Search This Blog

Monday, December 26, 2011

THE 2012 DOOM DOLLAR

By Tim Colin
Editor
I have just returned in my time traveling 1974 AMC Matador from the year 2012. Boy is things a real mess up there. Riots, revolts and shortages of every kind are pervasive. There are three wars going on in the mid-west over cheese curl distribution rights. There is a civil war in Northern Michigan over whether having a toad urinate on you will give you warts. A lot of people in Northern Michigan keep toads as pets so the toad urine causing warts debate has become a liability dispute. This dispute has completely tied up all the court not only in Michigan but, it has gone all the way to the Supreme Court of the United States.

The above disputes are just some of the problems that have torn many nations apart and have brought civilization to its knees. Obviously there is little hope in the year 2012. World governments are all falling apart and no one will take any form of currency except for the newly introduced international currency known as the "Doom Dollar".

The "Doom Dollar" is a 1 oz. Metallic like coin that is sort of gold colored. The coin has no actual gold or any metal in it but is instead made up of a combination of compressed cardboard and used baby diapers hence; there is an organic component to the coin. In the "New World Order of 2012" there are only two types of people: those who have doom dollars and those who desperately want doom dollars. In the year 2012 anyone would do anything for a doom dollar. I was able to bring one back with me but I will not tell you what I had to sell to get it. The stitches should come out in a few weeks. I just hope that the people that bought what I was selling were right when they told me that I had two of them and could get by with just one.

I will be assembling a team of the best minds I can find to figure out a way to purchase "Doom Dollars" in the future and then bring them back to this time and sell them. My mind for marketing tells me that the price I will get for the doom dollar is $19.99. This would be in line with what non-government minted coins are selling for. Of course the government that will mint the "Doom Dollar" exists in the future and does not exist now or, does it? Maybe it is forming inside a hollowed out mountain somewhere.

Perhaps it is Mt. Double Bubble; the tallest mountain in Michigan. Further investigation is obviously required. Of course if I become rich by bringing back doom dollars from 2012 and selling them today then, the only thing I'll be investigating will be climate change in the Caribbean.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

THE PETOSKEY STONE: FOSSILIZED REMAINS OF A GIANT ALIEN BRAIN

What do we really know about the Petoskey Stone? We know it is only found in a very specific region on the planet Earth. That region is Northern Lake Michigan extending up to Lake Superior. Several sites on the Internet explain that the petoskey stone is a fossilized coral from the Devonian Era which would make the stone approximately 350 million years old. We have found someone with a very different opinion.

In an old gravel pit about ten miles west of Traverse City, there is a Petoskey stone dig site managed by Professor I. M. Alyar. Professor Alyar teaches Paleontology, Astrophysics, Alien Psychology and, Human Proctology at the Bare Truth Online Institute of Education and Adult Photo Journalism.

We caught up with Professor Alyar at the dig site to ask him about the theory he was advocating regarding the origin of the Petoskey Stone. The Professor had previously contacted us and said he would pay us $50.00 to publish a story about his “Origin of the Petoskey Stone” theory. After some intense negotiations, the Professor also agreed to pay for our gas. The following is an outline of the theory as he explains it:

“The Petoskey Stone came to my attention as I noticed that people were making a lot of money picking up these stones and selling them on EBay and to tourists. I remembered that my uncle I. Ben Alyar owned this old gravel pit where I picked up petoskey stones as an undergraduate student. It then occurred to me that I could get a government grant that would pay me a salary to do research on the petoskey stone for a couple of years. So last year I began digging up petoskey stones for research and the extra stones I sell for money (cash only, no receipt if you want any).

Well, last week I received a letter from the government wanting to know why I haven’t published any papers on my findings. The letter went on to say that if I were fraudulently obtaining grant money that I could be prosecuted if I did not return the money with interest. I like most people in Michigan have a penchant for Black Jack so; I have no money to give back and no published paper.

Then, suddenly it hit me. As I was in the bar located out on the highway, I suddenly realized that the petoskey stone seemed to look a lot like a piece of gray brain matter. But, not just any gray matter. Animal gray matter does not have those eyes. Then, I realized that those were not eyes but, they were individual cells. These were cells to the brain of some incredible creature. Brain cells of incredible size that must have belonged to a massive brain. This brain had died 350 million years ago and had been fossilized over time. It all made sense. Over eons of years, glaciers broke up the fossil and scattered brain cells all across Northern Michigan.

But, I asked myself, where does this giant brain come from? There is no evidence in the fossil records to indicate this creature ever existed. Finally, I concluded that this creature was not of this world. It was in fact a creature from outer space that most likely died upon impact with our planet over 350 million years ago.

The fact that the creature had or was a giant brain means it must have been physic. This makes sense because many physics use this stone for healing or to go into trances to see the future. I should charge more money for the stones I sell. Perhaps a medical research facility will be built in my name to study the medical uses of the Petoskey Stone.”

Because the Professor kept rambling on, I shut off my recorder. We of course believe everything he postulated. True to our word, we are publishing his theories now. A couple of days ago the Professor was arrested. This is too bad because we were thinking of making him our official scientific advisor. Yesterday I received a call from the Professor asking if I would use the $50.00 he gave me to help bail him out of jail. I told him that unfortunately, I was a problem gambler and lost the money playing Foosball.

My Blog List