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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

CELL PHONES ARE ALIEN TECH FROM OUTER SPACE

By Ted Colin
Yesterday while I was watching Fox News I accidentally hit my remote control and turned the sound on. Generally, Fox News is best viewed as a visual arts channel with the sound turned off. I just like to sit in a chair with a can of beer and enjoy all the hot chicks on Fox News as they model in those incredibly short skirts.

Well, anyway before I could turn the sound off again one of the pretty models said that nearly 90% of the households in America had cell phones. For the rest of the day I did not think much about the fact that Americans have advanced technological devices stuck to the sides of their heads. However, after drinking beer all day I watched a pirated Doctor Who show on the internet. Before the show was over the BBC had the FBI show up at my house and they pulled the plug on my internet access citing national security concerns. The FBI also confiscated a dish of pork and beans that mom brought over citing the fact that the dish of beans and elements in it that could be used to make some very powerful explosives. I asked the FBI if the rumor was true that Bin Laden and his family were living in Detroit. They tasared me and said that I should leave that poor man and his family alone. “After all,” they said,” The Bin Laden family is the most generous secret foreign financial backers of the Chamber of Commerce and according the Supreme Court the Chamber get to decide who runs the country.” I didn’t understand anything the FBI was talking about. I just did not like being tasared while they were saying it. That taser thing was really making me loose the buzz I had so carefully nursed all day long.

Since I had no TV I decided to walk down to the bar and get really liquored up. I staggered into the bar and ordered Gunnies in a tall pilsner glass. I love the way that beer foams around after it is poured. It is just like watching a lava lamp. It is a great tasting beer with long lasting effects. When you are really wickedly, obnoxiously hammered there is nothing like a tall glass of Gunnies beer to keep you there.

After looking around the bar I saw a lot of people talking mindlessly on their cell phones. The old gray haired guy sitting next to me must have noticed my fascination with cell phones when he said, “Those cell phones are just a way for space aliens to control our minds.”

“You know I saw part of a documentary earlier today on the BBC that was about aliens controlling our minds using cell phone technology.”

“The BBC, isn’t that British television?” my bar friend mumbled.

“Yeah, it is I said. You can’t get that kind of stuff on American TV. Here everything is censored. I even had my TV plug pulled by the FBI today for watching the BBC.”

“You don’t say,” my bar friend said.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

THE MONSTER ON THE MOON REVISITED

Today the government has admitted that the moon has more water on it then has been acknowledged in the past. For decades the U.S. government has been telling the America people that we can not return to the moon because there is not any water there. Liar, Liar pants on fire. Evidently, some whistle blower was getting ready to blow his whistle on the Feds. Out of panic, we now know there are oceans of water on the moon but, the water looks like the soil in dads' vegetable garden; dry, dusty sand. In lieu of these new developments, we are republishing an earlier story entitled:

THE MONSTER ON THE MOON
By Tim Collin
Recently, we celebrated the 40Th anniversary of the first humans to land on the moon. What I cannot believe is that after 40 years, what is unbelievable is that we do not have a moon colony at the present time. In fact, there is a great debate as to whether or not we should ever go back to the moon. The thought that mankind will never go back to the moon is very troubling. It takes the wind out of your sails when you’re shooting alien beings on your computer at work. It’s like life does not matter at all since you will never get the chance to kill real space aliens or blast off into space with hot chicks like O’hora, Seven of Nine or, Topal. Is this the end for manned space flight? Will emasculated space drones be the only connection humans have with the great infinity which is space?

But wait, there is an alternate scenario for maned space flight put forward by none other than the first astronauts to land on the moon. These men argue that instead of going to the moon we should simply skip the moon and do not pass go and, go directly to Mars. The original astronauts to the moon seem emphatic that we should not return to the moon but, should go directly to Mars although, Mars is at best a little over six months from Earth and the moon is at most three days. In addition, blasting off a mission to Mars from the moon would be cheaper, much more energy efficient and, just plain super smart compared to blasting off from Earth which amounts to sitting on a keg of gun powder and lighting a fuse with the hope of going up.

After an extensive investigation, there seems to be a reason our former moon walkers and our government never want to travel back to the moon. To find the answer you need go no further than the speech Buzz Aldrin gave when he first set foot on the moon way back in 1969. He said this is “One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” It is so obvious. What is a “Giant Leap”? The speech had nothing to do with the articulation of the feet. Instead, Buzz actually meant that this was first contact with an alien race. The name of this moon based race was “ The Giant Leap”. We need information to explain the disaster that was our first contact. Unfortunately, no posthumous tell all publications written by our astronauts has surfaced yet. Therefor, for now we do not know what happened but, our Astronauts had a few negotiations with The Leap but, evidently the Leap told our guys to leave the moon and never come back.

Well, it seems American astronauts for some reason, are afraid of the Leap. However, China has announced plans to go to the moon and take it over but,in reality they will just be helping to set up factories on the moon which will be run by the Giant Leap.

We Americans of course, don’t care about what the Chinese people do. What we do care about is the new virtual oriented machines that are coming out of China. Communicating with each other and games are the backbone of the American lifestyle. Of course, the Giant Leap are the greatest makers of video games and communications equipment in the galaxy. This is logical. The Giant Leap live on the moon. There is no more baron place than our moon. It's dry, dusty and does not even have an atmosphere. There is nothing to do on the moon except perfect video games and cell phones.

China makes no bones about it's unholy alliance with the moon aliens known as the Giant Leap. The Giant Leaps have many slaves available amongst the other creatures on the moon known as the little leaps. The little leaps will be making the stuff that the Chinese can export to the United States and the rest of the world and make great profits. The technology of the Giant Leap and the factory efficiency of the Chinese. The next generation of techno nerds will have games we can only dream about. Perhaps our astronauts will be playing these games on their long trip to Mars.

Meanwhile back here on Earth, we will be going deeper and deeper into debt buying all our technology gadgets from the Chinese/Leap partnership. Luckily, the Giant Leap in addition to their technical abilities are also great bankers. Soon we will have Citi-Leap and Chase-Leap credit cards. Watch out for the reverse mortgages the Leap will soon be offering.

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