Search This Blog

Saturday, December 14, 2013


By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Publications

It has come to our attention that there is a strange creature lurking in North Western Michigan and his name is Lizard Boy. Many recent campers have cited this creature usually lying in the dirt slurping up worms and bugs. This would not be unusual for any creatures living in Northern Michigan including the people that live outside of town however, whenever Lizard Boy sees a person, he gets up on his hind legs, looks the person in the eye, they Lizard Boy runs away on his back legs with his long tail flapping behind him.

Besides his aforementioned flat tail, Lizard Boy is described as having a gray/brownish body with black bands on his tail. He also has four toes and four fingers with little suction cups on the ends of his fingers. His eyes are round and his mouth is what many describe, as a round suction cup. Lizard Boy is about 6-15 inches long. Below you can see a rough sketch done by our forensic scientist/sketch type person. This sketch is based upon over 100 sitings of Lizard Boy although, no one really knows if Lizard Boy is a boy, a girl or an it. The sketch is posted below at the bottom of this page.

Upon showing our sketch to the local Department Of Resources (DNR) Agents, they just laughed and said they had "...never seen anything like that before!!!". We asked the DNR if Lizard boy might be from some other world? The DNR responded that "based upon the sketch and descriptions of this creature, it is just as likely it comes from outer space...".

The person who had the closest encounter with this "alien" was a Mrs. Paula Blinder from the town of Wild Imagination Michigan. Paula stated, "I got up out of my tent one morning and there was this lizard thing cooking bacon on my camp stove. The thing looked at me, scrunched up its sucker mouth a couple of times, slurped down my bacon and took off on his back legs, running into the woods. I never saw him again after that but, that picture you have looks just like him."

So, that's the story of Lizard Boy. We can only hope that this Lizard Boy is not just a baby. We can only hope that there is not some bigger Lizard Momma or Lizard Daddy out there waiting to eat even larger pieces of your bacon. Maybe this creature is just a part of an invasion force from another planet. Let us hope not or all of our bacon will be in jeopardy.

Thursday, October 31, 2013



By Tim Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Online Magazine
This is the most bizarre case ever investigated at the Humor News Space Aliens Nuts organization. It all began one day as I was drinking my lunch at the Big Liver Lounge. The Big Liver is a place on the outskirts of Traverse City where people go when they are really depressed and want to consume lots of spirits all alone. The place is dimly lit with only two lights. One is over the bar and the other is in the hallway so that you can read the gender signs on the bathrooms. I figure the place must be clean because it always smells like Lysol.

I was sitting alone at the bar when this hot looking sophisticated lady comes rushing into the place and orders up a pitcher of ice beer and she didn’t care what brand. The bartender said that they only served pitchers to two or more people so the lady moved over to the stool beside of mine and said “I’m with this guy”.

The bartender poured a frothy pitcher of beer and set it down in front of us along with two frosted mugs he pulled out of the freezer under the bar. I thought my luck had changed. A girl sat down beside of me and bought me a drink and I had never met her before. I reached my hand out to shake hers and said “Hi, my name is Tim Colin and you are…?”

“Cool it Colin dude” She said. “You can have a beer but I can’t talk right now after what I’ve just been through.”

I began to think that there was something about me that really turned her off. I thought I had used deodorant that day but, I couldn’t remember if I had brushed my teeth. I hadn’t planned on doing any socializing at the Big Liver or else I would have taken a shower and trimmed my nose hairs. I know they must be pretty long. I haven’t trimmed them in over two weeks. I decided to advance my relationship with the girl by asking her again for her name. “I’m a reporter,” I began. “You can tell me your name and your story. I am a very good listener.”

She looked at me for a moment and then began her story. “I am Professor Irene Emma Crackpotter. I am professor of Space Alien Psychic Hypnosis at Delta Community College down near Saginaw. There we have a two year degree program in Space Alien Psychic Studies which culminates with a very aggressive placement program. Many of my former students have ended up working at very prestigious organizations like McDonalds, Burger King and even The Department of Homeland Security in the airline baggage division. I suppose you are wondering why a sophisticated and educated woman like me is hiding out in this bar that’s full of unemployed alcoholic loser creeps?”

“Yes Professor, I would like to hear your story” I told her. Something told me that this woman was way out of my league. She was well educated and sophisticated. Most women I know smell like a combination of cigarettes and hair spray. This lady smelled a smell I had seldom known before. She smelled clean.

“Well, Colin dude, I am on the run from a group of space aliens in the Upper Peninsula known as “The Mind Benders”. These creatures are putting up an array of antennas which will control the minds of humans all over North America. They are literally sending out psychic brain signals via their antennas which can bend the human mind into thinking evil things to do which will assist the Mind Benders during their conquest of Earth in the year 2012.”

I had finished off most of the pitcher of beer and I was having trouble getting my lips and tongue coordinated to form any intelligible words so instead of dragging out the conversation by questioning the soundness of the lady’s’ assertions, I simply asked “What can I do to help?” I thought I formed the words without letting her know I was intoxicated and was having trouble speaking. I did not want her to get the wrong impression of me on what I considered to be our first date.

“Let’s go,” she said, “We need to get to the U.P. and shut the antenna array down.” She dropped down off her bar stool (she was kind of on the short side). I followed as quickly as I could but I had to climb up off the floor first because something tripped me when I stood up from the bar stool.

The professor had a yellow Volkswagen Bug which was hard for me fall asleep in. The professor drove all the way up to the U.P. and had arrived at our destination before I had waked up. I felt her punching me in the shoulder when I finally awoke. “Wake up! We’re here,” she said.

I apologized for sleeping all the way up. I told her the fresh country air must have made me really tired. She got out of the car while I struggled out of the car and fell on the ground. I got up on my feet and saw that we were near an old light house. She told me we were at Dead Fish Bay and the lighthouse was on a peninsula called Drowning Sailor Point.

As we approached the lighthouse we were suddenly approached by a white bearded old man. I was not too troubled by him until I noticed he had a shot gun. “What are you people doing here?” He asked.

The professor leaned over to me and said “I think that this guy is one of them. Be careful not to give our objective away,” she warned.

I responded to her by saying “No problem”. I then turned to the man with the gun and asked him what he was doing.

“Well I’m moose hunting,” the old man replied. “This is state land and I have a permit to hunt moose this year. I haven’t seen any though. I thought I saw some tracks out there in the water. Moose like water. Well, I guess I had better get back to mother. The old woman probably has supper fixed right about now. I guess we won’t be eating any moose today. Squirrel, that’s what I did shoot today. Tonight I guess I’ll have squirrel to eat. “

As the old man turned to walk away I asked him if he knew of any mind bending antennas in the area. He said he did not know of any antennas except for the one on top of the old abandoned lighthouse. He said he did not know exactly what it was for. He had heard it was for some sort of Canadian TV broadcasting.

The professor almost ran to the old lighthouse. I had to struggle to follow her. I had a bad headache and my legs were wobbling. I had been at the Big Liver Lounge since early in the morning and the day seemed like it was awfully long. The light house door was open and it was not long until we were both at the top of the lighthouse and I found myself pulling down a small pipe that the professor told me was the main piece of mind bending technology. I dropped the pipe on the ground and we were soon both speeding off in the yellow Volkswagen. We were in fear of our lives since we knew the Mind Benders would be trying to hunt us down.

We made it back to the Big Liver lounge before it closed. The professor and I bellied up to the bar and asked for the news to be turned on. There was no one else in the bar so the bar tender had no problem turning on the TV. Not surprisingly, there was breaking news relating to a homeland security attack on a private installation. It was announced on the news that someone had toppled a Canadian home shopping channel relay station located at Dead Fish Bay Michigan. The relay station was broadcasting to Manitowoc Canada. There were three people viewing the show when it suddenly went off the air. The Canadian Mounted Police were offering a reward for information which would lead to finding and fining the scoundrels that took down the station. The reward consisted of a $5.00 (Canadian) coupon for hot coffee at Tim Horton’s Restaurants.

After the news broadcast the professor turned to me and asked “Well, do you know what this means?”

“Yes I do,” I responded. “This means that while we were on a wild goose chase taking down that pipe the Mind Benders were tearing down the relay antenna for the Canadian home shopping show.”

I never heard from the professor again. In fact, when I tried to contact her at Delta College I was told that there was not a Professor I. Emma Crackpotter on staff. So there you have it. The professor was evidently a deep cover agent. She walked into my life with a pitcher of beer and now she was gone. I decided I would have to spend a lot more time at the Big Liver Lounge just in case she should ever return. Everyday for the rest of my life I will look to the door hoping she will walk back into my life and share with me her pitcher of beer.

Friday, May 31, 2013


By Shelia (Shiva)
Alien Editor
Hunor News Nuts Publications

My name is Shelia and I come from the planet Weathersgood. My code name is Shiva. Shiva was an Indian god of destruction. I always tell my enemies I am Shiva, the destroyer of their world. The literate humans on your world get it. I have to rely on snarling my teeth to scare the stupid humans. I seem to have to snarl my teeth way too often now days. I think humans are becomming more stupid. Personally, I blame the internet. Humans use to have to invent games to play with themselves. Now they only want to play with other people on the internet. So, most of the time they just copy each other in stupid pictures and videos they post. You know a lack of imagination kills off a lot of civilizations. The dinosaurs never thought to move the Earth just a few thousand kilometers in order to avoid being destroyed. Dinosaurs had the technology they just din't have the imagination to use it. Of course humans don't have the imagination to create the technology to move planets around. Half the humans think that their planet is flat while the other half don't realize they live on a planet. Well, enough with running you humans down but, after reading one blog in particular I just can't help myself when it comes to commenting on the so-called "dominant speiceis" on this little cold blue ball.

Today I decided to add an op-ed editorial to the ramblings on this blog. This is not a sanctioned piece so I have to publish it today before anyone gets here. I’m in the offices of the Humor News Nuts Blog. They really need better security. Anyone can come in here off the street and start typing. I just used my crowbar to open the door and I was inside in no time. An alarm went off but, I used my crowbar to turn it off. A crowbar is a very versatile tool and one of the most useful technologies you humans ever came up with.

I do not come in peace or to save humans. I am here in these offices today to set the record straight regarding the reason I am on your planet. You see I am not here to save you humans; I am here to save my genetic cousins whom you call rats.

The creatures you call rats were once known as “The Thirteenth Tribe” among my people. They were colonist on the planet you call earth. You see over one million years ago my people came to your planet and built a vast civilization. At that time our colonist excelled in the arts, sciences and literature. The Thirteenth Tribe was looked upon as an inspiration to my people. For over 900,000 years the Thirteenth Tribe held a seat of honor on the high council of our empire. Throughout the Universe scholars and artists would study every feature of Thirteenth Tribe culture. But, then the great plague happened which destroyed the culture of the Thirteenth Tribe.

What was that heinous plague that destroyed my people on this planet? It was no bug, no virus no deadly bacteria. Instead it was a horrific disease spread by the most dangerous monsters in the universe. The disease was stupidity and it was spread by a bunch of hairy little toads known as human beings. That’s right; humans are really a type of toad and not even remotely related to mammals. If you observe them sleeping you will notice that they usually leave their mouths open so, that even when asleep, humans can continue to catch flies with their tongues. Humans, like most toads, are obsessed with flies. Humans call zippers flies, they catch fly balls and they fear some demon known as Beelzebub; the lord of the flies.

These fly eating toads first, struck down the children of The Thirteenth Tribe. Humans, like all toads, are covered with poison filled warts. Even though they were warned, the children of our colonist still touched the toads and, became instantly addicted to video games and extreme sports. The disease spread quickly to the adult population. Over the last hundred thousand years my people on this planet have become desperate to find food and shelter. The Thirteenth Tribe has now reverted back to an epoch in which my people lacked the ability to travel in space and time.
Of course I still have to save this planet and what is left of the Thirteenth Tribe.

There is another race from another galaxy that looks like my people. They have been sending out pre-invasion parties to this planet. It seems they want to conquer and enslave my cousins but, I along with a few loyal hairy toad companions have been able to thwart all the expeditionary forces that have arrived thus far.

Even though I have hairy toads that work for me, I have to say I am very disappointed with how you hairy toads have been treating my people. There is some geek named Gerrard that raises my people for experiments. I’d like to nibble off one of his ears while he's sleeping but, he probably would look better and I don’t want to do him any favors.

I did elope back to my home world with Gerrard’s pet rat. We married and raised a family together. Unfortunately Ernie or ER (that was his name) decided that he was going to run off with a younger rat. Our marriage was over after 30 days but, we managed to raise a family together and the last one had graduated from college before ER left.

For a time my family had a pet hairy toad from earth. We kept it in a cage so no one could touch it and become stupid. It was fun to watch it on the wheel it had in its cage. I placed a picture of a female toad in front of the wheel and our pet toad would run after the picture for hours thinking it could catch the picture. I put a mirror in its cage and the silly thing would kiss itself in the mirror for hours. Finally, I ended up releasing my toad into the wild when I returned to earth. I guess he works as a Chief Executive Officer for some insurance company. I knew he was not very bright.

In terms of my former husband I received a Xmas card from him a last year. ER could not write his name or count only up to six. He signed his card ER 1,2,3,4,5,6. I’m not sure why he contacted me after several years had passed since our divorce. I hope he doesn’t think I will take him back. He made his nest so he can lie in it.

Well, I'm out of this dump. It's getting late and I have some clubs to hit tonight. Although you hairy toads are not very smart or clean, you are really good dancers.

Monday, January 21, 2013


Big Barry Had The Balloons
By Ted Colin
Associat Editor,
Humor News Nuts Online Magazine

I recently received a call from a Big Barry who owns a toy factory over in Kalkaska County. He said that one night he threw an outdoor cookout party for his employees just behind the factory and according to Barry, several UFO‘s started to hover overhead. Barry said that all of his employees were so amazed at the hovering crafts that many of them dropped their plastic glasses of vodka laced fruit punch.

I was intrigued with what Barry had told me so I asked him if he still had any vodka laced fruit punch left. He said he had about ten gallons of it so I agreed to stake out his factory for an evening as long as I could have a gallon of fruit punch. Barry asked me “Are you going to use the fruit punch as bait to bring in the aliens?”

“Let’s just say that the fruit punch might make it easier for me to spot your UFO’s“, I replied.

Barry agreed to give me what I wanted so I showed up the next evening with my colleague Gerrard to see if we might just spot some UFO’s. Barry left a gallon of fruit punch on a picnic table just behind the main building. It was an old wood plank table set up evidently for the lunch breaks of the employees. Outdoor picnic table lunch facilities are common at Northern Michigan businesses. Barry not only left us the gallon of punch and some plastic cups to drink it with but, he also left us an old box full of various outdated snack packs that came from the vending machine. Barry had certainly gone all out to keep us happy. Gerrard and I each brought a sleeping bag since we were not intending to go anywhere especially if we had any fruit punch.

It was cloudy that evening so it got dark fairly early. Gerrard and I looked up at the gray darkening sky and saw several objects directly over the back parking lot of the factory. Gerrard and I squatted down behind the picnic table so as not to scare off the aliens. I started watching the aliens really close when I heard the constant crunching of corn chips by Gerrard. We had not been there more than twenty minutes and all the candy bars from the snack box were devoured by Gerrard. Now he was working on eating all the corn and potato chips. He was just smacking away while I was vigilantly watching the space ships hover over the yard. I figured it wouldn’t be long and all the snacks would be gone and I had not even eaten a bag of pretzels.

Finally, I had had enough of Gerrard. “Gerrard,” I said, “quit scarping down all the snack food and get your cell phone out. We need to get some pictures of these spaceships to prove that we didn’t just make this up.”

“I can’t take any pictures,” Gerrard replied.

“Why not?” I asked. “Didn’t you bring along your cell phone like I told you?”

“Oh I brought along my cell phone,” Gerrard assured me. “The only thing is the battery is dead so I can’t even tell people live what we’re doing on our Twitter account.”

“Dog gone it Gerrard. I spent all last night trying to figure out how to set up a Twitter account to compliment our blog. I did it just so we could be high tech tonight. Twitter is where it’s at now. Bloging is just so 2010. I was hoping pictures from your cell phone would compliment our tweet tonight and we’d be world famous with our proof of alien visitation. Now since you’ve messed everything up I guess there’s only one thing left for us to do. We’re going to have to capture one of those spacecraft and hold it until morning.”

I was really mad and it was a hot night and the heat made me feel even more intensely upset. I was still determined to prove that we had seen aliens so I stood up and moved around the picnic table and motioned for Gerrard to follow me. The closer we moved toward the initial siting the space ships seemed to appear. There must have been a dozen of them hovering over the ground at different altitudes. Some hovered over the barn while others hovered just a few feet above the earth. All of the spaceships seemed really small so I imagined that either the aliens were little teeny guys or perhaps the spaceships were just drones. In either case capturing just one of them would prove the existence of extraterrestrials once and for all.

As I said before it was really hot that night but, just as Gerrard and I approached the aliens a cool breeze came up which felt really good. Suddenly, the spacecrafts moved and tossed around.

“I’m getting kind of scared,” Gerrard whispered to me. “I’ve got to get a look at those things before I just go up there and grab one.” Gerrard pulled out a flashlight and aimed it directly at one of the spacecrafts. The light hit the nearest craft which was shaped like a heart. I believed that it must have been some sort of stealth design so that conventional radar and even a tachyon beam would not be able to detect it.

The craft itself was blood red in color with a curious message at the heart of it so to speak. It said, “BE MY VALENTINE”. Since we were no where near Valentines Day on the calendar I interpreted the message as one of friendship. Maybe the aliens thought that their message was a way to say “hello”. This gave me confidence that if we grabbed one of them they would not put up much of a fight since they might be thinking that Gerrard and I had peaceful intentions.

Gerrard suddenly flashed his light on another square shaped balloon This balloon was a steel blue in color with purple letters on it that said “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”. “Now how did they know that today is my birthday?” Gerrard gasped.

“I didn’t know it was your birthday Gerrard,” I said. “If I had known it was your birthday I wouldn’t have been so upset when you ate up all the free candy bars and didn’t leave any for me.”

“Well, the reason the battery on my cell phone is dead is because I took so many pictures at my birthday party earlier today. I took a picture of mom and then I took dozens of pictures of my new pet rat named Jimmy. He is really quite. I put a little paper birthday hat on him made out of the same construction paper as the hat that mom made for me. He was so adorable I couldn’t stop taking pictures of him even after he drew a lot of blood when he bit mom’s finger. She had to get some rabies and tetanus shots but she‘s o.k. now”.

Gerrard and I were almost up to one of the spaceships when suddenly a gust of wind came up and all the spaceships sailed off into the woods behind the factory and were gone from sight. We did not go after them because the forests in Michigan are so dangerous at night. Big Foots and other monsters are all skulking around in the forest and humans are a nice little bedtime snack for a Michigan forest monster.

Gerrard and I stayed up a while longer waiting to see if the spaceships might return but they never came back. Gerrard saved some pretzels for me so I had my dinner that night and between the two of us we polished off the gallon of fruit punch that Barry had left for our payment.

The next day I told Barry about what Gerrard and I had seen during the night. Barry was puzzled as to why space aliens were so interested in his factory. “After all,” he said “we just make balloons here for special occasions. We make massive amounts of balloons for birthdays or holidays like Valentines Day and then ship them off en-mass to retailers all around the country. Occasionally, we test blown up balloons out back to see how long they stay blown up. Sometimes they go way up height and out of sight but they always return to earth when the helium seeps out. I just don’t understand why aliens would take such and interest in our low tech business.”

Well, there you have it. This is a mystery definitely solved but, not proven. We know aliens hover over Barry’s balloon factory but no one knows why. Perhaps the next time Barry has some left over fruit punch we might go back and spend some more time investigating the UFO sittings at Big Barry’s balloon factory.

My Blog List