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Thursday, April 19, 2012


By Tim Colin

Last night I went down to the best burger-joint restaurant in Northern Michigan. I’m of course talking about the HAVE GUTS, EAT MEAT BURGER franchise down on Quinsy Avenue. The world famous Guts Burger is truly a family favorite for locals and tourists alike. The burger itself is made up of over one pound of pure animal guts with no other additives. The guts types of animimals the guts come from is of course a corporate secret and the Guts Burger Corporation has taken many large companies to court to ensure that no one else in the world uses the same secret combination of guts that the Guts Burger chain of restaurants has painstakingly developed at a secret chemical lab in Detroit. Of course there is also the secret spleen sauce that goes on every Guts Burger. This sauce certainly brings out the flavor of the meat and the sauces mucus like drippings enhances the overall ambiance of the Guts Burger experience.

The Guts Burger is served with a side order of deep fat fried Okra with a large ice-free cup of Sinus Soda. Sinus Soda is produced right here in the backwoods of Northern Michigan and is a winter favorite amongst area shoppers. Sinus Soda is a seasonal drink so if you want the fresh stuff you had better purchase it from mid-fall until early spring.

Now I stop into my favorite restaurant at least once a week however, something happened last night that really got my attention. You see I had just bellied up to the bar and was ready to order dinner when I notice a man sitting a couple of seats down from who was wearing a really odd looking suit. Now the suit was something I remember seeing my old man wear in his high school yearbook. I believe it was called a leisure suit and was popular with the disco crowd back in the 1970’s. The suit was a light blue color with a wide pocket on both the right and left side and a very wide lapel and collar. Now this suit was odd enough but I also notice that the man looked like someone I had seen much earlier that day. In fact he looked just like the guy I saw in the bathroom mirror that morning when I was spitting out toothpaste into the sink. In other words, the guy looked just like me.

“Hey guy,” I said. “You look just like me.”

The man looked over at me and replied, “That’s because I am you, you Bozo”.

Suddenly, I realized that this guy was me and that I must have used my 1974 Matador time travel machine to travel back to the 1970’s where, I must have changed into that freaky disco leisure suit. Maybe I was trying to blend in to pick up chicks in the distant past. Maybe girls were nicer to guys like me back then. I then began to realize that since I did not remember ever time traveling back to the 1970’s in the past then I must be going to travel back to the 1970’s sometime in the future. Now, I was becoming a little concerned as to why this future self was here? Was he here in this restaurant to warn me about something? Maybe he was here to try to stop me from eating something. Maybe something I was about to consume was going to give me indigestion, a heart attack or, maybe a brain tumor.

“So are you here to warn me about something?” I asked. “You must be my future self because if you were my present self I’d remember who you were.”

“Heck No,” replied the good looking guy in the leisure suit. “I’m really here from another universe to find out the secret behind the best burgers in the entire multi-verse. You know I recently snuck out into the kitchen and found out what the secret ingredient to these delicious burgers is chipmunk lips. It seems that road-killed chipmunks are harvested throughout all of Michigan and their lips are mixed up with the guts of many different creatures but it is the lips that give the meat a nutty flavor.”

“So if you’re not from the future then did you travel from a parallel universe in a 1974 Matador?” I asked.

“No of course not,” replied the other me. “A 1974 AMC Matador is for time travel only. In order to travel between universes you have to have a 1973 red and white Volkswagen Camper Van with a pop top. No other vehicle in anywhere in the multi-verse can take you from one universe to the next.”

“I thought those old Volkswagen Campers were what hippies used to drive around,” I remarked.

“Of course hippies drove around those vehicles. The hippies in your world actually came from another universe. You see there is a universe filled with communal horticulturalists. These horticulturalists go from universe to universe spreading their philosophy of free love along with planting some of their favorite plants everywhere they go. Do you have a historical character called Johnny Apple Seed in your world?” asked my multi-verse twin.

“Yes we do,” I replied. “He went around planting apple tree seeds all over America. Today you can find apple trees all over the country.”

“Well, the hippies do something similar only on a universe to universe type of scale,” my twin self explained. Then my twin self said goodbye and left the restaurant leaving me to wonder if I’d ever see myself again.

Thursday, April 5, 2012


By Tim Colin
I have just returned in my time traveling 1974 AMC Matador from the year 2012. Boy is things a real mess up there. Riots, revolts and shortages of every kind are pervasive. There are three wars going on in the mid-west over cheese curl distribution rights. There is a civil war in Northern Michigan over whether having a toad urinate on you will give you warts. A lot of people in Northern Michigan keep toads as pets so the toad urine causing warts debate has become a liability dispute. This dispute has completely tied up all the court not only in Michigan but, it has gone all the way to the Supreme Court of the United States.

The above disputes are just some of the problems that have torn many nations apart and have brought civilization to its knees. Obviously there is little hope in the year 2012. World governments are all falling apart and no one will take any form of currency except for the newly introduced international currency known as the "Doom Dollar".

The "Doom Dollar" is a 1 oz. Metallic like coin that is sort of gold colored. The coin has no actual gold or any metal in it but is instead made up of a combination of compressed cardboard and used baby diapers hence; there is an organic component to the coin. In the "New World Order of 2012" there are only two types of people: those who have doom dollars and those who desperately want doom dollars. In the year 2012 anyone would do anything for a doom dollar. I was able to bring one back with me but I will not tell you what I had to sell to get it. The stitches should come out in a few weeks. I just hope that the people that bought what I was selling were right when they told me that I had two of them and could get by with just one.

I will be assembling a team of the best minds I can find to figure out a way to purchase "Doom Dollars" in the future and then bring them back to this time and sell them. My mind for marketing tells me that the price I will get for the doom dollar is $19.99. This would be in line with what non-government minted coins are selling for. Of course the government that will mint the "Doom Dollar" exists in the future and does not exist now or, does it? Maybe it is forming inside a hollowed out mountain somewhere.

Perhaps it is Mt. Double Bubble; the tallest mountain in Michigan. Further investigation is obviously required. Of course if I become rich by bringing back doom dollars from 2012 and selling them today then, the only thing I'll be investigating will be climate change in the Caribbean.

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