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Thursday, August 5, 2010


By Ted Colin
A 1973 AMC Matador sports vehicle recently turned up in Midland Michigan. What got my attention to this news is that the owner said it was delivered by space aliens in pristine condition and that anything made by the late car maker AMC is even in existence anywhere especially, a Matador. The Matador is a mysterious car because there were millions of them sold and they only ran on one speed (down hill). One bragging point for the Matador was that they never stalled out. Of course no one actually ever got one started but, they made a nice conversation piece for a lawn ornament. Neighbors would often call them an eyesore; wild animals would often call them home.

On my way to Midland to investigate the space/time anomaly, I decided to take a quick detour to visit one of the first scientists to observe peculiarities in the structure of the vehicle known as the Matador. The name of the scientist is Dr. Harry Weirman and he is currently a resident/client in the nation’s number one correctional facility for the psychopathic and homicidal maniacs who are incurably insane. The name of this facility is Grand Rapids Michigan.

When you enter the Grand Rapids facility you might think the complex is some sort of modern city with buildings and highways running through it. This is really just an illusion of being in a normal urban environment. It keeps the patients calm. Of course the sane person upon entering the facility immediately notices that the highways have only off ramps. There are no on ramps so no one can ever escape. I thought to myself that Rod Serling must have designed this place because it definitely reminded me of some lost episode of “The Twilight Zone”.

When I had asked for permission from the Supreme Court of the United States to visit the Grand Rapids facility they instructed me to make sure I visited Meijer Gardens because it is an excellent place to visit and besides, Dr. Weirman worked there with the flora. When I arrived at Meijer Gardens I was struck by the absolute beauty of the place. When I got out of my car to go meet Dr. Weirman I noticed that many of the inmates were wearing wooden shoes. At first I thought that they wore wooden shoes because the facility was first started by the Dutch. Later on I was told that the wooden shoes were akin to a rubber room. Evidently, some of the inmates liked to try to inflict pain upon them by stubbing their toes.

Normally, when I leave my vehicle I do not lock the doors. I already hocked anything of value in it for food and the outside was almost completely covered with rust so no one would steal it to sell. I was a little afraid that one of the inmates might decide to try to escape or go for a joy ride with my vehicle and then I would have to sell my left kidney to get home (I sold my right kidney last year for a trip to Disney World”. I hope to soon get a new kidney from China to replace my old one I sold. The last one I bought on line from China turned out to be a kidney from a tuna fish. In addition, when I unpacked the liver after delivery, it stunk something terrible. Evidently the tuna liver spoiled since it was packed in water and not in oil.

After locking my vehicle (unfortunately I locked the keys inside), I was greeted by several inmates who were dressed up as policemen. They told me that my vehicle looked dangerous and it should be off the road. I replied that it could not be too dangerous because it had a top speed with the wind at its back and going downhill of just 45 mph.

The police (inmate) then asked me if I intended on staying around long and I replied that I was there by order of the Supreme Court of the United States to interview Dr. Weirman. One of the inmates escorted me to the place where Dr. Weirman was supposed to be working but, he was a no show that day. It seems Dr. Weirman decided the night before to cure his constipation by eating a raw chicken. Unfortunately his prescription for a good bowl movement worked way to well and he ended up in the hospital facilities almost dead from severe dehydration and massive internal organ displacement.

While I was waiting for someone to get me a wire clothes hanger so I could unlock my car door and get to my keys, I received a text message from Dr. Weirman in which he expressed his regret on not being able to meet me. He also said that the 1973 Matador was ugly and poorly made however; it was the perfect vehicle for time travel especially if there were an Egyptian pyramid nearby or some giant tower which was filled with treated water from Lake Huron. This was a eureka moment for me because I knew that the city of Midland must have water towers and I surmised that the water that was drank there came from Lake Huron. The only thing I did not know for sure was whether or not the water in Midland was treated. For purposes of keeping this adventure under budget (I don’t have much money for gas) we will just say that Midland does treat their water and hence this 1973 Matador I was going to see does have the ability to travel in time.

In respect to time and travel, I was beginning to feel like it was taking an awful long time to get to Midland from Grand Rapids. I pulled off at a McDonalds and looked my map.
It seems like I had mixed up the cities of Grand Rapids and Big Rapids. That meant I would be traveling an additional 200 miles that day.

Finally, I arrived in Midland Michigan and at the home of Ben Braggin, the owner of the Matador. The Matador was sitting in the front yard of his house. It had a white top and the rest of the body was painted blue with a white race stripe down each side. When I got out of the car Ben Braggin was right there to meet me.

“Hi I’m Ben Braggin,” he said. “You must be Ted Colin. You re the person that attended my online video conference about my Matador that was returned to me from outer space. I should not have had it during the dinner hours then; maybe someone else would have attended.”

“Well I’m certainly glad I attended,” I responded. “Furthermore, after checking with a scientific expert in the field of space/time continuum anomalies, I now have a conclusive saved text message on my phone that proves that the 1973 Matador is capable of time travel.” In fact it was used as the basis for all those movies in the 1980’s about a time traveling Delorean.

Ben Braggin told me that he had been all across the universe and visited every single place at every single moment of time. When I saw his 1993 Matador I could see it had a lot of wear and tear build into it. The doors were all rusted shut so I never did get inside to drive her to a galaxy far, far and away

Soon I was on my way home so I stopped in Clare Michigan to see if at least I could end this investigation with a good bar fight. Well the young Irish girl that picked a fight with me kicked me so hard in certain places that I won’t ever have to worry about having children.

Addendum: It turns out that the 1973 Matador is now missing again. This might have something to do with the current prices of scrap metal.

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