CELL PHONES ARE ALIEN TECH FROM OUTER SPACE

By Ted Colin
Yesterday, while I was watching Fox News I accidentally hit my remote control and turned the sound on. Generally, Fox News is best viewed as a visual arts channel with the sound turned off. I just like to sit in a chair with a can of beer and enjoy all the hot chicks on Fox News as they model in those incredibly short skirts.

Well, anyway before I could turn the sound off again one of the pretty models said that nearly 90% of the households in America had cell phones. For the rest of the day I did not think much about the fact that Americans have advanced technological devices stuck to the sides of their heads. However, after drinking beer all day I watched a pirated Doctor Who show on the internet. Before the show was over the BBC had the FBI show up at my house and they pulled the plug on my internet access citing national security concerns. The FBI also confiscated a dish of pork and beans that mom brought over citing the fact that the dish of beans and elements in it that could be used to make some very powerful explosives. I asked the FBI if the rumor was true that Bin Laden and his family were living in Detroit. They tasared me and said that I should leave that poor man and his family alone. “After all,” they said,” The Bin Laden family is the most generous secret foreign financial backers of the Chamber of Commerce and according the Supreme Court the Chamber get to decide who runs the country.” I didn’t understand anything the FBI was talking about. I just did not like being tasared while they were saying it. That taser thing was really making me loose the buzz I had so carefully nursed all day long.

Since I had no TV I decided to walk down to the bar and get really liquored up. I staggered into the bar and ordered Gunnies in a tall pilsner glass. I love the way that beer foams around after it is poured. It is just like watching a lava lamp. It is a great tasting beer with long lasting effects. When you are really wickedly, obnoxiously hammered there is nothing like a tall glass of Gunnies beer to keep you there.

After looking around the bar I saw a lot of people talking mindlessly on their cell phones. The old gray haired guy sitting next to me must have noticed my fascination with cell phones when he said, “Those cell phones are just a way for space aliens to control our minds.”

“You know I saw part of a documentary earlier today on the BBC that was about aliens controlling our minds using cell phone technology.”

“The BBC, isn’t that British television?” my bar friend mumbled.

“Yeah, it is I said. You can’t get that kind of stuff on American TV. Here everything is censored. I even had my TV plug pulled by the FBI today for watching the BBC.”

“You don’t say,” my bar friend said.