THE 2012 DOOM DOLLAR

By Tim Colin
Editor
I have just returned in my time traveling 1974 AMC Matador from the year 2012. Boy is things a real mess up there. Riots, revolts and shortages of every kind are pervasive. There are three wars going on in the mid-west over cheese curl distribution rights. There is a civil war in Northern Michigan over whether having a toad urinate on you will give you warts. A lot of people in Northern Michigan keep toads as pets so the toad urine causing warts debate has become a liability dispute. This dispute has completely tied up all the court not only in Michigan but, it has gone all the way to the Supreme Court of the United States.

The above disputes are just some of the problems that have torn many nations apart and have brought civilization to its knees. Obviously there is little hope in the year 2012. World governments are all falling apart and no one will take any form of currency except for the newly introduced international currency known as the "Doom Dollar".

The "Doom Dollar" is a 1 oz. Metallic like coin that is sort of gold colored. The coin has no actual gold or any metal in it but is instead made up of a combination of compressed cardboard and used baby diapers hence; there is an organic component to the coin. In the "New World Order of 2012" there are only two types of people: those who have doom dollars and those who desperately want doom dollars. In the year 2012 anyone would do anything for a doom dollar. I was able to bring one back with me but I will not tell you what I had to sell to get it. The stitches should come out in a few weeks. I just hope that the people that bought what I was selling were right when they told me that I had two of them and could get by with just one.

I will be assembling a team of the best minds I can find to figure out a way to purchase "Doom Dollars" in the future and then bring them back to this time and sell them. My mind for marketing tells me that the price I will get for the doom dollar is $19.99. This would be in line with what non-government minted coins are selling for. Of course the government that will mint the "Doom Dollar" exists in the future and does not exist now or, does it? Maybe it is forming inside a hollowed out mountain somewhere.

Perhaps it is Mt. Double Bubble; the tallest mountain in Michigan. Further investigation is obviously required. Of course if I become rich by bringing back doom dollars from 2012 and selling them today then, the only thing I'll be investigating will be climate change in the Caribbean.

ON OCTOBER 9TH, 2009: NASA ATTACKED THE MOON MEN

On October 9, 2009, NASA bombed the moon. This is a first strike against the ancient and very advanced civilization of creatures known as the Giant Leap. Many scientists expect a massive retaliation against North America will follow. This retaliation may affect the future of mankind for thousands of years. Some scientists believe we may not survive the retaliation. Many scientists believe that the lucky ones won’t survive the initial attack by the Giant Leap. Every scientist agrees that an attack by the Giant Leap will have catastrophic effects for mankind.

It is truly ironic that all this tension between our two planets began 40 years ago this month. Commander Buzz Alden of Apollo 11 was the first human to have direct contact with the Giant Leap. As Buzz stepped off the ladder that led from his lunar module he said some very garbled words that were immediately fixed to sound like “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” In fact he actually said “One small leap is as big as a man, one Giant Leap could destroy mankind.”

The two races of Leap’s were waiting to greet the early astronauts. One race was known as the small (or Lesser Leap). The Lesser Leap was a race of slaves who served the Giant (or Giant Leap). All the races of Leap’s were completely covered in mated long tan hair with the exception of one giant eye toward the top of what might be described as a head. The mouth and nose were indistinguishable under the mass of hair. All Leap’s had two arms and hands with three fingers on each. They also had two legs and two feet with three toes on each foot. Overall, a Leap looks just like a big hairball with an eye and two arms and two legs.

The first negotiations between Leaps and humans went fine. NASA was allowed to land on specific spots on the moon in order to carry out research. The problems began when the Giant Leap noticed that NASA kept leaving a lot of debris on the moon after each mission. The Leap had kept the Moon pristine for millions of years but, after just one visit humans had left a mess. Further Apollo missions served to further aggravate the Leaps. Finally, stuff hit the fan when the Leap found that astronauts were dumping their waste on the moon. The Leap felt that this was equivalent to doing number two in a neighbor’s front yard. The Great Council of Leaps decided to ban NASA from ever returning to the moon.

Since NASA has been banned from the moon another great nation called China has been in constant contact with the Giant Leap. The transfer of technological knowledge from the Giant Leap to China has made the Chinese the greatest engine of manufacturing the earth has ever known.

Of course making China a manufacturing powerhouse was really an act of revenge against NASA and the United States. The plumes of poison that bellow out of Chinese smokestacks are destroying the air we breathe and, the stuff made in china is strung across our planet. You would think the Giant Leap would feel by now that they have their revenge against us for littering up the moon with our crap.
Unfortunately, NASA has decided that the Giant Leap are secretly processing anti-matter. Everyone that has ever studied Star Trek in science class knows that anti-matter is the most powerful source of energy in the universe. NASA believes that the Giant Leap are planning to build an anti-matter reactor on the moon. After the reactor is complete it is believed that the Giant Leap will be able to use a projected energy weapon against the Earth or any planet in the solar system thus, making the moon into a death star.

So, we will strike against the Giant Leap before they have completed their project. NASA is going to drop an atomic bomb on the scientific facilities that are set to begin creating anti-matter. According to NASA officials, the anti-matter must be destroyed before it is created. NASA officials point out that even if the Giant Leap don’t attack us directly, it would be terrible if some anti-matter were to one day end up in the hands of terrorists.

Now we all must wait to see if the Giant Leap retaliate after their anti-matter facility is destroyed. NASA has of course put out a lame cover story to pacify any armature astronomers who might happen to see the massive explosion on the moon. NASA has issued a press release stating that the explosion is for gathering moon dust by an orbiting satellite. The satellite will then analyze the dust to see if there is any water present. What is interesting is once the moon dust is supposedly analyzed the satellite would then hurl itself into the bomb’s crater thus, setting off a second explosion. It looks more like NASA wants to make sure the job of destroying the anti-matter facility is completed. If the first bomb only weakened the structure the second bomb finished it off.

WE DON'T DO ROCKET SHIPS, BUT WE STILL HAVE FIREWORKS

By Gerrard
Well, I guess NASA has had some major cuts in funding. After the space station missions are over, all space missions will be cancelled. NASA will soon be privatized and become a pyrotechnics (fireworks) company.

In the meantime, China, Japan and India (the CHIJAPIN Group), are partnering to launch their new Subaru Land Rover to Mars. By 2016 there will be an estimated 1,000,000 Subaru vehicles on Mars. The CHIJAPIN Group hopes to hire NASA to orchestrate a massive fireworks display when the millionth Subaru lands on Mars. The European Union also hopes to begin landing vehicles on Mars but, they can’t decide if they should eat crumpets, sausages, pasta or cheese during their two hour lunch breaks they will no doubt take while on the red planet. Russia will not be competing for real estate on Mars. Russia is instead building space portals in all their major cities so that every Russian citizen will have the opportunity to travel to other galaxies free of charge. The Swiss are of course, building time travel machines. I guess once you are a clock maker you will always be a clock maker.One thing that we Americans are good at is making fireworks. That's a technology that we invented and nobody does it better.

Personally, I love setting off fireworks in Michigan that I buy in other states. The good fireworks are all illegal in Michigan. The one problem that I have with setting off the fireworks is that for some strange reason the instructions are all in Chinese. I guess we write the instructions in Chinese because we export a lot of fireworks to the Chinese mainland.

I WAS THE WORLDS FIRST INTERNET ORPHAN

By Gerrard
It is the season for lots of movies. I just wish they’d let me bring my own pop and pop corn to the cinema. I could watch two movies for the price of the dog gone pop and pop corn. One thing I do like about theatre popcorn is the extra butter option. Butter is one of those things you just can’t get enough of in life. A lot of times that hot butter poured over the popcorn are the only reason to finish watching some of those really crummy movies. All those romance movies have the women all crying into their hankies while the guys are stuffing their face with popcorn and every guy is just wishing the movie would end. Popcorn is a guy’s comfort food when the movie is making him feel really uncomfortable.

The movie “Tron” is really good but, it kind of brings back some bad memories from my childhood. You see my father was absorbed into the Internet and has never returned. My mom told me the story of how my dad disappeared back when I was still in grade school.

The story begins with Al Gore and his invention of the Internet. At that time Al Gore was just a Senator so he had lot’s extra time to spend as a mad scientist working in the field of astrophysics. Al Gore was the person given credit by historians as the person who created the Internet but, it was really my father who made the ultimate sacrifice so that billions of people could communicate and be entertained with just the click of a button.

Before my father made his sacrifice communication via a very crude Internet connection was difficult and nasty. Al Gore used his vast knowledge of the space/time continuum along with his psychic abilities to predict weather patterns in order to construct a parallel universe to this one. This parallel universe is still used for the transmission and reception of all signals over the Internet. Fiber optic cable and other transmission lines are really just a rouse perpetrated by the government and technology companies so that people make payments to be hooked up to the Internet when in fact every cable guy knows that the Internet is not a system of cables and routers but is in fact a separate universe from our own to which any computer can be connected without any type of signal enhancer or cable. In order to connect to this other universe and hence the Internet all the cable guy does is press down “Alt” on the keyboard and triple click the mouse at the same time.

Al Gore found that in order to setup the Internet he needed to have a hook-up done in the alternate universe. My father at the time was a TV repairman and he really bought into the idea of an Internet that could stream football games anywhere anytime. When a note was put up in the break room where my dad worked asking for a volunteer to travel into an alternate universe and hook up the Internet my dad did not hesitate to volunteer. He was the only volunteer so he was chosen to go.

I almost remember the day he said goodbye. My mom told me that whatever happened that he would always be out there. My mom was later told by a government guy that my dad disappeared into the Internet but, never came back. It seems that my dad was tuned into trillions of photons and sent into the alternate universe to make the hook-up to this one. It was estimated that after one hour my dad should have the job done. At that time the “Alt” key was to be held down and the mouse was supposed to be clicked three times. Well, everything went as planned. My dad vanished into the Internet and after an hour a computer geek was ready to extract my father from the alternate universe. The geek pressed down the “Alt” key but, because he had been drinking coffee lattés all day the geek was jittery and did about fifty clicks instead of three. Well, my dad was gone and no one was able to find him again. They told my mom that my dad most likely disappeared into the trillions of bits of information sent over the great Internet.

I still think my dad might come back. Sometimes I go down into the basement and do an “Alt” triple click on my keyboard. I just wish I could afford to hook up to the internet.

PETOSKEY STONE BRAIN DESTROYED THE DINOSAURS

What do we really know about the Petoskey Stone? We know it is only found in a very specific region on the planet Earth. That region is Northern Lake Michigan extending up to Lake Superior. Several sites on the internet explain that the petoskey stone is a fossilized coral from the Devonian Era which would make the stone approximately 350 million years old. We have found someone with a very different opinion.

In an old gravel pit about ten miles west of Traverse City, there is a Petoskey stone dig site managed by Professor I. M. Alyar. Professor Alyar teaches Paleontology, Astrophysics, Alien Psychology and, Human Proctology at the Bare Truth Online Institute of Education and Adult Photo Journalism.

We caught up with Professor Alyar at the dig site to ask him about the theory he was advocating regarding the origin of the Petoskey Stone. The Professor had previously contacted us and said he would pay us $50.00 to publish a story about his “Origin of the Petoskey Stone” theory. After some intense negotiations, the Professor also agreed to pay for our gas. The following is an outline of the theory as he explains it:

“The Petoskey Stone came to my attention as I noticed that people were making a lot of money picking up these stones and selling them on EBay and to tourists. I remembered that my uncle I. Ben Alyar owned this old gravel pit where I picked up petoskey stones as an under graduate student. It then occurred to me that I could get a government grant that would pay me a salary to do research on the petoskey stone for a couple of years. So last year I began digging up petoskey stones for research and the extra stones I sell for money (cash only, no receipt if you want any).

Well, last week I received a letter from the government wanting to know why I haven’t published any papers on my findings. The letter went on to say that if I were fraudulently obtaining grant money that I could be prosecuted if I did not return the money with interest. I like most people in Michigan have a penchant for Black Jack so; I have no money to give back and no published paper.

Then, suddenly it hit me. As I was in the bar located out on the highway, I suddenly realized that the petoskey stone seemed to look a lot like a piece of gray brain matter. But, not just any gray matter. Animal gray matter does not have those eyes. Then, I realized that those were not eyes but, they were individual cells. These were cells to the brain of some incredible creature. Brain cells of incredible size that must have belonged to a massive brain. This brain had died 350 million years ago and had been fossilized over time. It all made sense. Over eons of years, glaciers broke up the fossil and scattered brain cells all across Northern Michigan.

But, I asked myself, where does this giant brain come from? There is no evidence in the fossil records to indicate this creature ever existed. Finally, I concluded that this creature was not of this world. It was in fact a creature from outer space that most likely died upon impact with our planet over 350 million years ago.

The fact that the creature had or was a giant brain means it must have been physic. This makes sense because many physics use this stone for healing or to go into trances to see the future. I should charge more money for the stones I sell. Perhaps a medical research facility will be built in my name to study the medical uses of the Petoskey Stone.”

Because the Professor kept rambling on, I shut off my recorder. We of course believe everything he postulated. True to our word, we are publishing his theories now. A couple of days ago the Professor was arrested. This is too bad because we were thinking of making him our official scientific advisor. Yesterday I received a call from the Professor asking if I would use the $50.00 he gave me to help bail him out of jail. I told him that unfortunately, I was a problem gambler and lost the money playing foosball.

ODE TO THE PETOSKEY STONE
By I. M. Alyar
Oh vain,
Petoskey stone,
Are you an alien brain,
Or seaweed bone,

Why do you lay,
And splash on the beach?
Have you something to say?
Have you something to teach?

Maybe your looks,
Can make me some pay,
I'll polish you up,
To sell on EBay.

THE MONSTER ON THE MOON REVISITED

Today the government has admitted that the moon has more water on it then has been acknowledged in the past. For decades the U.S. government has been telling the America people that we can not return to the moon because there is not any water there. Liar, Liar pants on fire. Evidently, some whistle blower was getting ready to blow his whistle on the Feds. Out of panic, we now know there are oceans of water on the moon but, the water looks like the soil in dads' vegetable garden; dry, dusty sand. In lieu of these new developments, we are republishing an earlier story entitled:

THE MONSTER ON THE MOON
By Tim Collin
Recently, we celebrated the 40Th anniversary of the first humans to land on the moon. What I cannot believe is that after 40 years, what is unbelievable is that we do not have a moon colony at the present time. In fact, there is a great debate as to whether or not we should ever go back to the moon. The thought that mankind will never go back to the moon is very troubling. It takes the wind out of your sails when you’re shooting alien beings on your computer at work. It’s like life does not matter at all since you will never get the chance to kill real space aliens or blast off into space with hot chicks like O’hora, Seven of Nine or, Topal. Is this the end for manned space flight? Will emasculated space drones be the only connection humans have with the great infinity which is space?

But wait, there is an alternate scenario for maned space flight put forward by none other than the first astronauts to land on the moon. These men argue that instead of going to the moon we should simply skip the moon and do not pass go and, go directly to Mars. The original astronauts to the moon seem emphatic that we should not return to the moon but, should go directly to Mars although, Mars is at best a little over six months from Earth and the moon is at most three days. In addition, blasting off a mission to Mars from the moon would be cheaper, much more energy efficient and, just plain super smart compared to blasting off from Earth which amounts to sitting on a keg of gun powder and lighting a fuse with the hope of going up.

After an extensive investigation, there seems to be a reason our former moon walkers and our government never want to travel back to the moon. To find the answer you need go no further than the speech Buzz Aldrin gave when he first set foot on the moon way back in 1969. He said this is “One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” It is so obvious. What is a “Giant Leap”? The speech had nothing to do with the articulation of the feet. Instead, Buzz actually meant that this was first contact with an alien race. The name of this moon based race was “ The Giant Leap”. We need information to explain the disaster that was our first contact. Unfortunately, no posthumous tell all publications written by our astronauts has surfaced yet. Therefor, for now we do not know what happened but, our Astronauts had a few negotiations with The Leap but, evidently the Leap told our guys to leave the moon and never come back.

Well, it seems American astronauts for some reason, are afraid of the Leap. However, China has announced plans to go to the moon and take it over but,in reality they will just be helping to set up factories on the moon which will be run by the Giant Leap.

We Americans of course, don’t care about what the Chinese people do. What we do care about is the new virtual oriented machines that are coming out of China. Communicating with each other and games are the backbone of the American lifestyle. Of course, the Giant Leap are the greatest makers of video games and communications equipment in the galaxy. This is logical. The Giant Leap live on the moon. There is no more baron place than our moon. It's dry, dusty and does not even have an atmosphere. There is nothing to do on the moon except perfect video games and cell phones.

China makes no bones about it's unholy alliance with the moon aliens known as the Giant Leap. The Giant Leaps have many slaves available amongst the other creatures on the moon known as the little leaps. The little leaps will be making the stuff that the Chinese can export to the United States and the rest of the world and make great profits. The technology of the Giant Leap and the factory efficiency of the Chinese. The next generation of techno nerds will have games we can only dream about. Perhaps our astronauts will be playing these games on their long trip to Mars.

Meanwhile back here on Earth, we will be going deeper and deeper into debt buying all our technology gadgets from the Chinese/Leap partnership. Luckily, the Giant Leap in addition to their technical abilities are also great bankers. Soon we will have Citi-Leap and Chase-Leap credit cards. Watch out for the reverse mortgages the Leap will soon be offering.