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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

TIME TRAVEL FOR FUN AND PROFIT

I recently received a strange note. The note said that I was to meet myself at the Dung Beetle Inn. The note went on to say that the person I was meeting was from the near future and that I (the future guy) had a very important message that could make me (us) a lot of money.

I of course was very intrigued about making a lot of money. Money is hard to come by unless you have a good job. I used to have a good job picking up change in front of drive-up windows early in the morning. The problem is I couldn’t get up that early so I had to quit. I did train one of my cousins to take over the business so I still got half the change but, when the kid turned ten he figured he‘d just keep all the change for himself. I had him sign a franchise agreement and I expect him to show up in court.

Before I went to see myself I looked up on the internet to find out what would happen if I touched my future self in the bar. I remember from watching a lot of sci-fi shows that something bad happens if a person from one time touches himself from another time. It seems that if I accidentally touched my future self in the bar I would destroy the entire universe and every being that has ever or will ever be born anywhere in the universe would simply cease to exist. It seems that the same matter cannot exist at the same place in the same time. The possibility that I might touch my future self, killing every life force in the totality of time and space might seem like a good reason to not go to the bar and have a meeting with my future self. However, the possibility of making some money greatly outweighed my concerns for everyone else. I was sure my future self must have come to the same conclusion.

When I walked into the bar I immediately recognized myself. I was a little ticked off because my future self was wearing one of my best shirts and there was a large ketchup stain on the front of it. It seems I will become a slob in the future. My future self must have forgot the physics lessons I learned while watching sci-fi shows because upon seeing me my future self stood up and extended his hand like he was going to shake mine. “We can’t touch each other,” I admonished my future self. “If we shake hands and touch each other the entire universe will cease to exist.”

“Oh that’s right,” my future self replied. “I am just so excited about this money making opportunity I have to share with you that I forgot what we learned about sci-fi physics. You’re looking well by the way.”

“You look like you’ve put on a few pounds while ruining my favorite shirt,” I responded.

“Don’t worry,” my future self began, “I will make us a lot of money in the near future. We will soon be the richest men or I mean man, on earth. For we are poised on the precipice to become the worlds first trillionaire.”

“Just how is that going to happen?” I asked. I was thinking that maybe we would threaten to shake hands and blackmail all the sentient beings in the universe into making us the emperor of the universe. I would not mind being emperor of the universe. I’ve got a lot of people I want to get even with; starting with that cousin of mine that won’t give me my share of the money he picks up at the drive-in windows.

“I know what you’re thinking because I thought it too when I was you,” my future self said while interrupting a very pleasant daydream I was having. “No we are not going to blackmail anyone. In fact what we are going to do is not going to break any laws. At least no laws that have been passed yet. You see what we are going to do relate to the coming of the year 2012. You see everyone in the world will become so paranoid in 2011 about the coming of the year 2012 that in the year 2012 all the governments of the world will start to fall apart and in order to keep order a one world government will be formed and do you know what a one world government will have?”

“Free Superbowl tickets for the rulers?” I guessed.

“Of course,” my future self affirmed, “however, the most important thing a government has is money and in the future the new world government will be issuing a new coin of the new realm you might say. It is a gold colored (actually made of plastic) dollar that many call the doom dollar since it is the only legal form of currency being used when most people believe the appocolypse is near. Of course these doom dollars will not be minted until the end of the year 2012 and people will give up anything just to get their hands on one. I have been to the future and the doom dollar is king in the future. So, what am I proposing? I am proposing going into the future and sending back to you a whole lot of these valuable doom dollars dated 2012. You see that if the doom dollar is valuable in the year 2012 just think of what people will pay now whent they don’t exist, just to have one. Think what rich people would pay for several doom dollars.”

Well, our meeting ended and I am still waiting for the doom dollars to arrive. They are supposed to be coming via UPPP (United Past and Present Parcels). I did have a 1974 Matador show up in front of the building with a note on the winshield that said the car belonged to me. My brother Ted told me that he thought it was the same 1974 Matador he investigated a while back. It seems some strange character claimed that a 1974 Matador was taken into outer space and transformed into some type of time machine. It is a silly looking car. It seems the inside is a lot smaller than it looks from the outside. It does not appear to have any advanced alien technology. Even with its eight cylander engine I do not believe that this car will be the envy of Dr. Who and the Time Lords.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

ANOTHER SPACESHIP CRASHES IN LONG LAKE TOWNSHIP

By Tim Colin
Last week there was a terrible storm which struck all across the mid-western United States. Several tornadoes and much wind damage were attributed to this massive storm. In Northern Michigan there was also a great deal of damage however; one township had several roads going into it closed off for several days. This was the notorious Long Lake Township where a spaceship had crash landed in Long Lake less than two years ago. Since then there have been numerous reports of alien spacecraft hovering over the lake.

During this last storm many trees and other debris blocked roadways all across Northern Michigan but, the roads in Long Lake Township were blocked off by tractor trailers pulled across all the roads leading into the township. In addition, this reporter noticed that there were several armed guards at each roadblock. These armed guards wore black military uniforms with the insignia of the private paramilitary firm called Sewage Water. Sewage Water is well known by people in my ET (Extraterrestrial) circle as private military contractors hired by the world government to guard the secret interactions between our rulers and the ET’s.

I would have tried to sneak past the guards but, because they had weapons I did not want to put myself in any danger so, I went back to the office to see if I could find someone else who would try to sneak past the guards. Unfortunately, I work with a bunch of yellow bellied cowards who are just too scared to walk around a few dozen former Navy Seals holding machine guns and high powered rifles. The people I work with are such chickens that they really make me sick. I really don’t know why any of them want to pursue a career in investigative journalism.

Since I was unable to get someone to check into the activities behind the road blocks in Long Lake Township, I went to a local bar in downtown Traverse City. I decided to spend another afternoon there trying to find someone coming in to patronize the bar and also perhaps, tell a tale of extraterrestrial contacts in Long Lake Township. Finally, at about 3 o’clock in the afternoon, there was a man who bellied up to the bar, who had a story of a recent ET encounter. He said that he had seen a flying saucer during the great storm and that he tried to film it hovering over Long Lake but, his wife had swapped out the good batteries in his camera with some dead batteries so she could put the good batteries into her electric shaver. The man said he was glad his wife shaved because the hair on her stomach was so thick that he was starting to think he was married to one of our native big foot monsters. (Michigan Big Foots are notorious for their thick underbelly hair.)

Because I had spent my afternoon at the bar, I was extremely intoxicated and could not drive home so I went down to my office and slept on my office futon for a couple of days. After cleaning up a bit in the bathroom, I bought a couple of donuts and a cup of coffee at Dun-kin Donuts and drove out to Long Lake Township. The roadblocks and security people were gone so I drove all around but, did not find anything left of the spaceship that crashed and interestingly enough, I found no sign that there had been any wind damage at all in Long Lake Township. There were no down trees or power lines. Evidently, either everything had been cleaned up in two days or, there never had been any damage excepting for the poor intergalactic spaceship that met its demise flying at some sort of warp speed over Long Lake.

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