THE ALIEN MIND BENDERS

THE BIZARRE TALE OF PROFESSOR IRENE EMMA CRACKPOTTER

By Tim Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Online Magazine
This is the most bizarre case ever investigated at the Humor News Space Aliens Nuts organization. It all began one day as I was drinking my lunch at the Big Liver Lounge. The Big Liver is a place on the outskirts of Traverse City where people go when they are really depressed and want to consume lots of spirits all alone. The place is dimly lit with only two lights. One is over the bar and the other is in the hallway so that you can read the gender signs on the bathrooms. I figure the place must be clean because it always smells like Lysol.

I was sitting alone at the bar when this hot looking sophisticated lady comes rushing into the place and orders up a pitcher of ice beer and she didn’t care what brand. The bartender said that they only served pitchers to two or more people so the lady moved over to the stool beside of mine and said “I’m with this guy”.

The bartender poured a frothy pitcher of beer and set it down in front of us along with two frosted mugs he pulled out of the freezer under the bar. I thought my luck had changed. A girl sat down beside of me and bought me a drink and I had never met her before. I reached my hand out to shake hers and said “Hi, my name is Tim Colin and you are…?”

“Cool it Colin dude” She said. “You can have a beer but I can’t talk right now after what I’ve just been through.”

I began to think that there was something about me that really turned her off. I thought I had used deodorant that day but, I couldn’t remember if I had brushed my teeth. I hadn’t planned on doing any socializing at the Big Liver or else I would have taken a shower and trimmed my nose hairs. I know they must be pretty long. I haven’t trimmed them in over two weeks. I decided to advance my relationship with the girl by asking her again for her name. “I’m a reporter,” I began. “You can tell me your name and your story. I am a very good listener.”

She looked at me for a moment and then began her story. “I am Professor Irene Emma Crackpotter. I am professor of Space Alien Psychic Hypnosis at Delta Community College down near Saginaw. There we have a two year degree program in Space Alien Psychic Studies which culminates with a very aggressive placement program. Many of my former students have ended up working at very prestigious organizations like McDonalds, Burger King and even The Department of Homeland Security in the airline baggage division. I suppose you are wondering why a sophisticated and educated woman like me is hiding out in this bar that’s full of unemployed alcoholic loser creeps?”

“Yes Professor, I would like to hear your story” I told her. Something told me that this woman was way out of my league. She was well educated and sophisticated. Most women I know smell like a combination of cigarettes and hair spray. This lady smelled a smell I had seldom known before. She smelled clean.

“Well, Colin dude, I am on the run from a group of space aliens in the Upper Peninsula known as “The Mind Benders”. These creatures are putting up an array of antennas which will control the minds of humans all over North America. They are literally sending out psychic brain signals via their antennas which can bend the human mind into thinking evil things to do which will assist the Mind Benders during their conquest of Earth in the year 2012.”

I had finished off most of the pitcher of beer and I was having trouble getting my lips and tongue coordinated to form any intelligible words so instead of dragging out the conversation by questioning the soundness of the lady’s’ assertions, I simply asked “What can I do to help?” I thought I formed the words without letting her know I was intoxicated and was having trouble speaking. I did not want her to get the wrong impression of me on what I considered to be our first date.

“Let’s go,” she said, “We need to get to the U.P. and shut the antenna array down.” She dropped down off her bar stool (she was kind of on the short side). I followed as quickly as I could but I had to climb up off the floor first because something tripped me when I stood up from the bar stool.

The professor had a yellow Volkswagen Bug which was hard for me fall asleep in. The professor drove all the way up to the U.P. and had arrived at our destination before I had waked up. I felt her punching me in the shoulder when I finally awoke. “Wake up! We’re here,” she said.

I apologized for sleeping all the way up. I told her the fresh country air must have made me really tired. She got out of the car while I struggled out of the car and fell on the ground. I got up on my feet and saw that we were near an old light house. She told me we were at Dead Fish Bay and the lighthouse was on a peninsula called Drowning Sailor Point.

As we approached the lighthouse we were suddenly approached by a white bearded old man. I was not too troubled by him until I noticed he had a shot gun. “What are you people doing here?” He asked.

The professor leaned over to me and said “I think that this guy is one of them. Be careful not to give our objective away,” she warned.

I responded to her by saying “No problem”. I then turned to the man with the gun and asked him what he was doing.

“Well I’m moose hunting,” the old man replied. “This is state land and I have a permit to hunt moose this year. I haven’t seen any though. I thought I saw some tracks out there in the water. Moose like water. Well, I guess I had better get back to mother. The old woman probably has supper fixed right about now. I guess we won’t be eating any moose today. Squirrel, that’s what I did shoot today. Tonight I guess I’ll have squirrel to eat. “

As the old man turned to walk away I asked him if he knew of any mind bending antennas in the area. He said he did not know of any antennas except for the one on top of the old abandoned lighthouse. He said he did not know exactly what it was for. He had heard it was for some sort of Canadian TV broadcasting.

The professor almost ran to the old lighthouse. I had to struggle to follow her. I had a bad headache and my legs were wobbling. I had been at the Big Liver Lounge since early in the morning and the day seemed like it was awfully long. The light house door was open and it was not long until we were both at the top of the lighthouse and I found myself pulling down a small pipe that the professor told me was the main piece of mind bending technology. I dropped the pipe on the ground and we were soon both speeding off in the yellow Volkswagen. We were in fear of our lives since we knew the Mind Benders would be trying to hunt us down.

We made it back to the Big Liver lounge before it closed. The professor and I bellied up to the bar and asked for the news to be turned on. There was no one else in the bar so the bar tender had no problem turning on the TV. Not surprisingly, there was breaking news relating to a homeland security attack on a private installation. It was announced on the news that someone had toppled a Canadian home shopping channel relay station located at Dead Fish Bay Michigan. The relay station was broadcasting to Manitowoc Canada. There were three people viewing the show when it suddenly went off the air. The Canadian Mounted Police were offering a reward for information which would lead to finding and fining the scoundrels that took down the station. The reward consisted of a $5.00 (Canadian) coupon for hot coffee at Tim Horton’s Restaurants.

After the news broadcast the professor turned to me and asked “Well, do you know what this means?”

“Yes I do,” I responded. “This means that while we were on a wild goose chase taking down that pipe the Mind Benders were tearing down the relay antenna for the Canadian home shopping show.”

I never heard from the professor again. In fact, when I tried to contact her at Delta College I was told that there was not a Professor I. Emma Crackpotter on staff. So there you have it. The professor was evidently a deep cover agent. She walked into my life with a pitcher of beer and now she was gone. I decided I would have to spend a lot more time at the Big Liver Lounge just in case she should ever return. Everyday for the rest of my life I will look to the door hoping she will walk back into my life and share with me her pitcher of beer.

HIGH TECH DEVICE WILL SAVE AGRICULTURE WORLD WIDE

By Tim Colin
Today I interviewed Dr. Rainwater, professor of industrial and manufacturing arts at Rig A Ma Roll University Online. Dr. Rainwater has developed over the last thirty years a brand new device which will monitor climate change worldwide. Last year Dr. Rainwater won the Nobel Peace Prize in Climatology for the invention of his device which should help farmers’ world wide. The United States Department of Agriculture has ordered 10 million devices at a cost of $7,000 each.

I met Dr. Rainwater at The Skuzz Town bar which is located just east of Skuzz Town Michigan. Skuzz Town is a small Michigan community located on a dirt road that has a sign which says “Seasonal Road” as you turn onto it just off M911. The town itself is made up of a bar, a hardware store and, several rental cabins.

Dr. Rainwater was a rather grizzly fellow with a long gray beard and long gray hair with streaks of black in it. Dr. Rainwater evidently is a collector of antique clothing since the wide lapelled leisure suit and dingy white turtle neck sweater he wore were made about fifteen years before I was born. His high heeled shoes and candy striped bell bottoms told me the good doctor was a bit anachronistic (I always wanted to use the word “anachronistic”).

I asked Dr. Rainwater if he would mind showing me the device he had invented to monitor the weather. “No problem,” he replied as he pulled out an old metal coffee can out from a shopping bag that lay on the bar stool next to his. “This is it,” he said as he pounded it down in front of me. “It is environmentally friendly since it is made out of something that usually ends up in landfills and it works really well at measuring rainfall. Take a look inside and you’ll see where I’ve marked off the inches all up and down the can. The only thing I haven’t perfected is that every time it rains the numbers in the can kind of wash off. I’m experimenting with some different paints and inks to see if I can find one that won’t wash off when it rains. Once I do, my invention will be nearly perfect. It’s just too bad I have not found a clear coffee can so that I can mark the numbers off on the outside instead of the inside. I initially tried to put the numbers on the outside of the can but, you just can see through the metal just how much water there is inside.”

I tried to guzzle down the beer I had in front of me but, it stuck to the table so bad that there was no way I could lift it to my mouth. I finally had to ask the bartender for a straw. I didn’t want to spoil the good doctor’s enthusiasm but, I thought that I had seen a device already similar to the one he had invented. I believe it was called a rain gauge.

Doctor Rainwater went on to tell me that his invention was also being patented as a medical device. It seems not only could the device measure the amount of rainwater that had fallen but, it could help in diagnosing human drainage problems like an enlarged prostrate. Dr Rainwater also said that the device might have military applications. The doctor theorized his invention could be used to measure the fall out of radioactive debris after a thermonuclear war.

THE END

REPORT: RAT CODE NAME SHIVA STATIONED ON THE PLANET EARTH

I hate being here on Earth again.  It is such a stinky planet and we rats are not use to such disgusting smells on my home world.  And, what I really hate is that everywhere you step you get human excrement all over your feet.  It seems that all humans do is mate, eat and drop massive amounts of excrement all over the planet.   I don’t understand why humans can’t learn how to use a toilet or at least bury their defecation's like all other creatures in the multi-verse.  In short, humans are the stupidest, dirtiest, stickiest creatures I have ever encountered anywhere and what’s more, humans leave behind them such massive piles of excrement that even the giant lizards of the Jurassic times could never dream of leaving such squishy piles behind themselves.

I am now requesting in this report that Central Command send some anti-bacterial cream that I can use on my feet to get rid of the nasty fungus that I have developed because of having to walk through so much human excrement.  For if Central Command wants me to stay here on Earth and aid in the liberation of our brethren rats from the dominate species called humans then, I really need to stop the all night itching on my feet that is caused by my having to walk through human excrement all day.  Their bacteria laden feces has made this the most horrible interplanetary assignment I have ever had over the last thousand years that I have been in government service.

There is of course one creature here on earth that could be a real recreational boon back on the home world.  That creature is the elephant.  Just the other day I observed some of our distant cousins on earth called "mice" running up into an elephant's trunk and that made the elephant creature fling his trunk wildly around through the air.  Well, when he was done thrashing about the little mice ran out of his truck laughing hysterically evidently, because of the wild ride they had just taken.  So, I myself ran up into the elephant's trunk and sure enough the ride was fantastic.  After I ran out of the trunk I decided then and there that I had to get one for the kids back home.  They will be surprised at the great ride dear old dad is sending them though the worm hole.  I just hope that my rat brethren can be soon liberated from the forces of evil, namely humans then, I'll be able to return home and be with my family once again.

  RAT EARTH COMMANDER CODE NAME SHIVA  

RANSOM IN SPACE: THE TRUTH BEHIND THE HUBBLE REPAIR MISSION

This is shocking news just in. It has been exclusively learned by this publication that, the Hubble Telescope repair mission was just a front for the payment of ransom for a famous celebrity. This information comes to us via our inside the government informant known only by the code name "Little Dipper". Little Dipper (LD) told our correspondent that the space shuttle took up with it a whopping 1 billion dollars in gold. Why would the government need to send up a whopping 1 billion dollars in gold to repair a space telescope? The answer will shock you.

According to LD the gold was to be used to pay off some space aliens who have been holding hostage a major Hollywood celebrity. LD was not sure who this mystery celebrity was but, though our vast computing resources and methods of reasoning here at "Humor News Outer Space Nuts", we have come up with the identity of the celebrity and it will shock you when we tell you who it is in the next paragraph or so.

In order to get the computing power we needed to deduce the name of the celebrity being held hostage by space aliens in outer space, we had to use, as noted above, all of our computing resources. We hooked up our Dell, Mac and HP computers.Finally we added our most powerful predictive computer device the Atari 64 (loaded with the original Space Invaders game that came with it).

After 48 hours of constant computing and game play, our answer was at hand. It seems that only one celebrity could be currently held by space aliens who would be worth a billion dollars. That would be Bruce Willis. Think about it. Mr. Willis has not been seen in any movies lately therefor, it has to be him. He wasn't in the recent Star Trek movie, Terminator movie or, X-Men. All other major celebrities are accounted for by our computers and, they all appeared in one of the aforementioned movies that we at this publication, would go to see. Movies are not real entertainment without aliens and monsters in them. All other films are just some sort of educational flick. Watching a non-monster/alien movie is like watching a movie about "how to brush your teeth". Tooth brushing movies are sickening to watch besides, why take the time to brush when you can polish at least your front teeth, on you T-shirt while watching TV. As far as the back teeth are concerned, who sees your back teeth anyway?

The only question now is whether the ransom was being paid to bring Bruce Willis back or, to keep him in outer space? What sinister plot could someone in the government be hatching if the aliens are being paid to keep a famous actor like Bruce Willis in space? Here is a man that can not only act but, can speak in coherent sentences without another human being directing him. We will keep you informed.

LORD OF THE UNDERWEAR FLIES

The Department of Homeland Security now imposes a mandatory intense search of everyone’s groin area before they are allowed upon an airplane. Unfortunately, most passengers do not enjoy such intrusive and embarrassing touching. Many passengers feel that Homeland Security personnel and management need to learn the difference between good touching and bad touching. I believe there is a film series put out for K-6 students that might be used as part of the training for our Homeland professionals.

Because of the complaints about the current “we’ll touch you but don’t tell” Homeland Security policy I decided if there were any businesses that could come up with an alternative way to detect underwear bombs. I began my search by Yahooing the internet for underwear security firms. I almost immediately came up with a company that had a very advanced prototype of underwear bomb detecting service. According to this companies web page it seems that NASA had hired this particular company to develop a method for detecting space aliens at NASA research stations in Antarctica. It seems that Danish scientists are routinely blasting out of the ice a type of space alien that can change into any living form, including humans. It seems that the one way to tell who is human and who one of those things is is to check out the smell of an individual’s underwear. Humans have stinky underwear but a thing has sweet salad flavored underwear. The flavorful smell can best be described as that of very high quality cannabis. So pretty much anyone who has underwear smelling like cannabis is an evil alien space invader.

The company that developed this new method of finding changeling space invaders is called Hempunder. The method is very simple. It seems that flies are attracted to dirty underwear. When someone walks around with dirty underwear on it is like ringing a loud dinner bell for most species of flies. Well Hempunder developed a mutated form of fly that can smell hemp. If your underwear has ever had any hemp in it these flies will swarm your crotch like it was a discount retailer on Black Friday (biggest shopping day of the year).

Not only can Hempunder detect space aliens through it’s crotch sniffing flies but, these same flies can be trained to find any bombs let loose in underwear both in the back and the front. So, it seems there is an alternative to allowing to such intrusive invasions of privates…

ALIEN FUTURE HEAD LICE ENDS MALE COUNTRY WESTERN MUSIC FOREVER

I just got back from the future and I brought back a really terrible type of head lice.  It seems that in the future because of global warming there are only two species of creatures left.  One is completely hairless humans and the other is a really super strain of head lice.

The thing about this super form of head lice is that it is said they come from outer space.  It seems that an advance race of rat type creatures inadvertently brought this type of lice to earth and they quickly took over the entire planet.  In order to survive, human men became completely bald and lost even the hair on their hidden areas.  Females had to shave themselves in order to avoid the lice.  Hairy men who played country music were the first ones to be deleted from the human gnome by the lice epidemic.  In terms of genetics and the future, the alien head lice epidemic determined that when it comes to being human,  the male country singer was the weakest link.  

Of course I did not mean to bring these lice back from the future but, I happened to fall in love with a beautiful brunet in the future and she gave me head lice.   After all, I don’t want to have head lice in the future , past or present.  So, in order to get rid of head lice I went outside and rubbed my entire body on a burn barrel.  The head lice are now gone however, I spread those same lice all over town by swimming in a communal bath at the YMCA. It seems that head lice from the future are extremely good swimmers.

CELL PHONES ARE ALIEN TECH FROM OUTER SPACE

By Ted Colin
Yesterday, while I was watching Fox News I accidentally hit my remote control and turned the sound on. Generally, Fox News is best viewed as a visual arts channel with the sound turned off. I just like to sit in a chair with a can of beer and enjoy all the hot chicks on Fox News as they model in those incredibly short skirts.

Well, anyway before I could turn the sound off again one of the pretty models said that nearly 90% of the households in America had cell phones. For the rest of the day I did not think much about the fact that Americans have advanced technological devices stuck to the sides of their heads. However, after drinking beer all day I watched a pirated Doctor Who show on the internet. Before the show was over the BBC had the FBI show up at my house and they pulled the plug on my internet access citing national security concerns. The FBI also confiscated a dish of pork and beans that mom brought over citing the fact that the dish of beans and elements in it that could be used to make some very powerful explosives. I asked the FBI if the rumor was true that Bin Laden and his family were living in Detroit. They tasared me and said that I should leave that poor man and his family alone. “After all,” they said,” The Bin Laden family is the most generous secret foreign financial backers of the Chamber of Commerce and according the Supreme Court the Chamber get to decide who runs the country.” I didn’t understand anything the FBI was talking about. I just did not like being tasared while they were saying it. That taser thing was really making me loose the buzz I had so carefully nursed all day long.

Since I had no TV I decided to walk down to the bar and get really liquored up. I staggered into the bar and ordered Gunnies in a tall pilsner glass. I love the way that beer foams around after it is poured. It is just like watching a lava lamp. It is a great tasting beer with long lasting effects. When you are really wickedly, obnoxiously hammered there is nothing like a tall glass of Gunnies beer to keep you there.

After looking around the bar I saw a lot of people talking mindlessly on their cell phones. The old gray haired guy sitting next to me must have noticed my fascination with cell phones when he said, “Those cell phones are just a way for space aliens to control our minds.”

“You know I saw part of a documentary earlier today on the BBC that was about aliens controlling our minds using cell phone technology.”

“The BBC, isn’t that British television?” my bar friend mumbled.

“Yeah, it is I said. You can’t get that kind of stuff on American TV. Here everything is censored. I even had my TV plug pulled by the FBI today for watching the BBC.”

“You don’t say,” my bar friend said.

REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE 10TH OF NOVEBER, THE ALUMINUM FOIL TREASON AND PLOT

The Men in Dark Suits (MIDS) raided our offices again yesterday and effectively shut us down. They said they were from the zoning board but, we know the truth. It seems we have been getting too close to the truth about our governments cover up of alien encounters. Our government and its masters in outer space, deem the Humor News Nuts organization to be enemy number one. They seek to silence our point of view so that space aliens can continue to wipe out our culture, our capitalist way of life and finally, our species.

Although things look very dim for humanity, we at our great and historic publication will not go down without a fight. Since January 2009, Humor News Nuts has been exposing all sorts of government cover-up shenanigans Most of the stories we cover you will not find anywhere else in print or online. FOX, CNN, CSPAN etc., all refuse to air anything we have to say about the outer space conspiracies and the evil Men in Dark Suits who wickedly trespass across our constitutional rights. So what if we're running an internet publication on property zoned for medical marijuana sales only.

We of course cannot fight this fight alone. We are dependent upon our readers to join in combat against the space aliens and their Men in Dark Suits stooges. The first thing everyone needs to do is to buy aluminum foil and construct a helmet. Wear this helmet everywhere you go It will keep your mind free of government brain washing and it will send a chilling message to the space aliens that we humans have not all surrendered to their will. Wearing aluminum foil hats begins today, the 9th of November. Future generations of freedom lovers will one day say “Remember, Remember the 10th of November, the aluminum foil treason and plot.”

Note: In full disclosure, I’ve been buying up stock in Indian aluminum foil companies all week in anticipation of this editorial. No wonder people who write for Wall Street publications are all so rich. Buying up stock in something and then recommending it in a publication seems like a great way to get really rich. Who says everyone on Wall Street is a crook? It would be really nice if the companies you recommend also kicked in a trip to the Bahamas or some other nice place.

U.S. PAYS WAR REPARATIONS TO MOON MEN

By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Well our nation has finally capitulated to the demands for war reparations from the occupants who live beneath the lunar surface.  The twin spacecraft that entered lunar orbit last New Years Eve are not there to survey what lies beneath the moon but instead are there with valuable cargo which must be delivered to the moon creatures in order to keep them from destroying our planet.

As has been reported in the news media the United States lost the initial war with the moon creatures.  Then President Obama ordered a nuclear strike at the lunar poles in order to measure the amount of water that flew up into the atmosphere.  In fact finding water at the poles was just a cover story for what was a thermal nuclear attack which failed miserably.  It seems the moon men have perfected the art of constructing force fields that can withstand anything theta our great military can throw at it.  It seems the scientists on the moon grew  up watching star trek and remembered the secret to constructing force fields that was reviled in episode six in during the forth season of the show.

Ironically, the fourth season was never shown here on earth because the show was cancelled in the third season however, the fourth season was beamed into outer space by project Betty using microwave technology.     Project Betty was the precursor program to Project Setti,  Project Betty tried to send messages regarding how powerful but enlightened the people of this planet are.  Project Setti has since that time been waiting for someone to send a signal back to us.  Of course there is great debate amongst scientists as to whether or not we should have used the Star Trek TV show to show beings on other worlds how we earth people behave and how advanced our spaceships are both in terms of speed and military capabilities.    Some scientists believe that pretending that our civilization is as advanced as the one on Star Trek is just about like lying to the whole universe.  These naysayer think that if aliens ever do stop by the earth they might think that we are nothing but a race of lying, deceitful creatures and the space aliens might just disintegrate our whole planet just for wasting their time.

There are other scientists who believe that pretending we are more advanced than we are to the galactic community is a good thing.  They point out that there are most likely a lot of hooligan species out there roaming around the galaxy looking to plunder worlds with unsophisticated technologies.  There maybe whole planets full of pirates out there just beboping around looking for trouble.   The problem with any type of advanced techno bullies is that we really have no defenses against beings with the ability to travel across solar systems let along galaxies and maybe across the whole universe.  While we try to master the finer points of the “Rock, Paper Scissors “ game our alien friends are playing games like “Projected Plasma Disintegrator, Encrypted Tachyons, Singularity Grenade.”.