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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

GIANT ALIEN BRAIN DESTROYED THE DINOSAURS

What do we really know about the Petoskey Stone? We know it is only found in a very specific region on the planet Earth. That region is Northern Lake Michigan extending up to Lake Superior. Several sites on the internet explain that the petoskey stone is a fossilized coral from the Devonian Era which would make the stone approximately 350 million years old. We have found someone with a very different opinion.

In an old gravel pit about ten miles west of Traverse City, there is a Petoskey stone dig site managed by Professor I. M. Alyar. Professor Alyar teaches Paleontology, Astrophysics, Alien Psychology and, Human Proctology at the Bare Truth Online Institute of Education and Adult Photo Journalism.

We caught up with Professor Alyar at the dig site to ask him about the theory he was advocating regarding the origin of the Petoskey Stone. The Professor had previously contacted us and said he would pay us $50.00 to publish a story about his “Origin of the Petoskey Stone” theory. After some intense negotiations, the Professor also agreed to pay for our gas. The following is an outline of the theory as he explains it:

“The Petoskey Stone came to my attention as I noticed that people were making a lot of money picking up these stones and selling them on EBay and to tourists. I remembered that my uncle I. Ben Alyar owned this old gravel pit where I picked up petoskey stones as an under graduate student. It then occurred to me that I could get a government grant that would pay me a salary to do research on the petoskey stone for a couple of years. So last year I began digging up petoskey stones for research and the extra stones I sell for money (cash only, no receipt if you want any).

Well, last week I received a letter from the government wanting to know why I haven’t published any papers on my findings. The letter went on to say that if I were fraudulently obtaining grant money that I could be prosecuted if I did not return the money with interest. I like most people in Michigan have a penchant for Black Jack so; I have no money to give back and no published paper.

Then, suddenly it hit me. As I was in the bar located out on the highway, I suddenly realized that the petoskey stone seemed to look a lot like a piece of gray brain matter. But, not just any gray matter. Animal gray matter does not have those eyes. Then, I realized that those were not eyes but, they were individual cells. These were cells to the brain of some incredible creature. Brain cells of incredible size that must have belonged to a massive brain. This brain had died 350 million years ago and had been fossilized over time. It all made sense. Over eons of years, glaciers broke up the fossil and scattered brain cells all across Northern Michigan.

But, I asked myself, where does this giant brain come from? There is no evidence in the fossil records to indicate this creature ever existed. Finally, I concluded that this creature was not of this world. It was in fact a creature from outer space that most likely died upon impact with our planet over 350 million years ago.

The fact that the creature had or was a giant brain means it must have been physic. This makes sense because many physics use this stone for healing or to go into trances to see the future. I should charge more money for the stones I sell. Perhaps a medical research facility will be built in my name to study the medical uses of the Petoskey Stone.”

Because the Professor kept rambling on, I shut off my recorder. We of course believe everything he postulated. True to our word, we are publishing his theories now. A couple of days ago the Professor was arrested. This is too bad because we were thinking of making him our official scientific advisor. Yesterday I received a call from the Professor asking if I would use the $50.00 he gave me to help bail him out of jail. I told him that unfortunately, I was a problem gambler and lost the money playing foosball.

ODE TO THE PETOSKEY STONE
By I. M. Alyar
Oh vain,
Petoskey stone,
Are you an alien brain,
Or seaweed bone,

Why do you lay,
And splash on the beach?
Have you something to say?
Have you something to teach?

Maybe your looks,
Can make me some pay,
I'll polish you up,
To sell on EBay.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

RANSOM IN SPACE: THE TRUTH BEHIND THE HUBBLE REPAIR MISSION

This is shocking news just in. It has been exclusively learned by this publication that, the Hubble Telescope repair mission was just a front for the payment of ransom for a famous celebrity. This information comes to us via our inside the government informant known only by the code name "Little Dipper". Little Dipper (LD) told our correspondent that the space shuttle took up with it a whopping 1 billion dollars in gold. Why would the government need to send up a whopping 1 billion dollars in gold to repair a space telescope? The answer will shock you.

According to LD the gold was to be used to pay off some space aliens who have been holding hostage a major Hollywood celebrity. LD was not sure who this mystery celebrity was but, though our vast computing resources and methods of reasoning here at "Humor News Outer Space Nuts", we have come up with the identity of the celebrity and it will shock you when we tell you who it is in the next paragraph or so.

In order to get the computing power we needed to deduce the name of the celebrity being held hostage by space aliens in outer space, we had to use, as noted above, all of our computing resources. We hooked up our Dell, Mac and HP computers.Finally we added our most powerful predictive computer device the Atari 64 (loaded with the original Space Invaders game that came with it).

After 48 hours of constant computing and game play, our answer was at hand. It seems that only one celebrity could be currently held by space aliens who would be worth a billion dollars. That would be Bruce Willis. Think about it. Mr. Willis has not been seen in any movies lately therefor, it has to be him. He wasn't in the recent Star Trek movie, Terminator movie or, X-Men. All other major celebrities are accounted for by our computers and, they all appeared in one of the aforementioned movies that we at this publication, would go to see. Movies are not real entertainment without aliens and monsters in them. All other films are just some sort of educational flick. Watching a non-monster/alien movie is like watching a movie about "how to brush your teeth". Tooth brushing movies are sickening to watch besides, why take the time to brush when you can polish at least your front teeth, on you T-shirt while watching TV. As far as the back teeth are concerned, who sees your back teeth anyway?

The only question now is whether the ransom was being paid to bring Bruce Willis back or, to keep him in outer space? What sinister plot could someone in the government be hatching if the aliens are being paid to keep a famous actor like Bruce Willis in space? Here is a man that can not only act but, can speak in coherent sentences without another human being directing him. We will keep you informed.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

ALIEN RAT: CODE NAME SHIVA

By Shelia

My name is Shelia and I come from the planet Weathersgood. My code name is Shiva. Shiva was an Indian god of destruction. I always tell my enemies I am Shiva, the destroyer of their world. The literate ones get it. I have to rely on snarling my teeth to scare the stupid ones.

Today I decided to add an op ed editorial to the ramblings on this blog. This is not a sanctioned piece so I have to publish it today before anyone gets here. I’m in the offices of the Humor News Nuts Blog. They really need better security. Anyone can come in here off the street and start typing. I just used my crowbar to open the door and I was inside in no time. An alarm went off but, I used my crowbar to turn it off. A crowbar is a very versatile tool and one of the most useful technologies you humans ever came up with.

I do not come in peace or to save humans. I am here in these offices today to set the record straight regarding the reason I am on your planet. You see I am not here to save you humans; I am here to save my genetic cousins whom you call rats.

The creatures you call rats were once known as “The Thirteenth Tribe” among my people. They were colonist on the planet you call earth. You see over one million years ago my people came to your planet and built a vast civilization. At that time our colonist excelled in the arts, sciences and literature. The Thirteenth Tribe was looked upon as an inspiration to my people. For over 900,000 years the Thirteenth Tribe held a seat of honor on the high council of our empire. Throughout the Universe scholars and artists would study every feature of Thirteenth Tribe culture. But, then the great plague happened which destroyed the culture of the Thirteenth Tribe.

What was that heinous plague that destroyed my people on this planet? It was no bug, no virus no deadly bacteria. Instead it was a horrific disease spread by the most dangerous monsters in the universe. The disease was stupidity and it was spread by a bunch of hairy little toads known as human beings. That’s right; humans are really a type of toad and not even remotely related to mammals. If you observe them sleeping you will notice that they usually leave their mouths open so, that even when asleep, humans can continue to catch flies with their tongues. Humans, like most toads, are obsessed with flies. Humans call zippers flies, they catch fly balls and they fear some demon known as Beelzebub; the lord of the flies.

These fly eating toads first, struck down the children of The Thirteenth Tribe. Humans, like all toads, are covered with poison filled warts. Even though they were warned, the children of our colonist still touched the toads and, became instantly addicted to video games and extreme sports. The disease spread quickly to the adult population. Over the last hundred thousand years my people on this planet have become desperate to find food and shelter. The Thirteenth Tribe has now reverted back to an epoch in which my people lacked the ability to travel in space and time.
Of course I still have to save this planet and what is left of the Thirteenth Tribe.

There is another race from another galaxy that looks like my people. They have been sending out pre-invasion parties to this planet. It seems they want to conquer and enslave my cousins but, I along with a few loyal hairy toad companions have been able to thwart all the expeditionary forces that have arrived thus far.

Even though I have hairy toads that work for me, I have to say I am very disappointed with how you hairy toads have been treating my people. There is some geek named Gerrard that raises my people for experiments. I’d like to nibble off one of his ears while he's sleeping but, he probably would look better and I don’t want to do him any favors.

I did elope back to my home world with Gerrard’s pet rat. We married and raised a family together. Unfortunately Ernie or ER (that was his name) decided that he was going to run off with a younger rat. Our marriage was over after 30 days but, we managed to raise a family together and the last one had graduated from college before ER left.

For a time my family had a pet hairy toad from earth. We kept it in a cage so no one could touch it and become stupid. It was fun to watch it on the wheel it had in its cage. I placed a picture of a female toad in front of the wheel and our pet toad would run after the picture for hours thinking it could catch the picture. I put a mirror in its cage and the silly thing would kiss itself in the mirror for hours. Finally, I ended up releasing my toad into the wild when I returned to earth. I guess he works as a Chief Executive Officer for some insurance company. I knew he was not very bright.

In terms of my former husband I received a Xmas card from him a last year. ER could not write his name or count only up to six. He signed his card ER 1,2,3,4,5,6. I’m not sure why he contacted me after several years had passed since our divorce. I hope he doesn’t think I will take him back. He made his nest so he can lie in it.

Well, I'm out of this dump. It's getting late and I have some clubs to hit tonight. Although you hairy toads are not very smart or clean, you are really good dancers.

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