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Thursday, March 22, 2012

U.S. PAYS WAR REPARATIONS TO MOON MEN


By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Well our nation has finally capitulated to the demands for war reparations from the occupants who live beneath the lunar surface.  The twin spacecraft that entered lunar orbit last New Years Eve are not there to survey what lies beneath the moon but instead are there with valuable cargo which must be delivered to the moon creatures in order to keep them from destroying our planet.

As has been reported in the news media the United States lost the initial war with the moon creatures.  Then President Obama ordered a nuclear strike at the lunar poles in order to measure the amount of water that flew up into the atmosphere.  In fact finding water at the poles was just a cover story for what was a thermal nuclear attack which failed miserably.  It seems the moon men have perfected the art of constructing force fields that can withstand anything theta our great military can throw at it.  It seems the scientists on the moon grew  up watching star trek and remembered the secret to constructing force fields that was reviled in episode six in during the forth season of the show.

Ironically, the fourth season was never shown here on earth because the show was cancelled in the third season however, the fourth season was beamed into outer space by project Betty using microwave technology.     Project Betty was the precursor program to Project Setti,  Project Betty tried to send messages regarding how powerful but enlightened the people of this planet are.  Project Setti has since that time been waiting for someone to send a signal back to us.  Of course there is great debate amongst scientists as to whether or not we should have used the Star Trek TV show to show beings on other worlds how we earth people behave and how advanced our spaceships are both in terms of speed and military capabilities.    Some scientists believe that pretending that our civilization is as advanced as the one on Star Trek is just about like lying to the whole universe.  These naysayer think that if aliens ever do stop by the earth they might think that we are nothing but a race of lying, deceitful creatures and the space aliens might just disintegrate our whole planet just for wasting their time.

There are other scientists who believe that pretending we are more advanced than we are to the galactic community is a good thing.  They point out that there are most likely a lot of hooligan species out there roaming around the galaxy looking to plunder worlds with unsophisticated technologies.  There maybe whole planets full of pirates out there just beboping around looking for trouble.   The problem with any type of advanced techno bullies is that we really have no defenses against beings with the ability to travel across solar systems let along galaxies and maybe across the whole universe.  While we try to master the finer points of the “Rock, Paper Scissors “ game our alien friends are playing games like “Projected Plasma Disintegrator, Encrypted Tachyons, Singularity Grenade.”.  

Saturday, March 10, 2012

MY JOURNEY TO THE MULTI-VERSE

MY JOURNEY TO THE MULTI-VERSE
 By Tim Colin
I just got back from the multi-verse and had a pretty good time. Normally I like to time travel because then I can usually find ways to make money. It’s easy to jump forward into the future and see how things are going to turn out and then jump back to the present and bet on the future. It is a fact that all rich people have time travel machines and that’s what distinguishes them from the poor slobs that think that brains and hard work are going to get them ahead. The only things that can make a person rich is either they have a time machine and can know what to do now so they can become rich in the future or they inherited their money from an ancestor who had a time machine and used it to get rich.

 Being smart and inventing something is not going to make you rich. For thousands of years people had batteries and light bulbs but it was not until Edison time traveled into the future that he found out that light bulbs would be needed in order for people to work on third shifts at factories building guns and tanks for World War I. Everyone thinks that Edison invented the light because he saw into the future. In fact, Edison invented the light bulb because he knew what was going to happen in the future. Some even speculate that he was the guy that shot the Kaiser fellow just to start the Great War in order to sell light bulbs. Anyway, in order to time travel you must have a 1974 AMC Matador.

 For some reason this particular vehicle, although it was not considered a very reliable method of linear transportation, is the only vehicle in the universe which will allow it’s inhabitants to travel both forward and backward in time. I happen to have such a vehicle in my possession however, last week it’s dimensional stabilizers (rear wheels) developed a severe loss of pressure so I had to take the Matador to my local Ford dealer for repair. They said they had to order a set of four tires for the Matador (dealers won’t ever let you get away with just replacing the leaky tires) and since the tire size was odd they said it would take at least six weeks before they could let me take it back out on the road. Of course I am the type of guy who just can’t stand still. Especially, since there is so much money to be made for people like myself who are constantly on the go. Staying in one place, working, scrimping and, saving is not the kind of life I ever want to live. That’s why while my time travel machine was in the shop I decided to go for a stroll in my multi-verse machine. 

Now the multi-verse is what intelligent people like myself know to be actual reality. Most humans think that what is around them is the universe and that there is nothing more. Now there are those that think that besides what they have around them there is a place some call Heaven, Hades or , Hawaii when in fact none of these paradises exist. In the olden days many people thought that nirvana was on top of a mountain. Then, when people had climbed all the mountains these same people said that heaven was up on the clouds. Then of course, when planes were invented and no one on a plane ever found any place up there in the clouds then, heaven had to be up there in outer space. Of course now we’ve been up there in outer space and I guarantee there is not even remotely a good place to stay for long let alone stay there for an eternity. Now, getting back to multi-universe travel I have to say that the only vehicle that will take you outside of our universe is a red and white 1973 Volkswagen pop-top camper. Of course I just so happen to have such a vehicle parked in my brother’s girlfriends garage. I ended up with the VW camper because the owner was taken off to another universe to serve a few years in prison. It seems his crimes in that universe involved a young princess and her father the king of Florida.

 In that universe the South won the Civil War so every state ended up having their own king. Anyway, my friend got mixed up with some sort of royal love triangle; it’s really complicated, and so he won’t be around here for a long time. My friend was concerned about his VW so he asked me to take care of it for him and since I have no place to park it I parked it over to my brother Mike’s girlfriend’s house. She has like a twenty car garage and it was a couple of cars short of being full so Mike and I figured that she wouldn‘t care especially since she is spending a couple of months in the south of France. When I arrived at Mike’s girlfriend’s house I woke Mike up and had him take me out to the garage and unlock the door. Once we were inside I saw my VW right away. It really stuck out in a garage with automobiles that cost more to maintain than NASA and probably had more technology in them.

 My brother was so lucky to have such a rich girlfriend. He claims that she is some sort of very powerful 400 year old vampire and she just takes whatever she wants and no one can stop her because she has all kinds of powers to bend minds. Now I have only seen her once and she is a real knock-out but she is probably not over 23 or 24 years old. Of course I don’t believe in vampires and imagine that she is just some spoiled billionaire politicians kid and my brother is just her houseboy. He just keeps the place up while she’s away but hey, he gets to live in a 42 room mansion and gets to play with all her toys while she’s away and she’s away on vacation most of the time. I found the keys to the VW on the floor. I had figured that with all the priceless rides there were in the garage if someone broke in the VW camper would not be their first choice of a vehicle to steal.

 There were three different Jags in there and any one of them was worth more than my weight in gold. Especially, since they were all trimmed out in platinum. Evidently, Mike’s lady had the money to have all of her cars custom made just for her. “So Mike, do you want to take a spin with me in this multi-verse machine?” I asked. “ I intend on opening it up to see what it’s got and where it takes me.”

 “No not today,” Mike answered. “I promised that Gerrard and I would go help out Madam Misty Merkel. Seems she needs some help with some sort of Gorgon problem in the doublewide trailer park down the road from her. I’m not at all sure what a Gorgon looks like but I guess I’ll know one when I see one.

 “Make sure you give her a good stare down Mike. Gorgons are afraid of you if you stare right at them. If you stare at them long enough you will never see them again, ” I advised.

 “Thanks Tim,” Mike replied, “I’ll stare right at her and never take my eyes off her even if it takes until I turn stone cold.” “Yeah, you’re the smart one in out family,” I said with a smirk. Gorgons of course turn men into stone if they look at them for just a few seconds. I was kind of thinking that with Mike out of the way maybe his girlfriend might need a friendly shoulder to cry on. Maybe I might end up taking care of the mansion with all it’s fancy toys. A fellow can always dream. After all, why should a little toad-like idiot like my brother end up so rich? Life really isn’t fair but, it’s like they say “it’s better to be born lucky than smart”. I just hope that with this gorgon my brother’s luck might just run out and my smarts will lead his beautiful rich girlfriend to me.

 With my brother’s doom looming large I was finally able to start up my nulti-verse machine. I really had to give it the gas to get it started by finally it fired up and out the garage door I went with the vehicle in first gear. Finally, I got the camper up to second gear and just as I was ready to pull out of the driveway I shifted it into third gear and all kinds of electrical fields started flashing all around me. Then, when I shifted it down into first gear the Volkswagen stalled out and I found myself in another universe. I knew it was another universe because every single vehicle on the road was a hybrid gas/electric car. Everyone was then staring at me.

 I know that my VW had great gas mileage in it’s time but in this universe people looked at it like it was some sort of sports car. I felt like I had just won the Indy 500. In fact, may people pulled their hybrids off to the shoulder of the road and came over to my vehicle just to touch it. “What kind of battery does this car run on?” one of the people asked.

 “This car only has a battery for starting it and like lights and lighting your cigarettes,” I said. “It does run on a battery per say. It runs just on gasoline.”

 The crowd gasped. “You must be from another universe“ one of them said. “We don’t have the technology to run a car just on gasoline. Your culture is clearly superior to ours.”

 “Yeah, yeah,“ I said. “Since this is some sort of parallel universe I’m looking to see if maybe I might meet the me that exists here. My name is Tim Colin. Does anyone know where I might be living here>“ “Yeah, I know“ a pedestrian who was walking by answered. “That back hole lives just down this street about a block. Nobody likes him, that is you in this universe. Maybe you could take him, you back to your world. He or you might be better liked there.”

 “Well, I don’t think he’d be appreciated there either,” I said, “But, thanks for the inform and I’ve got to go and catch up with me.” I then went down the street to the location that I was told I could find myself. It was a seven story tall building that was only about ten by ten feet. It seems that in this other universe people lived at the top of really tall homes. I went up to the building and knocked but, no one answered so I tried the door handle and it was not locked so I helped myself to a gander inside. It was strange because except for the top floor the entire interior of the building was just a stairway that ran along the outside walls all the way up to the seventh floor. After traversing up what seemed to be an endless flight of stairways I finally made it to the seventh floor and knocked on the door. Inside I head a very meek voice reply to my knock by saying “Come inside my fine fellow.“ I walked into the room and saw an image of my favorite person, namely an exact copy of me.

 “Hi I’m Tim Colin and I’m your double from another universe. “ As soon as I stopped talking the other Tim rushed over to me and gave me a big bear hug. Apparently, it was the custom in that universe to bear hug people you meet just like giving a handshake is in my universe.

 As Tim Two released me from the bear hug I suddenly remembered that if I had been a time traveler and we bear hugged than our entire universe and everyone in it would have been destroyed. Now thinking about the universe being destroyed if someone from one time period touches another person in some other time period got me to thinking.

 “Say Tim, I said, “wouldn’t it be neat if you and I could get together with a future Tim in your universe. I bet both you and I could learn a lot about future technology and stuff and maybe we could each make a fortune in our respective universes off the stuff we find out about the future in your universe. “

 “That would be great,” Tim Two said. “The only thing is how do we contact the future Tim?” “No problem.“ I said, “because if your universe is anything like mine then the only thing you need to contact someone from the future is any kind of old electronic device that was made in Japan.”

 “Well, as a matter of fact I do have my grandma’s old radio and it was made in the 1960’s when almost all electronics came from Japan. I’ll get it for you.” It wasn’t long after Tim Two retrieved his grandma’s radio that I had it opened up and I poured a soda pop directly on the transistors. Soon I was in contact with the future and eventually I contacted myself. Now this new Tim from the future agreed to meet me in front of Tim Two’s house. After future Tim and I disconnected I started for the door.  

“Let’s go meet your future self.” I suggested to Tim 2. “No you go ahead,” Tim Two replied. “I need to straighten up the place a little bit so that future Tim doesn’t think that I’m a slob“

 “Whatever,” I said as I went out the door and glided down the stairs, in a hurry to meet someone who might just give me some technology information that might make me very rich. As soon as I stepped outside the house that my Tim 2 lived in an AMC Matador appeared before me and out of it stepped Tim 2 from I assumed the future. “I got your message”

He said. "You asked me to come to this time period I guess you really are me from another universe.” Tim 2 then gave me a big bear hug which was the custom of his universe. So what technological miracles did you bring in your 1974 AMC Matador timer travel machine” I asked. “Well, actually in my universe the AMC Matador won’t be produced until 2073. You see in that part of this century the ozone layer will be far too thick in this world so cars that have bad gas mileage and give off a lot of carbons will be built to try to destroy some of the excess ozone.” “Well, that makes sence I said but still, where are all the nifty inventions from the future:?” “You know I think I want to meet myself in the past first,” Tim 2 from the future responded.

 “I think I’ll just run up the stairs inside my house and give myself a great big bear hug as a greeting. Then I’ll tell him all the things he is going to do wrong over the next few years so he can change things and make a better future life for the both of us.” Then Tim 2 from the future bounded into the his home and started up the stairs. I suddenly realized that if Tim 2 from the current time touched Tim 2 from the future then the universe I was in would disappear from creation as if it had never existed at all. Of course the lives of all the trillions of beings past, present and future would never exist at all in this universe.

 Of course I had to make an instant choice as to whether or not I should pursue Tim 2 from the future up the stairs and try to prevent the two from touching each other or if I should run about a block down the road to my Volkswagen Pop-Top Camper and escape the destruction of this other universe and all the trillions of lives within it. Once I jumped into my camper I knew I had only seconds before Tim 2 would touch himself. The vehicle started reliably which was common for German built cars. I took off in 1st gear and shortly I was able to shift the long stick into second. Then came the tricky part, shifting the vehicle into 3rd gear. For this particular vehicle the shift from 2nd to third gear was particularly rough. In fact, about fifty percent of the time the Stick wood break off in your hand and then you were permanently stuck in second gear which for me, would not get me home to my own universe.

 Well, the universe started to fade away all around me so I just knew that the Tim in that universe must have touched himself and thus violated the 12th law of thermodynamics which is to “never touch yourself when you are time traveling“. Meanwhile, I was trying and trying to shift into third gear but all I gut was resistance as the gears ground and ground together. Just then I was about to say a prayer to someone I don’t really believe in an suddenly the long stick that went all the way to the floor shifted into third gear and I was back in my world universe and was feeling glad that I had been where no man ever existed or will ever exist.


Multiverse Epilogue
Today I received a visit from the Multi-Verse Police.  It seems they are investigating the strange disappearance of an entire universe and the over 800 trillion sentient beings that lived there.  They said I was the last one to visit that “verse” and I was the only one to escape it’s destruction.  They wondered if maybe I might have encouraged someone from one time to visit themselves in another them. It seems that if a person from one time period touches themselves in another time period then that entire universe will cease to exist.

I told them I didn’t remember it happening quite that way but, that I was long gone obviously before that universe collapsed.  “If I were a part of breaking some sort of time travel rule then I would have been destroyed along with the rest of that verse.  Besides, the vehicle I was driving was a 1973 VW Pop-Top camper and everyone knows that you need a 1973 AMC Matador Sports Coup in order to travel in time.  Well, that was enough to send the Multi-verse Police on their way.

Before the Multi-Verse Police were gone one of them said to me “you know we’re going to reassemble the verse that disappeared.  I think that once that happens we’ll find out exactly what happened from witnesses.  Then, we’ll know who exactly is the blame.”



Thursday, March 1, 2012

THE MATADOR FROM OUTER SPACE

By Ted Colin
A 1973 AMC Matador sports vehicle recently turned up in Midland Michigan. What got my attention to this news is that the owner said it was delivered by space aliens in pristine condition and that anything made by the late car maker AMC is even in existence anywhere especially, a Matador. The Matador is a mysterious car because there were millions of them sold and they only ran on one speed (down hill). One bragging point for the Matador was that they never stalled out. Of course no one actually ever got one started but, they made a nice conversation piece for a lawn ornament. Neighbors would often call them an eyesore; wild animals would often call them home.

On my way to Midland to investigate the space/time anomaly, I decided to take a quick detour to visit one of the first scientists to observe peculiarities in the structure of the vehicle known as the Matador. The name of the scientist is Dr. Harry Weirman and he is currently a resident/client in the nation’s number one correctional facility for the psychopathic and homicidal maniacs who are incurably insane. The name of this facility is Grand Rapids Michigan.

When you enter the Grand Rapids facility you might think the complex is some sort of modern city with buildings and highways running through it. This is really just an illusion of being in a normal urban environment. It keeps the patients calm. Of course the sane person upon entering the facility immediately notices that the highways have only off ramps. There are no on ramps so no one can ever escape. I thought to myself that Rod Serling must have designed this place because it definitely reminded me of some lost episode of “The Twilight Zone”.

When I had asked for permission from the Supreme Court of the United States to visit the Grand Rapids facility they instructed me to make sure I visited Meijer Gardens because it is an excellent place to visit and besides, Dr. Weirman worked there with the flora. When I arrived at Meijer Gardens I was struck by the absolute beauty of the place. When I got out of my car to go meet Dr. Weirman I noticed that many of the inmates were wearing wooden shoes. At first I thought that they wore wooden shoes because the facility was first started by the Dutch. Later on I was told that the wooden shoes were akin to a rubber room. Evidently, some of the inmates liked to try to inflict pain upon them by stubbing their toes.

Normally, when I leave my vehicle I do not lock the doors. I already hocked anything of value in it for food and the outside was almost completely covered with rust so no one would steal it to sell. I was a little afraid that one of the inmates might decide to try to escape or go for a joy ride with my vehicle and then I would have to sell my left kidney to get home (I sold my right kidney last year for a trip to Disney World”. I hope to soon get a new kidney from China to replace my old one I sold. The last one I bought on line from China turned out to be a kidney from a tuna fish. In addition, when I unpacked the liver after delivery, it stunk something terrible. Evidently the tuna liver spoiled since it was packed in water and not in oil.

After locking my vehicle (unfortunately I locked the keys inside), I was greeted by several inmates who were dressed up as policemen. They told me that my vehicle looked dangerous and it should be off the road. I replied that it could not be too dangerous because it had a top speed with the wind at its back and going downhill of just 45 mph.

The police (inmate) then asked me if I intended on staying around long and I replied that I was there by order of the Supreme Court of the United States to interview Dr. Weirman. One of the inmates escorted me to the place where Dr. Weirman was supposed to be working but, he was a no show that day. It seems Dr. Weirman decided the night before to cure his constipation by eating a raw chicken. Unfortunately his prescription for a good bowl movement worked way to well and he ended up in the hospital facilities almost dead from severe dehydration and massive internal organ displacement.

While I was waiting for someone to get me a wire clothes hanger so I could unlock my car door and get to my keys, I received a text message from Dr. Weirman in which he expressed his regret on not being able to meet me. He also said that the 1973 Matador was ugly and poorly made however; it was the perfect vehicle for time travel especially if there were an Egyptian pyramid nearby or some giant tower which was filled with treated water from Lake Huron. This was a eureka moment for me because I knew that the city of Midland must have water towers and I surmised that the water that was drank there came from Lake Huron. The only thing I did not know for sure was whether or not the water in Midland was treated. For purposes of keeping this adventure under budget (I don’t have much money for gas) we will just say that Midland does treat their water and hence this 1973 Matador I was going to see does have the ability to travel in time.

In respect to time and travel, I was beginning to feel like it was taking an awful long time to get to Midland from Grand Rapids. I pulled off at a McDonalds and looked my map.
It seems like I had mixed up the cities of Grand Rapids and Big Rapids. That meant I would be traveling an additional 200 miles that day.

Finally, I arrived in Midland Michigan and at the home of Ben Braggin, the owner of the Matador. The Matador was sitting in the front yard of his house. It had a white top and the rest of the body was painted blue with a white race stripe down each side. When I got out of the car Ben Braggin was right there to meet me.

“Hi I’m Ben Braggin,” he said. “You must be Ted Colin. You re the person that attended my online video conference about my Matador that was returned to me from outer space. I should not have had it during the dinner hours then; maybe someone else would have attended.”

“Well I’m certainly glad I attended,” I responded. “Furthermore, after checking with a scientific expert in the field of space/time continuum anomalies, I now have a conclusive saved text message on my phone that proves that the 1973 Matador is capable of time travel.” In fact it was used as the basis for all those movies in the 1980’s about a time traveling Delorean.

Ben Braggin told me that he had been all across the universe and visited every single place at every single moment of time. When I saw his 1993 Matador I could see it had a lot of wear and tear build into it. The doors were all rusted shut so I never did get inside to drive her to a galaxy far, far and away

Soon I was on my way home so I stopped in Clare Michigan to see if at least I could end this investigation with a good bar fight. Well the young Irish girl that picked a fight with me kicked me so hard in certain places that I won’t ever have to worry about having children.

Addendum: It turns out that the 1973 Matador is now missing again. This might have something to do with the current prices of scrap metal.

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