LORD OF THE UNDERWEAR FLIES

The Department of Homeland Security now imposes a mandatory intense search of everyone’s groin area before they are allowed upon an airplane. Unfortunately, most passengers do not enjoy such intrusive and embarrassing touching. Many passengers feel that Homeland Security personnel and management need to learn the difference between good touching and bad touching. I believe there is a film series put out for K-6 students that might be used as part of the training for our Homeland professionals.

Because of the complaints about the current “we’ll touch you but don’t tell” Homeland Security policy I decided if there were any businesses that could come up with an alternative way to detect underwear bombs. I began my search by Yahooing the internet for underwear security firms. I almost immediately came up with a company that had a very advanced prototype of underwear bomb detecting service. According to this companies web page it seems that NASA had hired this particular company to develop a method for detecting space aliens at NASA research stations in Antarctica. It seems that Danish scientists are routinely blasting out of the ice a type of space alien that can change into any living form, including humans. It seems that the one way to tell who is human and who one of those things is is to check out the smell of an individual’s underwear. Humans have stinky underwear but a thing has sweet salad flavored underwear. The flavorful smell can best be described as that of very high quality cannabis. So pretty much anyone who has underwear smelling like cannabis is an evil alien space invader.

The company that developed this new method of finding changeling space invaders is called Hempunder. The method is very simple. It seems that flies are attracted to dirty underwear. When someone walks around with dirty underwear on it is like ringing a loud dinner bell for most species of flies. Well Hempunder developed a mutated form of fly that can smell hemp. If your underwear has ever had any hemp in it these flies will swarm your crotch like it was a discount retailer on Black Friday (biggest shopping day of the year).

Not only can Hempunder detect space aliens through it’s crotch sniffing flies but, these same flies can be trained to find any bombs let loose in underwear both in the back and the front. So, it seems there is an alternative to allowing to such intrusive invasions of privates…