.00 off pizza coupons is like money in the bank.

Day 4
We Strike Back
It seems the answer to our problem of how to defeat the evil outer space killer tent worms was no further away than the big goobers we all produce within our mouths and then try to find a place to spit them out. It seems these particular creatures die immediately when hit by high speed mouth mucus. In other words, we destroyed the tent worm army by spitting on them. My brother Mike wanted to eat the little fur balls but, Mr. Notallthere said the creatures were deadly poisonous and that consuming them was unnecessary. It seems lambasting the worms with spit was all it took to cause the fearsome creatures to wrap themselves up in a ball and simply wither away like Count Dracula when he is hit by sun light.

We were able to mobilize everyone in Nothern Michigan to start spitting at anything that moves. There was no motivation needed to get Michiganders to spit because, we spit all the time anyway. I guess the cold weather gives us lots of sinus action and who wants to swallow that stuff.

By the end of day four, no more outer space invading tent worms were left on our planet. Humanity prevailed. The plant and animal deaths caused by the visitors has ceased. All is well yet, there are so many unanswered questions regarding these creatures. For instance, we still do not know exactly how or why they chose to come to earth. We also do not know the location of the entrance to area 91. However, we will continue searching for an opening into the secret government base beneath the sand dunes knowing one day we will uncover it’s secrets.

I can’t help wondering that if the dinosaurs had figured out that they could wipe out the tent worm infection by just spitting on the worms. Perhaps if they had,the mighty dinosaurs would be with us today.

HUMOR NEWS SPACE NUTS MEET THE MULTI-VERSE

WILL I EVER SEE ME AGAIN?
By Tim Colin

Last night I went down to the best burger-joint restaurant in Northern Michigan. I’m of course talking about the HAVE GUTS, EAT MEAT BURGER franchise down on Quinsy Avenue. The world famous Guts Burger is truly a family favorite for locals and tourists alike. The burger itself is made up of over one pound of pure animal guts with no other additives. The guts types of animimals the guts come from is of course a corporate secret and the Guts Burger Corporation has taken many large companies to court to ensure that no one else in the world uses the same secret combination of guts that the Guts Burger chain of restaurants has painstakingly developed at a secret chemical lab in Detroit. Of course there is also the secret spleen sauce that goes on every Guts Burger. This sauce certainly brings out the flavor of the meat and the sauces mucus like drippings enhances the overall ambiance of the Guts Burger experience.

The Guts Burger is served with a side order of deep fat fried Okra with a large ice-free cup of Sinus Soda. Sinus Soda is produced right here in the backwoods of Northern Michigan and is a winter favorite amongst area shoppers. Sinus Soda is a seasonal drink so if you want the fresh stuff you had better purchase it from mid-fall until early spring.

Now I stop into my favorite restaurant at least once a week however, something happened last night that really got my attention. You see I had just bellied up to the bar and was ready to order dinner when I notice a man sitting a couple of seats down from who was wearing a really odd looking suit. Now the suit was something I remember seeing my old man wear in his high school yearbook. I believe it was called a leisure suit and was popular with the disco crowd back in the 1970’s. The suit was a light blue color with a wide pocket on both the right and left side and a very wide lapel and collar. Now this suit was odd enough but I also notice that the man looked like someone I had seen much earlier that day. In fact he looked just like the guy I saw in the bathroom mirror that morning when I was spitting out toothpaste into the sink. In other words, the guy looked just like me.

“Hey guy,” I said. “You look just like me.”

The man looked over at me and replied, “That’s because I am you, you Bozo”.

Suddenly, I realized that this guy was me and that I must have used my 1974 Matador time travel machine to travel back to the 1970’s where, I must have changed into that freaky disco leisure suit. Maybe I was trying to blend in to pick up chicks in the distant past. Maybe girls were nicer to guys like me back then. I then began to realize that since I did not remember ever time traveling back to the 1970’s in the past then I must be going to travel back to the 1970’s sometime in the future. Now, I was becoming a little concerned as to why this future self was here? Was he here in this restaurant to warn me about something? Maybe he was here to try to stop me from eating something. Maybe something I was about to consume was going to give me indigestion, a heart attack or, maybe a brain tumor.

“So are you here to warn me about something?” I asked. “You must be my future self because if you were my present self I’d remember who you were.”

“Heck No,” replied the good looking guy in the leisure suit. “I’m really here from another universe to find out the secret behind the best burgers in the entire multi-verse. You know I recently snuck out into the kitchen and found out what the secret ingredient to these delicious burgers is chipmunk lips. It seems that road-killed chipmunks are harvested throughout all of Michigan and their lips are mixed up with the guts of many different creatures but it is the lips that give the meat a nutty flavor.”

“So if you’re not from the future then did you travel from a parallel universe in a 1974 Matador?” I asked.

“No of course not,” replied the other me. “A 1974 AMC Matador is for time travel only. In order to travel between universes you have to have a 1973 red and white Volkswagen Camper Van with a pop top. No other vehicle in anywhere in the multi-verse can take you from one universe to the next.”

“I thought those old Volkswagen Campers were what hippies used to drive around,” I remarked.

“Of course hippies drove around those vehicles. The hippies in your world actually came from another universe. You see there is a universe filled with communal horticulturalists. These horticulturalists go from universe to universe spreading their philosophy of free love along with planting some of their favorite plants everywhere they go. Do you have a historical character called Johnny Apple Seed in your world?” asked my multi-verse twin.

“Yes we do,” I replied. “He went around planting apple tree seeds all over America. Today you can find apple trees all over the country.”

“Well, the hippies do something similar only on a universe to universe type of scale,” my twin self explained. Then my twin self said goodbye and left the restaurant leaving me to wonder if I’d ever see myself again.

INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION DECLARES INDEPENDENCE FROM EARTH

Artist Concept of a Great Leap

By Tim Colin

Editor, HNN Online Publications

This is breaking news.   It is being reported today in the early morning hours that the International Space Station has formally declared that it is an independent nation and will sever all ties with the planet earth.  This reporter has come by this exclusive story via a private written communication.   I came by this communication while reading private written communications on the back door of the second stall in Braden's Bar located in downtown Boyne City.  This story was buried within many local gossip stories and quips about the personal hygiene and dating habits of certain local individuals.   

I can vouch for this being a new news story since the doors on the bathroom stalls at Braden's Bar get freshly painted over every Thursday.  Bar Management says the fresh coat of paint each week is intended to make room for up to date news reports and not to eliminate complaints from patrons who may not want their personal information shared with the public.    Bar management tells me that "Freedom of the Press" is sacrosanct and the back of the stall door is where most local residents get most of their press news.  Of course yours truly checks out the stalls every Monday morning and I edit out with a black marker any unflattering lies and insinuations about yours truly.   Unfortunately, most of the misinformation about yours’s truly is in the women's bathroom and I have to sneak in there or else I'll receive a reprimand from bar management if I get caught.

In regards to the ISS declaring its independence from earth, I have found few if any other references to their mutiny so I'll just have to say that this sudden action by the ISS is most likely the result of an alien influence.  This influence or more likely takeover has probably been carried out by either Martians or by an intelligent species that inhabits the moon known as "The Great Leap."  These two species are the closest known intelligent inhabitants to the planet earth and therefor have the most to gain from its conquest.   However, I do not believe that hostile takeover has been orchestrated by Martians since they are too addicted to tobacco products to ever accomplish much of anything.  It is said they just muck around all day on Mars smoking cigarettes and playing tetherball.  

Now, the creatures on the moon known as "The Great Leap" are much more likely to be the instigators of the ISS plot against earth.  The Great Leap might feel a need to get revenge against earth since a few years ago the U.S. launched nuclear strikes against Great Leap subterranean cities on the moon in the hope of destroying the Great Leap's ability to wage war upon the earth.  Well, with this latest news from the International Space Station it looks as though the attempts to thwart an invasion of earth by The Great Leap has only spurred them on to seek revenge. 

So, what should you do to prepare for the looming invasion by The Great Leap?  Well, the first thing you should do is prepare for war by purchasing lots of guns and ammunition along with dry goods that can be easily stored for decades. 

The second thing you should do is to run and hide.  Of course I understand that running and hiding may not be the brave thing to do but, take it from me, it is the survivalist’s thing to do.  After all, mice and rats have been running and hiding for tens of millions of years and look how it's worked out for them:  they're still surviving and everyone screams when they see the mice and rats go scampering off into walls.  Mice and rats have truly made it to the upper rung of the evolutionary ladder because few other creatures can create such terror simply by running away.    

Now, the third thing you should do when the Great Leap invade is to hug you spouse and kids and tell them goodbye for the great leap are coming to kill them and probably will eat them alive. 

Lastly, you should position your family members in front of you because you don't want them to watch you being torn apart by The Great Leap.  Also, while you family is being killed and devoured by the moon monsters you might get a chance to slip away.   After all, you can always get a new spouse and kids but, you can't replace yourself if you're dead.

For my part, I’m getting the word out about the ensuing invasion by the Great Leap by first publishing it on the internet.   Of course after it has been read by about five people this story will undoubtedly be censured by all the governments and internet search engines of the world for having offensive content.  Space aliens seem to have a lot of influence over what gets published and read on the internet. 

In addition to my online trumpeting of the ensuing invasion I will be busy visiting bathrooms in all the bars and restaurants I can get to in order to place the news directly in the public's eye and where most people get the really important news.  And, this important story certainly deserves to be told there.  

ALIEN CROP CIRCLES IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

We have recently had a number of reported crop circle events in Norther Michigan. The farmers have been upset because we mainly have cherry orchards in the area where the crop circles have occurred. The problem is cherry trees do not snap back upright after a few days, they just die. The farmers have said it will take several years to replace the trees.

Personally, I went out to investigate the possibilities of crop circles turning up at one of the many vineyards in Northern Michigan. I never got out to look at the grapevines to see have messed up they might be by crop circles however, I did enjoy hoping from vineyard to vineyard tasting the wine and cheese. I almost bought a bottle at one place and then I saw the price was over $5.00 per bottle. I decided I'd stick to Boons Farm.

Many theories have arisen as to the cause of the crop circles. One is that Sasquatch is so powerful that he is pushing over trees to pick the fruit off of them. This seems plausible since Sasquatch is certainly powerful enough and cherries found in an orchard are a lot bigger and less bitter than the little ones you see in the wild.

Another theory is that lizard boy is now big enough to push over trees. This seems implausible since lizard boy was last seen just about a week ago still stealing bacon from campsites. He was still reported to be just a foot tall. He is still just a boy and is not even a tween yet let alone a teenager or adult lizard man monster.

The local authorities believe someone is going around with an all terrain vehicle, hitching a rope to each tree then, pulling them over. This seems implausible because it sounds silly. Who would do such a thing? If you're going to knock down a cherry tree just just a chain saw.

Finally, the only theory left is the one we have to assume is correct. That theory is that Aliens from outer space have been landing on our cherry trees and knocking them over with their anti-gravity beams. The anti-gravity beams are what the aliens use to hover over the ground. They also use the anti-gravity beams to hurl themselves away from the earth at the speed of light.

Recently, the crop circles have been becoming more elaborate. They are now making designs and writing messages with the knocked over trees. One message left by the space aliens indicates their home planets distance from earth. The message read "I Love Lucy". Since this was a popular show about 50 years ago we know the space aliens live about 50 light years away. This is the distance it took for the TV airwaves of "I Love Lucy" to reach our great alien communicators.

Some local figures have ridiculed the space alien theory. They ask why don't the aliens just come down and talk to us or at least send us an e-mail or a letter. The answers to these naysayers are simple. First, the aliens won't come down to talk to us because they think we are too violent and might try something. Second, they won't communicate with us via the Internet because they are afraid they might pick up a computer virus that could destroy their entire civilization. They may have seen "Independence Day". Finally, the aliens might be super environmentalists. By sending us mail they probably have considered how many trees were destroyed to create the paper, envelope and stamp. By not sending us mail they may have saved a tree.

BIG FOOTS OR BEARS?: YOU DECIDE!

WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TRY ANY ACTIVITIES FOUND ON THIS BLOG. WE ARE INVESTIGATIVE PROFESSIONAL JOURNALIST. IF WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING THAN WHO DOES? TRYING TO DO ANYTHING THAT OUR STAFF DOES IS PURE FOOLISHNESS. IN SUMMARY, ONLY FOOLS DO WHAT WE DO.

For many years people have been told that there are bears in the woods in the Northern region of Michigan’s Lower Peninsula. In truth, I believe that what people have been mistaking for bears are in fact, the great manlike creature known by names such as Sasquatch and Yeti. To us professional investigators of the unexplained, we call him Big Foot.

Based upon the large number of sitings of so called bears, it is evident that Big Foot (or Big Foots plural) does (do) exist. So, with my brothers Mike and Ted, we are going off to the deep woods to spend a couple nights camping and looking for evidence of bears and or big foots in the area. There are often extra terrestrial sitings that correspond to big foot siting so, we must be vigilant in watching the night sky. Many believe, as I do, that the big foot monster is an alien being, perhaps a pet of a far superior big brained gray alien. Maybe the gray aliens have to let their big foots out for a bathroom break like people do with their dogs. Maybe, the whole earth is a designated rest area for pet big foots along a galactic highway.

Day 1
No Bears: I Must Be Right!
Well, we're camping out in Kalkaska County in a large cedar swamp. Bears in Florida like swamps so we figured that bears in Michigan, if they exist, will love this big smelly swamp we found on Google. This is state land but, it does not appear that anyone has ever camped here. The mosquitoes are really bad. Hopefully, when it gets dark the mosquitoes should go to sleep and not bother us until morning. All we have to do now is gather up some firewood and heat up a can of beans and roast our hot dogs. We probably shouldn't’t be eating the beans. We’re liable to have a midnight musical extravaganza. I just hope its country or rock music and not some disco crap like we had to listen to on our last camp out.

2 Hours Later
Well, the sun has gone down but, the strange thing is the mosquitoes have not gone to sleep yet. Instead, they are swarming all around us and seem to be biting more often. Ted said mosquitoes never sleep. I hope Ted is wrong or this is going to be a really long night.

In order to get some bears/big foots to come around our campsite, we have left out some chopped up pig carcass on the hood of the car. The engine was really hot by the time we got back here so we decided to cook half of the pig parts a bit to get the scent in the air. The rest of the pig parts we left in the back seat in case we needed more bate for later.

The pig parts were left over from when we were chumming for great white sharks out on Lake Michigan. I’m going to have to pick up a lot of pop and beer cans downtown to pay all the fines the Department of Natural Resources socked us with on that trip. Who knew you needed a fishing license to look for great white sharks?

Midnight
Well, my watch says its twelve o’clock and I think something’s going on in the brush. I can’t tell what it is but, something is grunting and, moaning and. circling our camp. At first I thought it was just my brother Mike going for a bathroom break but, he’s still snoring away in his sleeping bag. Well, neither of my brothers is sleeping now. Something big and black just attacked the car. We should have parked the car closer to the camp fire so we could watch the pig carcass better.

I’m not sure what this thing is but, it’s up on its hind legs chomping down on the pig parts. It can’t be a bear because they never stand on their hind legs like a human. It must be a big foot. We’ll know more tomorrow when it goes away and the sun is up.

Day 2
It’s 6 a.m. and something has not only eaten every last bit of pig but, it tore the heck out of Ted’s car. Ted is just sitting up in his sleeping bag not moving at all. He just stares over at his ride. I think he’s in some sort of coma or something. It’s a good thing he’s in a coma because all the windows were smashed and his back seat that held the rest of the pig parts well, I never liked the upholstery anyway. The outside of the car was in even worse condition. Two of the tires were chewed right down to the wire mesh inside of them. There are more claw marks than paint left on his old red Chevy. It’s a good thing I talked him into taking his car out on this trip. I’d be really upset if something ripped my car up like that.

We were very fortunate that the creature did leave some evidence behind for us to examine. At first I thought Mike had something to do with it but, he flatly denied knowing anything about the large brown pile of scat. Yes, the creature took time last night to relieve itself near Ted’s Chevy. Of course, this was no bear that did this. It was a hairy giant manlike thing that stood up on its hind legs while it ate pig and destroyed the red Chevy. I have waited my entire life to find evidence of this creature. Yes, I saw the creature Native Americans call Sasquatch also, known as Big Foot.

Epilogue
As we walked out of the woods I was elated. Not only did I prove there were no bears in Michigan but, I proved the existence of Big Foot. The camera on my cell phone was not working again however, I had in a plastic baggy the evidence I needed to show the scientific world, the quality of the research I do here in Northern Michigan.

We walked about a half mile down the old two track lumber trail then; I thought we had some more luck. We spied a Department of Natural Resources officer walking our way. Unfortunately, the news he had for us was grim. It seems it is illegal to bait bears on state land so, I got a whopping ticket for that. My brother Ted received a citation for abandoning a junk vehicle on state land. The worst news was that removing Sasquatch droppings from their natural habitat is also illegal so, I had to put the pile back where I found it. The officer confiscated my empty bag in case I tried to snitch a little bit of illegal Sasquatch scat for examination.

Well, at least we proved that bears don’t exist here in the lower peninsula of Michigan. I do want to warn everybody that you should not leave any pork parts in your car overnight. My brother Ted found out the hard way that Sasquatch can be really persistent when it comes to pork. Next time, Ted is going to keep any extra pork we have in his sleeping bag where it is safe.