GOVERNMENT SAYS WE ARE ALIEN CONSPIRACY MOUTHPIECE

By Ted Colin
The Government has accused The Humor News Nuts blogs of being nothing more than a mouthpiece for the Space Alien Conspiracy Party. It is true that I and my brothers have in the past volunteered to work for political candidates that run on the Space Alien Conspiracy Party platform. We hope that one day SACP will be a major force in politics. Then, once and for all, the many alien conspiracies discussed by people that think as we do will be taught as fact to the general population. And the mundane problems we have on planet earth (wars, famine, and climate change etc.) will all pale in comparison to the problems we can create once we begin to deal with intelligent creatures on other worlds.

In regards to dealing with intelligent creatures on other worlds, so far the moon creatures known as the Giant Leap have not retaliated for our hostile attack carried out two weeks ago. It is interesting that one of the scientists who helped to discover ice water on the moon has been recently arrested for spying. The government’s cover story as to why they launched the missiles was that they, the government, were trying to find water on the moon. Of course it was really an attempt to knock out an anti-matter refining plant controlled by the Giant Leap. Well, somehow the arrest of the lunar ice guy within weeks of blasting the moon where the ice guy said there was ice doesn’t hold water. We will continue to follow this developing story.

NASA LAUNCHES INTERPLANETARY WAR

By Tim Colin
This week NASA will bomb the moon. This will be a first strike against the ancient and very advanced civilization of creatures known as the Giant Leap. Many scientists expect a massive retaliation against North America will follow. This retaliation may affect the future of mankind for thousands of years. Some scientists believe we may not survive the retaliation. Many scientists believe that the lucky ones won’t survive the initial attack by the Giant Leap. Every scientist agrees that an attack by the Giant Leap will have catastrophic effects for mankind.

It is truly ironic that all this tension between our two planets began 40 years ago this month. Neil Armstrong of Apollo 11, was the first human to have direct contact with the Giant Leap. As Neil Armstrong stepped off the ladder that led from his lunar module he said some very garbled words that were immediately fixed to sound like “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” In fact he actually said “One small Leap is as big as a man, one Giant Leap could destroy mankind.”

The two races of Leap’s were waiting to greet the early astronauts. One race was known as the small (or Lesser Leap). The Lesser Leap was a race of slaves who served the Giant (or Giant Leap). All the races of Leap’s were completely covered in mated long tan hair with the exception of one giant eye toward the top of what might be described as a head. The mouth and nose were undistinguishable under the mass of hair. All Leap’s had two arms and hands with three fingers on each. They also had two legs and two feet with three toes on each foot. Overall, a Leap looks just like a big hairball with an eye and two arms and two legs.

The first negotiations between Leaps and humans went fine. NASA was allowed to land on specific spots on the moon in order to carry out research. The problems began when the Giant Leap noticed that NASA kept leaving a lot of debris on the moon after each mission. The Leap had kept the Moon pristine for millions of years but, after just one visit humans had left a mess. Further Apollo missions served to further aggravate the Leaps. Finally, stuff hit the fan when the Leap found that astronauts were dumping their waste on the moon. The Leap felt that this was equivalent to doing number two in a neighbor’s front yard. The Great Council of Leaps decided to ban NASA from ever returning to the moon.

Since NASA has been banned from the moon another great nation called China has been in constant contact with the Giant Leap. The transfer of technological knowledge from the Giant Leap to China has made the Chinese the greatest engine of manufacturing the earth has ever known.

Of course making China a manufacturing powerhouse was really an act of revenge against NASA and the United States. The plumes of poison that bellow out of Chinese smokestacks are destroying the air we breathe and, the stuff made in china is strung across our planet. You would think the Giant Leap would feel by now that they have their revenge against us for littering up the planet with out crap.

Unfortunately, NASA has decided that the Giant Leap are secretly processing anti-matter. Everyone that has ever studied Star Trek in science class knows that anti-matter is the most powerful source of energy in the universe. NASA believes that the Giant Leap is planning to build an anti-matter reactor on the moon. After the reactor is complete it is believed that the Giant Leap will be able to use a projected energy weapon against the Earth or any planet in the solar system thus, making the moon into a death star.

So, we will strike against the Giant Leap before they have completed their project. NASA is going to drop an atomic bomb on the scientific facilities that are set to begin creating anti-matter. According to NASA officials, the anti-matter must be destroyed before it is created. NASA officials point out that even if the Giant Leap don’t attack us directly, it would be terrible if some anti-matter were to one day end up in the hands of terrorists.

Now we all must wait to see if the Giant Leap retaliate after their anti-matter facility is destroyed. NASA has of course put out a lame cover story to pacify any armature astronomers who might happen to see the massive explosion on the moon. NASA has issued a press release stating that the explosion is for gathering moon dust by an orbiting satellite. The satellite will then analyze the dust to see if there is any water present. What is interesting is once the moon dust is supposedly analyzed the satellite will then hurly itself into the bomb’s crater thus, setting off a second explosion. It looks more like NASA wants to make sure the job of destroying the anti-matter facility is completed. If the first bomb only weakens the structure the second bomb will finish it off.

ALUMINUM FOIL: IT'S NOT JUST FOR DINNER ANYMORE

By Tim Colin
Most people have it. No one admits to owning it but, you can find aluminum foil in the kitchens of billionaires and squatters in foreclosed houses. Most people think aluminum foil is for cooking diner. I decided to test the assertion that aluminum foil is what people cook their dinner in. I have heard that many gourmet chefs serve baked potato which has been wrapped and then cooked in aluminum foil. I even found a recipe that told me how to wrap the potato and to bake it for 8 minutes. I followed these instructions and placed my aluminum wrapped potato in my microwave and pressed start.

After the fire was put out, the fire chief told me to never again put aluminum in a microwave. I told him I had a recipe for baked potato which called for it to be wrapped in aluminum foil. The chief held up his fire ax like he wanted to hit me with it then, just stormed off mumbling the words “stupid idiot under his breath.

It seemed at that point pretty obvious that aluminum foil was never intended for use as a cheap cookware substitute. I had burned up my microwave and my apartment smelled like grandpa Jakes still after he added an old wheel barrel tire to his mash to give his whisky a special kick. He sold a batch of his special kick whiskey to some Chicago bankers who were up north on vacation. Grandpa will be getting out of prison soon after serving 30 years for multiple homicides. The special kick made eight of the bankers kick the bucket.

Of course not only did my apartment stink but, it was drenched with water. It dried out pretty fast though thanks to the fact that I was on the 2nd floor so the water drained quickly down to the apartment below mine. The couple that lived there had no sense of humor. We have not been on good terms since that incident. They seem to still have issues with me. At least that’s what they told the judge when they sued me. The case was dismissed since I didn’t spray the water, the fire department did that. The couple thought I should pay anyway and be a good neighbor.

After my day in court was over I decided to continue to pursue the mysterious use of aluminum foil. I would have pursued the mystery of plastic wrap but, everyone can see right through that stuff (LOL). That was a joke and “LOL” means “Laugh Out Loud” for you people who don’t text. Anyway, my inquiring mind wanted to know what was up with aluminum foil.

I was so desperate to find out about aluminum foil that I did a world wide internet search on MSN. That yielded one result. It was the web page and email address of Agleanonon Bagdhayordapaydadoe who was located in India where, all aluminum foil is made. Mr. B told me that aluminum foil is found under very large elephants who like to show off how tough they are by doing a belly flop on top of 10,000 empty beer cans at once. The beer cans are crushed and fuzed together like they had been nuked. The metal is also, more finely presed than can be done with even the latest in space age technology. Of course the elephants first have to guzzle the contents of the cans during the annual elephant beer drinking contest in Mumbai. You know the one they show on You Tube all the time.

Mr. B went on to tell me that after the finely pressed aluminum is removed from under the elephants, it is carefully cut and wrapped around cardboard cylinders then, sent off to the United States to be sold mostly at neighborhood liquor stores . It then occurred to me that I had no new information. I was back at my neighborhood grocer and coffee place. But then, Mr. B remembered than another major customer was a company called “Brain Search Stoppers”. Mr. B gave me the address of this company and as luck would have it, the company’s world wide headquarters was across the road from my office and next door to the pizza joint that prints $1 off coupons like the government prints money. And, although it is printed on the coupons that they are just like money, my brother Mike lost his house when he tried to pay the rent with $1.00 off coupons. Now he lives like a troll under a bridge.

The president of the company was not in however, his brother was in and was more than willing to talk to me. It seems that the company owner employed his younger brother but, treated him very poorly. The younger brother was made to do all sorts of nasty jobs like running errands and cleaning the bathrooms. The younger brother complained that he received very little pay and even less respect from his older sibling.

I inquired as to what aluminum foil was used for. The brother told me that certain in the know government and big businessmen made turbans out of the foil to keep out mind controlling messages the government sends out each time there’s a full moon. The brother explained that the crazy behavior some people have during a full moon is not because of any gravitational pull or anything else to do with the moon. The crazy behavior is just a bad reaction to the mind controlling signals the government is sending out. The brother went on to explain that the rich and powerful know all this and that is why they make an aluminum turban each time the moon is full. To make sure they are never without the aluminum material to make a turban, aluminum foil has been marketed to everyone as something to cook with even though you can’t use it in a microwave.

I asked the brother if he knew what the messages were about that were being broadcast by the government. The man said he had no idea but, he had heard that they had something to do with aliens from another world and spaceships. He said he did not know anymore.

So there you have it. Aluminum foil is only good about once a month when the moon is full, to keep out some government signal sent into our brains that has something to do with outer space life forms. Personally, I will be stocking up on aluminum foil and taking some everywhere I go. I’ll also be looking at the moon cycles on the calendar a lot more closely. The next time the moon is full I’m going to wrap my head like a baked potato.