This is a saterical look at the paranoid and delusional mentality that creates the monsters, space aliens and government conspiracies that haunt us each day. Nothing written on this blog is true.
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Thursday, October 18, 2012
END OF THE WORLD IN 2012
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
A lot of people are getting ready for the world to end in 2012. One reason people believe the world ends in 2012 is because the Ancient Mayans left a calendar for us in the modern day, in which the world ends on December 21st 2012. Of course one problem with this end of the world theory is that no one today actually speaks ancient Mayan. Where the Mayans use to live I believe people speak Spanish so how does anyone really know what the Mayan calendar actually predicts. So, I decided to channel the ancient Mayan high priestess to see when exactly the world would end.
Now, the name of the high priestess of the Mayans is Charlene. Her father who had been the high priest before her wanted a boy and had picked out the name Charlie for him. Well, his child was a girl so Charlene was the name she got which is similar to Charlie. She did tell me that everyone called her Charlie as her nickname.
“So Charlie, when is the world going to end?” I asked.
“Well you see Madam Misty,” she began, “The world is not going to end in 2012 as most people believe. These modern eggheads at your universities have completely read the undo of the world date wrong.”
Charlie stopped for a moment and took a sip of the Mogen David wine I had given her. I always offer visiting spooks Mogen David wine because after being dead they really appreciate a nice sweet wine that goes down easy. After all, the dead are used to sucking down dirt which is really bitter so a sweet wine gives them pleasure and makes them feel like they are still alive and of course the alcohol makes them talkative. “In fact Madam Misty the professors at your universities have misread the date we have ensconced in stone as the day the world ends. Your brainy people have interpreted the Mayan calendar to set the date of the end of the world as December 21, 2012. In fact, the world ends on October 12, 2021. It seems that smart people in your time suffer from the disease our doctors use to call dyslexia.”
“That’s very interesting,” I replied. “But, What causes the end of the world?” I asked.
“The end of the world is really sad, Madam Misty. You see in the state of Michigan there will be this pig farmer named Johansen. Now it seems that Johansen has always entered the pig contest at the fair every single year since he was a little boy. Of course he never got the blue ribbon for having the biggest pig at the fair. Well, by 2021 Johansen will have a boy of his own who is entering a pig at the fair in the pig with the most weight category. Now Johansen is determined that his son should win the blue ribbon so he devises a scheme to make the boy’s pig become really huge. You see Johansen knows that only a third of what a pig eats turns into pork and the rest of the food goes out the back end. So Johansen decides to cork the back end of the pig up really tight so that everything the pig eats goes into weighing up the pig for the fair. Johansen then has truckloads of baked goods that bakeries and stores have thrown out trucked into his pig farm. The pig then began to eat. Well, over the course of months the pig gets bigger and, bigger and, bigger until he is as big as the state of Michigan. Now Johansen figures his son is surely going to take home the blue ribbon and might even set a record for the being the worlds largest pig. So Johansen sets about having trainloads of discarded backed goods hauled into his pig farm. Then his pig got bigger and, bigger and bigger until the pig was as huge as all of Canada but still, Johansen wanted to make sure his son would win the blue ribbon so he contracted for giant containerships to deliver vast quantities of discarded backed goods from every bakery and store in the entire world. Of course the pig then got bigger and bigger, and bigger until it was as big as all of North America.”
“So Johansen’s son must of won the blue ribbon at the state fair,” I said thinking that the story seemed to have a happy ending. “He must have been quite the happy boy. I bet his father was really proud as well.”
“Actually no, the boy did not win the state fair and no one knows what Johansson’s last thoughts were,” Charlie continued. “For you see before the judges at the fair could check out the final weight of the Johansen mega pig there was an incident. It seems that someone little 2 year old girl named Sandy was playing down in Tijuana which is where the backend of the monstrous pig was situated and little Sandy decided she would give a little tug on the cork. Of course the cork had so much pressure behind it that just a slight tug was all it took for the pig to really open up. Well, I don’t think I need to paint you a picture of the aftermath. Needless to say the entire earth became uninhabitable for millions of years. Every single species of beast and flora became extinct all over the earth. Of course after millions of years the earth was colonized by alien farmers who found that this planet had the richest soil in the universe.”
“Oh that poor little girl,” I observed.
“The little girl was actually the only survivor of your species” responded Charlie . “You see the initial blast out of the pigs backend was so great that the little girl was blasted off into outer space with a methane bubble protecting her from depressurizing in outer space. At least she survived a few minutes until an alien space craft picked her up and took her away to another world where she was raised like a little princess.”
Well, once the wine was gone the Mayan high priestess was gone as well. I guess that according to the Mynas we are going to have to wait a few more years until the world actually ends. But, 2021 is really not that far off so maybe we should all start preparing for that now. I’m going to start buying canned goods to store because I’m sure toward the end of days there will be a lot of chaos which leads to food shortages. One thing though is that I wont have to worry about expiration dates on my canned goods being beyond the year 2021. Already most of the canned goods I buy are at the dollar store and the dates are in some kind of code and you have to call a 1-800 number to find out what date the code references. I tried calling the 1-800 number once but, the person on the other end of the line spoke complete gibberish which I could not understand. I think they must of been a politician moonlighting as a real working person..