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Friday, February 24, 2012


I hate being here on Earth again.  It is such a stinky planet and we rats are not use to such disgusting smells on my home world.  And, what I really hate is that everywhere you step you get human excrement all over your feet.  It seems that all humans do is mate, eat and drop massive amounts of excrement all over the planet.   I don’t understand why humans can’t learn how to use a toilet or at least bury their defecation's like all other creatures in the multi-verse.  In short, humans are the stupidest, dirtiest, stickiest creatures I have ever encountered anywhere and what’s more, humans leave behind them such massive piles of excrement that even the giant lizards of the Jurassic times could never dream of leaving such squishy piles behind themselves.

I am now requesting in this report that Central Command send some anti-bacterial cream that I can use on my feet to get rid of the nasty fungus that I have developed because of having to walk through so much human excrement.  For if Central Command wants me to stay here on Earth and aid in the liberation of our brethren rats from the dominate species called humans then, I really need to stop the all night itching on my feet that is caused by my having to walk through human excrement all day.  Their bacteria laden feces has made this the most horrible interplanetary assignment I have ever had over the last thousand years that I have been in government service.

There is of course one creature here on earth that could be a real recreational boon back on the home world.  That creature is the elephant.  Just the other day I observed some of our distant cousins on earth called "mice" running up into an elephant's trunk and that made the elephant creature fling his trunk wildly around through the air.  Well, when he was done thrashing about the little mice ran out of his truck laughing hysterically evidently, because of the wild ride they had just taken.  So, I myself ran up into the elephant's trunk and sure enough the ride was fantastic.  After I ran out of the trunk I decided then and there that I had to get one for the kids back home.  They will be surprised at the great ride dear old dad is sending them though the worm hole.  I just hope that my rat brethren can be soon liberated from the forces of evil, namely humans then, I'll be able to return home and be with my family once again.


Thursday, February 2, 2012


In Bay City Michigan there is a tavern called the Break Wind Marina Bar and Grill. This is the place where old timers meet who have various stages of kidney and liver disease. One of these jaundiced old men tells a tale that caused us to open up an investigation into a government cover-up. This is a tale of scientific fact told like fiction. It is a tale of space/time travel not in days or weeks but, in a wink of an eye. A tale of super science not from the 21st century but, from 1944. A tale of how America, on the cusp of defeat, was able to change it’s destiny through a desperate attempt to overcome the laws of God and nature.

My brother Ted and I had traveled to Bay City from our base in Northern Michigan. I would have brought along my brother Mike but, he was still in the hospital after picking and eating some mushrooms he found in the woods. We were there to get the story of the USS Kalamazoo from the last survivor from that ship. We had found on an Internet site that the Kalamazoo was rigged up like the USS Philadelphia, with all kinds of technology for some type of space/time experiment during World War II. The Philadelphia, which was launched in the Atlantic ocean, was apparently unsuccessful at achieving it’s goals however, the USS Kalamazoo, which was launched from Saginaw Bay just off of Lake Huron well, it has been suggested that the later ship was successful in it’s mission and in fact, brought an end to World War II.

The old timer we interviewed was named Bones Spockorsky. Spockorsky was a sailor on board the USS Kalamazoo which, was Built in the old shipyard in Bay City Michigan for use as a warship during World War II. There are no official records indicating that this ship ever existed. Spockorsky has a long criminal record in the field of petty crimes. It seems he will do almost anything for money to buy a few sips of whisky. He agreed to meet with us for $12.00. He wanted $15.00 but, I used my charm to get him to go lower. I just remembered William Shatner at Priceline when I was negotiating for the exclusive rights to this story.

The gray bearded, poorly dressed old man told us the following tale:

“The Philadelphia was the first of the time travel experiments tried out by the navy. It ended badly for the crew but, they did travel in space and time. A few years later, when Hitler was getting ready to invade the U.S. the navy sent a group of us seamen back in time to stop the A-bomb from being used by the Nazis in Europe. You see, in the other time line the Germans won the war.

So we went back in time and ended up just off the coast of Normandy. We were looking for a German ship called Poor Judgement. No wait, Poor Judgement was the pony I bet on last week that lost. No wait, poor judgement was what I had when I married my first wife. No wait, the name of the Nazi boat was Judgement Day. Well anyway, we found the ship, sunk it and the time lines became what they are right now.”

The mans story sounded fantastic but, he evidently had no proof to back up his claims. However, based upon my own knowledge of space/time manipulation and travel, I’d say his mind certainly grasped the rudimentary parts of time travel. I’d like to be a time traveler myself one day so, I’ll have to give this story a thumbs up. It is clearly evident that Mr. Bones Spockorsky was telling the truth.

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