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Friday, December 3, 2010

IS LAKE MICHIGAN LEAKING

By Tim Colin
Last summer I decided to go over to the town on Frankfort which is located on Lake Michigan. The problem is that when I got to Lake Michigan I found that it was almost gone. Lake Michigan had been reduced to just a hole that was less than a hundred yards across. I could see Utah. If I could get a valid Visa I would have swam over there to see my Mormon cousins. I love to travel to foreign countries.

Looking at Lake Michigan I could tell something was wrong. I have a scientific background (I took a geosciences class in 10Th grade). I kept looking at looking at Lake Michigan and it suddenly struck me that if this great lake had almost no water left in it then, the question should be “where did all the water go?’.

I started to remember that there was some guy named Al Gorekon, or Gornon or Gorman or something who said that the world was getting warmer. I wondered if maybe the world had gotten so warm that the water had boiled away out of Lake Michigan. All this thinking was giving me a real headache. After all, I only wanted to go fishing that day so, I decided to head over to the nearest pizza/bar and eat/drink my headache away.

After about a half hour at the pizza/bar, I started to feel comfortable talking to the strangers who sat around me. I said that it looks like Lake Michigan is boiling away. Two people got up and left the bar. The bartender then told me that if I didn’t shut up about global warming he’d kick my commie ass out the door. I decided to move to a private table. I ordered a pitcher of beer and went over to a table that was in a remote corner of the bar/pizza establishment.

I did not sit there for long before a scruffy, bearded old guy from the bar came over to my table and sat down with his mug of beer. I immediately thought that this guy is either gay or he wants me to share my pitcher of beer with him. In either case the answer would be “no”. The bearded, weirdo then said to me that he knew where there was a secret hole. He said I needed to come with him and he would show it to me.

“Now why would I want to go see your hole? I asked.

“Because I’m telling you I’m a scientist. I know why Lake Michigan is drying up.”

After I finished off my pitcher of beer I was pretty much game for anything so, I agreed to go and look at the scruffy mans old hole. I told him that looking was all I would do. I was emphatic that I would never climb down into it. I said that ever since I was a teenager I was very afraid of cold, dark places.

The old guy and I walked down to Lake Michigan. True to his word he showed me this deep hole which seemed to be sucking everything into it. I was truly amazed. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. Lake Michigan was gurgling down into an abyss. It was not global warming that was destroying Lake Michigan. Instead, it was some sort of large hole that seemed to be sucking Lake Michigan water into some sort of alternate dimension. But, where is the water ending up. If I had my brother with me I would have sent him into the hole to find out. For now, it must remain a great mystery. The water might be flowing into an alternate universe or, it might be getting sucked up by the bottled water plant down the road.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

THE MATADOR FROM OUTER SPACE

By Ted Colin
A 1973 AMC Matador sports vehicle recently turned up in Midland Michigan. What got my attention to this news is that the owner said it was delivered by space aliens in pristine condition and that anything made by the late car maker AMC is even in existence anywhere especially, a Matador. The Matador is a mysterious car because there were millions of them sold and they only ran on one speed (down hill). One bragging point for the Matador was that they never stalled out. Of course no one actually ever got one started but, they made a nice conversation piece for a lawn ornament. Neighbors would often call them an eyesore; wild animals would often call them home.

On my way to Midland to investigate the space/time anomaly, I decided to take a quick detour to visit one of the first scientists to observe peculiarities in the structure of the vehicle known as the Matador. The name of the scientist is Dr. Harry Weirman and he is currently a resident/client in the nation’s number one correctional facility for the psychopathic and homicidal maniacs who are incurably insane. The name of this facility is Grand Rapids Michigan.

When you enter the Grand Rapids facility you might think the complex is some sort of modern city with buildings and highways running through it. This is really just an illusion of being in a normal urban environment. It keeps the patients calm. Of course the sane person upon entering the facility immediately notices that the highways have only off ramps. There are no on ramps so no one can ever escape. I thought to myself that Rod Serling must have designed this place because it definitely reminded me of some lost episode of “The Twilight Zone”.

When I had asked for permission from the Supreme Court of the United States to visit the Grand Rapids facility they instructed me to make sure I visited Meijer Gardens because it is an excellent place to visit and besides, Dr. Weirman worked there with the flora. When I arrived at Meijer Gardens I was struck by the absolute beauty of the place. When I got out of my car to go meet Dr. Weirman I noticed that many of the inmates were wearing wooden shoes. At first I thought that they wore wooden shoes because the facility was first started by the Dutch. Later on I was told that the wooden shoes were akin to a rubber room. Evidently, some of the inmates liked to try to inflict pain upon them by stubbing their toes.

Normally, when I leave my vehicle I do not lock the doors. I already hocked anything of value in it for food and the outside was almost completely covered with rust so no one would steal it to sell. I was a little afraid that one of the inmates might decide to try to escape or go for a joy ride with my vehicle and then I would have to sell my left kidney to get home (I sold my right kidney last year for a trip to Disney World”. I hope to soon get a new kidney from China to replace my old one I sold. The last one I bought on line from China turned out to be a kidney from a tuna fish. In addition, when I unpacked the liver after delivery, it stunk something terrible. Evidently the tuna liver spoiled since it was packed in water and not in oil.

After locking my vehicle (unfortunately I locked the keys inside), I was greeted by several inmates who were dressed up as policemen. They told me that my vehicle looked dangerous and it should be off the road. I replied that it could not be too dangerous because it had a top speed with the wind at its back and going downhill of just 45 mph.

The police (inmate) then asked me if I intended on staying around long and I replied that I was there by order of the Supreme Court of the United States to interview Dr. Weirman. One of the inmates escorted me to the place where Dr. Weirman was supposed to be working but, he was a no show that day. It seems Dr. Weirman decided the night before to cure his constipation by eating a raw chicken. Unfortunately his prescription for a good bowl movement worked way to well and he ended up in the hospital facilities almost dead from severe dehydration and massive internal organ displacement.

While I was waiting for someone to get me a wire clothes hanger so I could unlock my car door and get to my keys, I received a text message from Dr. Weirman in which he expressed his regret on not being able to meet me. He also said that the 1973 Matador was ugly and poorly made however; it was the perfect vehicle for time travel especially if there were an Egyptian pyramid nearby or some giant tower which was filled with treated water from Lake Huron. This was a eureka moment for me because I knew that the city of Midland must have water towers and I surmised that the water that was drank there came from Lake Huron. The only thing I did not know for sure was whether or not the water in Midland was treated. For purposes of keeping this adventure under budget (I don’t have much money for gas) we will just say that Midland does treat their water and hence this 1973 Matador I was going to see does have the ability to travel in time.

In respect to time and travel, I was beginning to feel like it was taking an awful long time to get to Midland from Grand Rapids. I pulled off at a McDonalds and looked my map.
It seems like I had mixed up the cities of Grand Rapids and Big Rapids. That meant I would be traveling an additional 200 miles that day.

Finally, I arrived in Midland Michigan and at the home of Ben Braggin, the owner of the Matador. The Matador was sitting in the front yard of his house. It had a white top and the rest of the body was painted blue with a white race stripe down each side. When I got out of the car Ben Braggin was right there to meet me.

“Hi I’m Ben Braggin,” he said. “You must be Ted Colin. You re the person that attended my online video conference about my Matador that was returned to me from outer space. I should not have had it during the dinner hours then; maybe someone else would have attended.”

“Well I’m certainly glad I attended,” I responded. “Furthermore, after checking with a scientific expert in the field of space/time continuum anomalies, I now have a conclusive saved text message on my phone that proves that the 1973 Matador is capable of time travel.” In fact it was used as the basis for all those movies in the 1980’s about a time traveling Delorean.

Ben Braggin told me that he had been all across the universe and visited every single place at every single moment of time. When I saw his 1993 Matador I could see it had a lot of wear and tear build into it. The doors were all rusted shut so I never did get inside to drive her to a galaxy far, far and away

Soon I was on my way home so I stopped in Clare Michigan to see if at least I could end this investigation with a good bar fight. Well the young Irish girl that picked a fight with me kicked me so hard in certain places that I won’t ever have to worry about having children.

Addendum: It turns out that the 1973 Matador is now missing again. This might have something to do with the current prices of scrap metal.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

INVASION OF THE TENT WORMS FROM OUTER SPACE

By Ted Collin

Day 1
The Attacks
This is the year of the great invasion of tent worm caterpillars. They are several times more numerous than previous years and, seem to be devouring everything that their mouths come into contact with. Several half eaten cattle, deer and, buffalo have been found near the Sleeping Bear Dunes in Northern Michigan. The dunes themselves have very little vegetation left on them. We investigators who are in the know, know this area to be known as AREA 91. In other words, this is like the outer space stuff that goes on at Area 51 except, you can tell by the bigger number that stuff that goes on at Area 91 is far bigger.

After poring over countless government files at the local tax assessors office, we have concluded that area 91 had a crash landing of a craft from outer space about 65 million years ago. This was of course at the time the dinosaurs died out and became extinct. We of course, by using multiple regression analysis came to the conclusion that the crash of the space ship caused the dinosaurs to die out. But, how did the crash affect the dinosaurs and what does that have to do with tent worms? The more we investigate this puzzle it seems the more pieces don’t fit like they should. It was evident that, we will have to force the pieces of this puzzle to fit together so that everything would come out just as we imagined it would. We were desperate researchers trying to stop the carnage of plants and animals by these extra terrestrial tent worms.

In order to fight the menace we at Outer Space News Nuts decided to break into three teams. The twins Laurie and Carrie, would check out the country side to find out the status of the alien invasion. My brothers Tim and Mike will go to area 91 itself and sniff sound on the sand dunes. I and Gerard, the guy that raises rats in his basement, have chosen to stay out of the front line of fire and will instead interview whoever we think can shed some light on this invasion force. Perhaps, we will stop them yet.

Day 2
The Reports Are In And It Is Not Good!!!
Tim and Mike were the first ones to make a report today. They went exploring at the Sand Dunes. They did not find the secret portal that opens up to the secret pentagon black box military base that lies beneath the dunes however, Tim and Mike did find vast swaths of vegetation missing from the sand. Along long areas of beach, there were wide areas between the water and where the vegetation started. It seems the evil beasties have carved large swaths along our Northern Beaches leaving nothing but sand behind them. It seems, these tent worms must eat organic life forms and leave silicon (sand) behind as their excrement. This is important information but, we don’t know what is so important about it? This is just one more piece of that puzzle that we are going to cram into a spot where we think it should go.

The twins reported back today that they indeed found vast areas of fruit trees where the leaves were completely eaten from the trees. A couple of leaves were found with bite imprints on them and these bite marks were immediately sent to our dentist for analysis. It seems our space aliens are not so perfect after all. Our dentist said the bite marks indicated a distinct over bite which accounts for the hideous appearance of the creature when you look directly into his face. Our Dentist also stated that judging by all the plaque left in the bite marks that our extraterrestrial friends do not brush and floss after every meal. Perhaps their poor oral hygiene might cause them to loose their teeth prematurely from periodontal disease. This is the first good news we’ve had since this crisis began.

Gerard and I played Foosball all day and drank beer. Tonight we went to the bar to play pool and watch the Tigers play (they won by the way and I‘m up another five bucks). I also won us a pitcher of beer playing pool and I won another pitcher of beer in a darts tournament. I feel so relaxed right now I almost don’t care about those creepy crawly things that eat up everything. My strategy to unwind has worked.

Day 3
The relaxation strategy that Gerard and I employed yesterday was a way for us to try to keep our heads clear during this crisis. Drinking beer all day and all night has given us the clarity of mind we need to find out how to stop these many footed creatures that live only to devour our flesh and blood and suck the chlorophyll out of our mobility challenged plant brothers. Yesterday, my brothers ( real brothers not plant brothers) and the twins, went out to gather information on the damage the space and/or time traveling tent worms have caused. Today it's Gerard and my turn at bat. We have lined up an expert to interview. This interview is so good that I’m sure we will prevail in saving the world from the tent worms. The consequences of our failure is unacceptable. On to the interview.

2 Hours Later
Gerard called in sick today. It seems he must have caught the flu at the bar last night. Or maybe he can’t face me today because I was winning all the sports contests last night. Because of my athletic abilities last night, I remember being the most popular guy at the bar. I was a lot more popular than Gerard was that's for sure. I’m also a lot better looking than Gerard. Just being around him gives most people the creeps, especially the ladies. I know I’m feeling much less creepy today without him around and I kind of like the guy.

Even without Gerard I will go ahead with my interview with our special secret scientist guest, Dr. Leon Notallthere. Dr. Notallthere was the first person to be barred from flying on airplanes. He was not just barred from domestic flights but, he has been banned from getting on any aircraft anywhere in the world. He can’t even pay to go up in a hot air balloon. It seems Dr. Notallthere was in a tussle with the pilot of an aircraft back in the 1950’s. The two men hadn’t even boarded the plane yet when they got in smack down match over a parking space at the airport.

Although the doctor has had his problems at airports, many admire him for his ability to stand up to authority figures and insist that things are done right. In addition, Doctor Notallthere is considered an expert in his field by several locals.

“Doctor Notallthere, I understand you are an expert in the field of extraterrestrial tent worms.”

“First of all,” interrupted Notallthere, “ I am an expert but not in extraterrestrial tent worms. Secondly, I am not a doctor. I never received a PhD. I have a masters degree.”

“In science?” I asked.

“No, replied Notallthere,” I have a masters degree in international fly fishing though the Calgary International Fly Fishing Institute in Calgary Canada.”

“You attended school in Canada?” I asked.

“No, I’ve never been to Canada. I received my degree on line. It costs me $397.00 (Canadian) and nearly six weeks of my life.”

“So, when I talked to you on the phone and explained our situation you said you could be of great service to us in saving the earth from tent worms. What did you mean?”

“I meant if you would reimburse my $397.00 (Canadian) tuition from fly fishing college, I will tell you how to kill these creatures. I‘m a fisherman. I know all about all types of worms. Even caterpillars. I know all about anything you can stick on a fish hook for bait.”

Since I was desperate, I agreed to his terms with one change, instead of paying him $397.00 in Canadian currency I would pay him an even $400.00 in good old American made $5.00 off coupons at the pizza place across the street. Mr. Notallthere thanked me for giving him the coupons since he wasn’t sure how he would spend the Canadian money and $5.00 off pizza coupons is like money in the bank.

Day 4
We Strike Back
It seems the answer to our problem of how to defeat the evil outer space killer tent worms was no further away than the big goobers we all produce within our mouths and then try to find a place to spit them out. It seems these particular creatures die immediately when hit by high speed mouth mucus. In other words, we destroyed the tent worm army by spitting on them. My brother Mike wanted to eat the little fur balls but, Mr. Notallthere said the creatures were deadly poisonous and that consuming them was unnecessary. It seems lambasting the worms with spit was all it took to cause the fearsome creatures to wrap themselves up in a ball and simply wither away like Count Dracula when he is hit by sun light.

We were able to mobilize everyone in Nothern Michigan to start spitting at anything that moves. There was no motivation needed to get Michiganders to spit because, we spit all the time anyway. I guess the cold weather gives us lots of sinus action and who wants to swallow that stuff.

By the end of day four, no more outer space invading tent worms were left on our planet. Humanity prevailed. The plant and animal deaths caused by the visitors has ceased. All is well yet, there are so many unanswered questions regarding these creatures. For instance, we still do not know exactly how or why they chose to come to earth. We also do not know the location of the entrance to area 91. However, we will continue searching for an opening into the secret government base beneath the sand dunes knowing one day we will uncover it’s secrets.

I can’t help wondering that if the dinosaurs had figured out that they could wipe out the tent worm infection by just spitting on the worms. Perhaps if they had,the mighty dinosaurs would be with us today.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

THE USS KALAMAZOO: WWII SPACE/TIME EXPERIMENTS ON LAKE HURON

In Bay City Michigan there is a tavern called the Break Wind Marina Bar and Grill. This is the place where old timers meet who have various stages of kidney and liver disease. One of these jaundiced old men tells a tale that caused us to open up an investigation into a government cover-up. This is a tale of scientific fact told like fiction. It is a tale of space/time travel not in days or weeks but, in a wink of an eye. A tale of super science not from the 21st century but, from 1944. A tale of how America, on the cusp of defeat, was able to change it’s destiny through a desperate attempt to overcome the laws of God and nature.

My brother Ted and I had traveled to Bay City from our base in Northern Michigan. I would have brought along my brother Mike but, he was still in the hospital after picking and eating some mushrooms he found in the woods. We were there to get the story of the USS Kalamazoo from the last survivor from that ship. We had found on an Internet site that the Kalamazoo was rigged up like the USS Philadelphia, with all kinds of technology for some type of space/time experiment during World War II. The Philadelphia, which was launched in the Atlantic ocean, was apparently unsuccessful at achieving it’s goals however, the USS Kalamazoo, which was launched from Saginaw Bay just off of Lake Huron well, it has been suggested that the later ship was successful in it’s mission and in fact, brought an end to World War II.

The old timer we interviewed was named Bones Spockorsky. Spockorsky was a sailor on board the USS Kalamazoo which, was Built in the old shipyard in Bay City Michigan for use as a warship during World War II. There are no official records indicating that this ship ever existed. Spockorsky has a long criminal record in the field of petty crimes. It seems he will do almost anything for money to buy a few sips of whisky. He agreed to meet with us for $12.00. He wanted $15.00 but, I used my charm to get him to go lower. I just remembered William Shatner at Priceline when I was negotiating for the exclusive rights to this story.

The gray bearded, poorly dressed old man told us the following tale:

“The Philadelphia was the first of the time travel experiments tried out by the navy. It ended badly for the crew but, they did travel in space and time. A few years later, when Hitler was getting ready to invade the U.S. the navy sent a group of us seamen back in time to stop the A-bomb from being used by the Nazis in Europe. You see, in the other time line the Germans won the war.

So we went back in time and ended up just off the coast of Normandy. We were looking for a German ship called Poor Judgement. No wait, Poor Judgement was the pony I bet on last week that lost. No wait, poor judgement was what I had when I married my first wife. No wait, the name of the Nazi boat was Judgement Day. Well anyway, we found the ship, sunk it and the time lines became what they are right now. The only survivors on our ship were myself and that Road Enberry guy that went on to do that starhip show. He was a navy guy you know. The rest of the crew was burned to a crisp from the radiation and they were never heard from again.”

The mans story sounded fantastic but, he evidently had no proof to back up his claims. However, based upon my own knowledge of space/time manipulation and travel, I’d say his mind certainly grasped the rudimentary parts of time travel. I’d like to be a time traveler myself one day so, I’ll have to give this story a thumbs up. It is clearly evident that Mr. Bones Spockorsky was telling the truth.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

SPACE ALIENS RULE

SPACE ALIENS RULE
By Tim Collin
It has come to our attention at this organization that many people blogging on the Internet have found evidence that the President of the United States was born a space alien. To be precise, the blogers maintain that the President was born somewhere in the Milky Way Galaxy.

I decided to confirm the origins of the President by going out on the streets of the city to see if I could find anyone who could confirm the story on the blogosphere. You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet. Many things found on the Internet are reported by people who have no knowledge of the topic they are covering. Therefore, in order to get to the bottom of the story I like to go out and ask people on the street what they believe.

It was a dark and lonely night when I went out on the town and asked people if they believed that the President of the United States was a space alien. Most of the people just smiled at me, the kind of smile people have when they just secretly passed gas. A couple of people seemed angry when I asked them the question. Clearly these annoyed individuals were space aliens themselves and were afraid I had found them out. Finally, I found a man that was more than willing to give me an extensive interview about aliens running our nation.

The man said his name was Fred. I figured Fred knew about space aliens since he was staggering from lamp post to lamp post like Fred had just been dropped off by a space ship and was having trouble adjusting to our gravity. Fred confirmed his abduction when he stated that he had no idea what had happened to him over the previous twenty four hours, forty eight hours, two weeks or, thirty years.

“The aliens are all over and you just don’t know when they will pick you up and take you to Miami.” Fred exclaimed “It seems like whenever it starts getting cold up here I end up being kidnapped and wake up in some homeless shelter in Miami. My ex-wife is a space alien. You know she was president of the United States once. Of course I was top her general. Yeah I’m pretty sure Reagan is a space alien. I voted for him last year. Now that I know that he’s not from here I won’t vote for Reagan next year. Those space aliens are all over. Why don’t they just all go back to Texas? I visited that planet once and went to jail. They said I was drunk and disorderly. I don’t even drink that much. I did admit to the officer that I had a problem with alcohol. My problem was I could not afford to buy the amount I needed to get me thought the night. “ . “

The insights Fred had definitely shed light on the problems we are having with aliens taking over America. I think my family members might be space aliens. I’m not sure when the aliens changed bodies with my brothers and parents. I’m thinking it was when I turned sixteen. It seems not one of them understood me then. At any rate, I’m keeping my eye on everyone.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

JAWS IN LAKE MICHIGAN? THE HUNT FOR GREAT WHITE SHARKS

I was accidentally watching the History Channel the other day and before I could find my remote, I became interested in the show that was airing. It was about sharks living in fresh water lakes and rivers in the United States. This gave me an idea. What if sharks were living in Lake Michigan. What if the government planted them there just to mess around with our heads? What if the bay were teaming with Great White sharks this summer just waiting to chomp us all up, swallow us and turn us into seaweed fertilizer? Finally, I met with my brothers Ted and Mike. Both of them thought it was likely the feds had planted sharks in the bay just like they put fluoride in the water. It was time for action so, we devised a plan.

The first thing we would do is borrow Uncle Bob’s boat. Next, we would get a whole pig, (butchered of course) and cut it up into pieces to use for chum (a fish lure) for the great white sharks. My brother Mike suggested we use decoys to lure in the great whites. He said that most turkey and duck hunters have great success luring in their game with look alike decoys. Of course great white sharks are too big to use actual decoys so we decided just to use the fin they have on top to lure them in. Someone said it was the dorsal fin but, I thought the dorsal fin was on the bottom because words starting with the letter "d" are usually on the underside of most animals. We all knew what "fin on the top" means from watching all those Jaws movies.

Well, the weekend rolled around so we took out the half dozen top fins (dorsal fins?) just before daybreak and launched them in the center of the bay. Uncle Bobs boat has a fish finder on it so we just relaxed for a few hours. Then, just before noon, we noticed a lot of people gathering on the shoreline to bask in the sun and go swimming. Of course sharks are going to be drawn in by all the ruckus swimmers make so we gradually eased closer to the shoreline with our shark fins pulled behind us on a string. We made sure our names and addresses were on each fin since they are not cheap to make and we wanted people to know who made these fins in case we happened to loose them.

As we drew closer to shore, we notice that hundreds of people all along the beach were swimming and running onto the shore. I and my brothers had a group think of “eureka”, we’ve found the sharks. This was confirmed by the boats coming out to meet us. The Department of Natural Resources (DNR), the Sheriffs Department and the Coast Guard all sent out boats to meet us. We assumed that they were going to help us with our search for the great white sharks that were prowling the area. We assumed wrong.

Instead of welcoming us as hero's, the authorities gave us a bunch of citations for stuff like littering, causing a riot and being a general disregard for boater safety (we forgot our life jackets). Ted and I blamed the whole thing on my brother Mike so, he was the only one they arrested that day. Mike does not mind going to jail because they have food there.

Well, we will wait until next year. Then we will do another in depth study of shark attacks in Lake Michigan. We know that they are out there somewhere. Besides, we still have our floating shark fin decoys and most of our fresh pig to chum with.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

THE REPLACEMENT FACTORY: THE ALIEN PLAN TO REPLACE US

Recently, a local newspaper indicated that the government will be using economic stimulus money to build a tunnel under the National Park called Sleeping Bear Dunes (known as the secret alien earth station, Area 91). Tourists will be trucked under the sand dunes via a train. No one currently studying UFO phenomenon has ever considered the possibility that the government would be so blatant in its attempt to work with aliens to take over the earth. The government is proposing to take trainloads of unsuspecting tourist underground to perhaps the largest alien base on the planet.

What will happen to the tourist once they are underground and out of site? It is hard to say. Perhaps they will be dissected by alien doctors to find out all the weaknesses in human anatomy. This does not seem reasonable since aliens have been visiting the earth for thousands of years and have had the opportunity to snatch away millions of humans for dissection and experimentation. Another theory that we have postulated at this publication is that aliens will be kidnapping humans for some sort of alien/human hybrid. Of course like our quandary with the dissection theory, aliens have had millions of years to produce hybrids. It is unlikely they need to create even more hybrids than they have already.

Having eliminated all other possible motives for the tourist tunnel to alienville, it is obvious that the aliens and our government have conspired to commit the most heinous crimes against the laziest people amongst us. Namely, those who would rather ride a train underground than, walk overland with an open view of Lake Michigan. That crime would be the total replacement of our bodies and minds with exact duplicates. These duplicates would be identical to us in every way except, their souls would be from another world.

Mind transference has long been used in science fiction stories to explain how aliens would take over the earth. But, here at Humor News Outerspace Nuts, we work only with facts, not fictions. We therefore concluded that we must do some field research to find some facts. My brother Mike and my brother Tim went out to Sleeping Bear Dunes in order to look around for any strange anomalies. I and my colleague Girard went to a local bar to see if any of the locals had heard anything about strange activities near the Dunes.

While I sat in the bar waiting for Gerard to show up, I noticed in the paper that there was a bumper crop of peas being harvested this year. One farmer noted that some of his pods were “gigantic”. This led me to begin to form a hypothesis as to how the aliens were creating their humanoid duplicates. It seems sometime back when I was very young; there was a news show on TV documenting how aliens took over the earth by leaving giant pods next to people while they slept. It might have been the Today Show or 60 Minutes, I’m not sure. It does not matter what the show was, all that mattered was finding the evidence now so these pea pod people could be stopped. If the aliens were not stopped the new tunnel would be like a replacement factory. Like in the news documentary I remember from my childhood, humans would be replaced by identical aliens grown from giant pea pods. Humans would come in one side of the Sand Dunes tunnel and aliens would emerge from the other. Somewhere along the trip the people would go to sleep and the giant pods would become replacements. After the replacement process was over, the human body would be nothing more than an empty shell that would turn to dust so there would be no evidence of the skulduggery

Upon Gerard’s arrival, I instructed him to begin asking people if they knew of any giant pea pods in the area that might be big enough to fit a human inside of them. Gerard went around to at least a half a dozen tables but, he reported to me no one had heard of such pods. It of course seemed curious to me that no one had heard of the pods so, I decided to reinterview the people Gerard had just talked to. I immediately struck pay dirt. When I asked if they had heard of anyone talking about giant human sized pea pods, they all said yes. It seems everyone Gerard had talked to had heard of the giant pea pods. This was proof positive the aliens were at work in Area 91. As far a Gerard not getting the same answer I received, it seems my tact at asking difficult questions was simply greater than his.

Unfortunately, my brothers turned up no new evidence at the dunes. I’m afraid they spent more time on the beach talking to girls than doing any actual investigation. I would have gone to the Dunes myself but, my car was recently destroyed by a big foot during an overnight investigation in Kalkaska.

So, we may only have limited proof of the conspiracy to replace humans with aliens via giant pea pods. After all, the tunnel is not even being built yet. One thing is for sure; we will be watching and paying close attention to any and all happenings in Area 91. I will also never eat pea pods again because I’m afraid someone I know could be inside. My uncle Marty disappeared a few years ago near the Sand Dunes. I never have believed the story that he sneaked off to Canada to avoid paying child support.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

SPACECRAFT HOOVERS OVER TRAVERSE CITY MICHIGAN

By Ted Colin
It was about 2 o’clock on a Wednesday morning. Actually it was 2 o’clock on a Thursday morning but, I had started my watch on Wednesday evening about 11 o’clock. My watch consisted of sitting atop a hill in my car while watching over Grand Traverse Bay for any signs of extraterrestrial activity. Everyone that worked at our investigative blog site was supposed to take a turn but, I think most of the people did not bother and just lied when they reported that they saw nothing. More than likely when it was there turn to watch over the Bay for alien invaders they instead got hammered at one of the nightclubs down below. Maybe they even crossed the county line and went to one of the places where ladies dance around poles. Of course I do not think that the girls I work with did that.

Anyway, I was just sitting in my car in the wee hours of the morning when suddenly I noticed something moving over the downtown area near the bay. It was a definite movement. Of course it could have been anything including a plane or giant bird or maybe just a plain old pterodactyl. What caught my attention was the fact that there were some moving lights. Now many would say I was just seeing the moon or stars being refracted by some waves but, there was no wind and the water in the bay was still.

In addition, the lights were not just plain colored lights like the moon or car headlamps. Instead, the lights were colored yellow, red and, blue. These lights were flashing off and on in a rhythmic pattern which indicated that these lights were being manipulated by some intelligence. The repetitive pattern of lights was green then, yellow then, red then, green then, yellow then, red and, so on. It was like some sort of elaborate code. At first I thought it was Morris code since the first light was long like a dash then, the second light was short like a dot and then, the third light was long again like a dash. The signal seemed to be “Dash, Dot, and Dash”.

I continued to sit and watch the flashing lights for another hour. Then, I realized that perhaps the colored lights represented musical notes. Maybe space aliens were making first contact with earth that night using the universal mathematical language of music. It was like that old Spielberg movie from the 20th century. Finally, I could not take it anymore. I had to go down to the city and see the craft up close for myself. Maybe I’d become famous as the guy that made first contact with aliens from another world or, dimension or, universe.

After about four tries my car finally started. I needed a new battery but, my car might have been hard to start anyway since whenever alien spacecraft are around then, things like car engines, microwaves and, pacemakers shut down. I wanted to get downtown really fast before the spacecraft disappeared but, I ran into all kinds of traffic lights and it seems they changed from green to yellow then red in just a couple of seconds. I did not dare run any yellow lights since it was after the bars closed in the early morning and the police would pull over anyone for any infraction just to see if the person had beer on their breath. Finally, all the lights went to flashing and the highway I was on had all yellow flashing lights so I got downtown fairly quickly but, the colored lights I had seen in the distance were gone. Everywhere I looked all I could see were the flashing yellow lights of the stop lights and the florescent lights from the street lamps. The spacecraft was gone. I guess making first contact with space aliens in downtown Traverse City Michigan would have to wait for another night or early morning or maybe, I guess it could happen in the daytime just as well unless, the space aliens turn out to be vampires.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

THE ALIEN RAT WITH THE GIANT BRAIN

SHIVA THE RAT: DESTROYER OF MY WORLD
By Gerrard

I got a call today telling me that I had to come down here and write a 1,000 word story for Humor News Nuts publications. I guess I was the only one home because everyone else is out on the lakes having fun. So here I am. I have never been allowed to write anything before. I hope I don’t get in trouble.

I’m not sure if my story qualifies as a space alien type adventure. It was really weird and that says a lot coming from a guy who raises rats for a living. I guess I have to start telling the story now. I hope I just added enough fill words to put my blog over 1,000 words when I’m done.

To begin with, I live in my mom’s basement and raise rats for a living. . It is a big basement and I have several thousand rats in it. I raise the rats to sell to business and colleges. If you wear makeup, there is a good chance one of my rats had it on before you did. And, if you ever had open heart surgery chances are the surgeon that performed it learned how to do so on one of my rats. I raised all my rats from babies and I am happy about what my children have achieved. I hope that one day one of my rats will go into outer space. I’ll be a proud papa then, that’s for sure. It’s too bad girls don’t see my profession to be as exciting as I do.

I’m afraid I have digressed from the story. What happened to me involved rats? The one rat was a really smart little buddy of mine named Ernie. He was my best friend when I was in high school. You see my family has always been in the rat business and I just took it over when my dad died. Ernie could count up to six and even write the first two letters of his name “ER”.

I was never going to sell Ernie. For one think he was a fluke. You see I have both white rats and black rats. It seems different institutions want different colored rats. I guess the humans are prejudiced about color but, rats are not. One day one of my really smart black rats picked the lock on his cage and sneaked into the cage of a little white beauty. The result was the grey rat named Ernie. Ernie got his daddy’s brains and was my favorite rat from the time he was born looking so different from all the rest.

A few weeks after he was born, Ernie was already an adult rat and was looking for love in all the wrong places. I caught him sneaking out the basement on several occasions. He was going out to hang out with those wild rats that hunt the dumpsters at night and chew into grocery stores to nibble on packages of cheese. I felt certain my friend would come to a really bad end. Most of the stores out there have traps set for rats. Of course there are also rat thugs who will eat off an ear if you look cross eyed at them. I tried to talk some sense into Ernie but, our long talks did not help at all.

One day I came down stairs and there was a large brown rat busily working on my computer. I was shocked. Ernie had brought a street rat into our home. I also wondered how a rat would know how to type on a keyboard let alone be so proficient. I did know the rat did not know what it was doing since the monitor was nothing but a bunch of numbers and math symbols with letters cubed and squared all over the place. Ernie was just sitting there beside the big brown rat looking at the monitor as the brown rat was typing away. Then, the big brown rat stopped typing, turned its’ head around and said, “I am Shiva, the destroyer of your world. I am Ernie is my boyfriend. You got a problem with that rat boy?” The big rat barred its teeth at me.”

“I don’t have any problem,” I said. I then walked to my bed that was in the far corner of the basement and lay down and pretended to go to sleep. All the while I kept one eye open watching Ernie’s new girlfriend type away on my computer. I was hoping she was not ordering stuff on line. Mom will be really mad if she has to pay for a bunch of stuff.

A few days later a short, bald, middle aged man in a suit came knocking at the front door. I opened it. The man held out a badge and said that he was detective Mike Ivan Black of the Traverse City police department and he was interested in talking to a man named Ernie who went by the nickname ER. “I’ll let you talk to him but, you won’t like it,” I said. “

I took the detective downstairs and introduced him to Ernie. Ernie just sat there and made little squeaky noises. The policeman was really mad. “Do you realize that you can go to jail for obstruction of justice rat boy?” the detective yelled.

“Sorry,” I apologized.

The detective then told me that there had been a series of graffiti pictures drawn all over the down town area and each was signed by Ernie or ER. The policeman said he knew to come to my address because the culprits also left their address under each signature. Before the policeman left he promised that he would be back with a warrant. Two days past and he never came back.

I went down to the basement one day and Shiva was busily working on my computer. ER was looking befuddled at the stuff Shiva was typing after all; he could only count to six. I figured he must have really been in love with that girl since usually he lost interest in numbers once he counted up to six. Big numbers made him wander off to sniff rat droppings or scratch him. But now, poor Ernie did not want to leave the side of Shiva the super rat.

“Oh by the way,” Shiva said to me “I took care of that detective. He won’t be coming around here anymore. And, how did you like that liver dinner Left out for you last night?”

I shuddered “I thought mom made that dinner for me and left it out,” I was in tears

“No I cooked the liver just for you Gerard. I also fixed that homemade bratwurst on a bun you had for lunch today. It’s made from an old family recipe.”

I was extremely ill then, down the steps came detective Black carrying a large suitcase. I was relieved and very frightened at the same time. I was relieved that he was alive but, I was frightened as to what the detective might be going to do to me for harboring an evil rat like Shiva.

The detective walked over to the computer station and opened his case. “You need to keep your mouth shut rat boy,” the detective said to me. Shiva and I are special undercover agents for the Rat Bureau of Investigations. We are trying to infiltrate an army of super intelligent rats who are plotting to take over the world and replace mankind as the dominant species your friend Ernie is our newest recruit.” That was all the agent said.

Meanwhile, Shiva hit a button on my computer and permanently fried my entire system. Shiva then jumped into the case and said “come on sugar pants” to Ernie. My friend jumped into the case and the policeman shut up the case and walked up the stairs and out the door. I never saw Ernie again.

I did receive an X-mass card a few years ago that I think came from Ernie. All that was written inside were the initials ER and the numbers 1, 2, 3,4,5,6.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

GOVERNMENT SAYS WE ARE ALIEN CONSPIRACY MOUTHPIECE

By Ted Colin
The Government has accused The Humor News Nuts blogs of being nothing more than a mouthpiece for the Space Alien Conspiracy Party. It is true that I and my brothers have in the past volunteered to work for political candidates that run on the Space Alien Conspiracy Party platform. We hope that one day SACP will be a major force in politics. Then, once and for all, the many alien conspiracies discussed by people that think as we do will be taught as fact to the general population. And the mundane problems we have on planet earth (wars, famine, and climate change etc.) will all pale in comparison to the problems we can create once we begin to deal with intelligent creatures on other worlds.

In regards to dealing with intelligent creatures on other worlds, so far the moon creatures known as the Giant Leap have not retaliated for our hostile attack carried out two weeks ago. It is interesting that one of the scientists who helped to discover ice water on the moon has been recently arrested for spying. The government’s cover story as to why they launched the missiles was that they, the government, were trying to find water on the moon. Of course it was really an attempt to knock out an anti-matter refining plant controlled by the Giant Leap. Well, somehow the arrest of the lunar ice guy within weeks of blasting the moon where the ice guy said there was ice doesn’t hold water. We will continue to follow this developing story.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

NASA LAUNCHES INTERPLANETARY WAR

By Tim Colin
This week NASA will bomb the moon. This will be a first strike against the ancient and very advanced civilization of creatures known as the Giant Leap. Many scientists expect a massive retaliation against North America will follow. This retaliation may affect the future of mankind for thousands of years. Some scientists believe we may not survive the retaliation. Many scientists believe that the lucky ones won’t survive the initial attack by the Giant Leap. Every scientist agrees that an attack by the Giant Leap will have catastrophic effects for mankind.

It is truly ironic that all this tension between our two planets began 40 years ago this month. Neil Armstrong of Apollo 11, was the first human to have direct contact with the Giant Leap. As Neil Armstrong stepped off the ladder that led from his lunar module he said some very garbled words that were immediately fixed to sound like “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” In fact he actually said “One small Leap is as big as a man, one Giant Leap could destroy mankind.”

The two races of Leap’s were waiting to greet the early astronauts. One race was known as the small (or Lesser Leap). The Lesser Leap was a race of slaves who served the Giant (or Giant Leap). All the races of Leap’s were completely covered in mated long tan hair with the exception of one giant eye toward the top of what might be described as a head. The mouth and nose were undistinguishable under the mass of hair. All Leap’s had two arms and hands with three fingers on each. They also had two legs and two feet with three toes on each foot. Overall, a Leap looks just like a big hairball with an eye and two arms and two legs.

The first negotiations between Leaps and humans went fine. NASA was allowed to land on specific spots on the moon in order to carry out research. The problems began when the Giant Leap noticed that NASA kept leaving a lot of debris on the moon after each mission. The Leap had kept the Moon pristine for millions of years but, after just one visit humans had left a mess. Further Apollo missions served to further aggravate the Leaps. Finally, stuff hit the fan when the Leap found that astronauts were dumping their waste on the moon. The Leap felt that this was equivalent to doing number two in a neighbor’s front yard. The Great Council of Leaps decided to ban NASA from ever returning to the moon.

Since NASA has been banned from the moon another great nation called China has been in constant contact with the Giant Leap. The transfer of technological knowledge from the Giant Leap to China has made the Chinese the greatest engine of manufacturing the earth has ever known.

Of course making China a manufacturing powerhouse was really an act of revenge against NASA and the United States. The plumes of poison that bellow out of Chinese smokestacks are destroying the air we breathe and, the stuff made in china is strung across our planet. You would think the Giant Leap would feel by now that they have their revenge against us for littering up the planet with out crap.

Unfortunately, NASA has decided that the Giant Leap are secretly processing anti-matter. Everyone that has ever studied Star Trek in science class knows that anti-matter is the most powerful source of energy in the universe. NASA believes that the Giant Leap is planning to build an anti-matter reactor on the moon. After the reactor is complete it is believed that the Giant Leap will be able to use a projected energy weapon against the Earth or any planet in the solar system thus, making the moon into a death star.

So, we will strike against the Giant Leap before they have completed their project. NASA is going to drop an atomic bomb on the scientific facilities that are set to begin creating anti-matter. According to NASA officials, the anti-matter must be destroyed before it is created. NASA officials point out that even if the Giant Leap don’t attack us directly, it would be terrible if some anti-matter were to one day end up in the hands of terrorists.

Now we all must wait to see if the Giant Leap retaliate after their anti-matter facility is destroyed. NASA has of course put out a lame cover story to pacify any armature astronomers who might happen to see the massive explosion on the moon. NASA has issued a press release stating that the explosion is for gathering moon dust by an orbiting satellite. The satellite will then analyze the dust to see if there is any water present. What is interesting is once the moon dust is supposedly analyzed the satellite will then hurly itself into the bomb’s crater thus, setting off a second explosion. It looks more like NASA wants to make sure the job of destroying the anti-matter facility is completed. If the first bomb only weakens the structure the second bomb will finish it off.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

ALUMINUM FOIL: IT'S NOT JUST FOR DINNER ANYMORE

By Tim Colin
Most people have it. No one admits to owning it but, you can find aluminum foil in the kitchens of billionaires and squatters in foreclosed houses. Most people think aluminum foil is for cooking diner. I decided to test the assertion that aluminum foil is what people cook their dinner in. I have heard that many gourmet chefs serve baked potato which has been wrapped and then cooked in aluminum foil. I even found a recipe that told me how to wrap the potato and to bake it for 8 minutes. I followed these instructions and placed my aluminum wrapped potato in my microwave and pressed start.

After the fire was put out, the fire chief told me to never again put aluminum in a microwave. I told him I had a recipe for baked potato which called for it to be wrapped in aluminum foil. The chief held up his fire ax like he wanted to hit me with it then, just stormed off mumbling the words “stupid idiot under his breath.

It seemed at that point pretty obvious that aluminum foil was never intended for use as a cheap cookware substitute. I had burned up my microwave and my apartment smelled like grandpa Jakes still after he added an old wheel barrel tire to his mash to give his whisky a special kick. He sold a batch of his special kick whiskey to some Chicago bankers who were up north on vacation. Grandpa will be getting out of prison soon after serving 30 years for multiple homicides. The special kick made eight of the bankers kick the bucket.

Of course not only did my apartment stink but, it was drenched with water. It dried out pretty fast though thanks to the fact that I was on the 2nd floor so the water drained quickly down to the apartment below mine. The couple that lived there had no sense of humor. We have not been on good terms since that incident. They seem to still have issues with me. At least that’s what they told the judge when they sued me. The case was dismissed since I didn’t spray the water, the fire department did that. The couple thought I should pay anyway and be a good neighbor.

After my day in court was over I decided to continue to pursue the mysterious use of aluminum foil. I would have pursued the mystery of plastic wrap but, everyone can see right through that stuff (LOL). That was a joke and “LOL” means “Laugh Out Loud” for you people who don’t text. Anyway, my inquiring mind wanted to know what was up with aluminum foil.

I was so desperate to find out about aluminum foil that I did a world wide internet search on MSN. That yielded one result. It was the web page and email address of Agleanonon Bagdhayordapaydadoe who was located in India where, all aluminum foil is made. Mr. B told me that aluminum foil is found under very large elephants who like to show off how tough they are by doing a belly flop on top of 10,000 empty beer cans at once. The beer cans are crushed and fuzed together like they had been nuked. The metal is also, more finely presed than can be done with even the latest in space age technology. Of course the elephants first have to guzzle the contents of the cans during the annual elephant beer drinking contest in Mumbai. You know the one they show on You Tube all the time.

Mr. B went on to tell me that after the finely pressed aluminum is removed from under the elephants, it is carefully cut and wrapped around cardboard cylinders then, sent off to the United States to be sold mostly at neighborhood liquor stores . It then occurred to me that I had no new information. I was back at my neighborhood grocer and coffee place. But then, Mr. B remembered than another major customer was a company called “Brain Search Stoppers”. Mr. B gave me the address of this company and as luck would have it, the company’s world wide headquarters was across the road from my office and next door to the pizza joint that prints $1 off coupons like the government prints money. And, although it is printed on the coupons that they are just like money, my brother Mike lost his house when he tried to pay the rent with $1.00 off coupons. Now he lives like a troll under a bridge.

The president of the company was not in however, his brother was in and was more than willing to talk to me. It seems that the company owner employed his younger brother but, treated him very poorly. The younger brother was made to do all sorts of nasty jobs like running errands and cleaning the bathrooms. The younger brother complained that he received very little pay and even less respect from his older sibling.

I inquired as to what aluminum foil was used for. The brother told me that certain in the know government and big businessmen made turbans out of the foil to keep out mind controlling messages the government sends out each time there’s a full moon. The brother explained that the crazy behavior some people have during a full moon is not because of any gravitational pull or anything else to do with the moon. The crazy behavior is just a bad reaction to the mind controlling signals the government is sending out. The brother went on to explain that the rich and powerful know all this and that is why they make an aluminum turban each time the moon is full. To make sure they are never without the aluminum material to make a turban, aluminum foil has been marketed to everyone as something to cook with even though you can’t use it in a microwave.

I asked the brother if he knew what the messages were about that were being broadcast by the government. The man said he had no idea but, he had heard that they had something to do with aliens from another world and spaceships. He said he did not know anymore.

So there you have it. Aluminum foil is only good about once a month when the moon is full, to keep out some government signal sent into our brains that has something to do with outer space life forms. Personally, I will be stocking up on aluminum foil and taking some everywhere I go. I’ll also be looking at the moon cycles on the calendar a lot more closely. The next time the moon is full I’m going to wrap my head like a baked potato.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

THE MONSTER ON THE MOON

By Tim Collin
Recently, we celebrated the 40Th anniversary of the first humans to land on the moon. What I cannot believe is that after 40 years, what is unbelievable is that we do not have a moon colony at the present time. In fact, there is a great debate as to whether or not we should ever go back to the moon. The thought that mankind will never go back to the moon is very troubling. It takes the wind out of your sails when you’re shooting alien beings on your computer at work. It’s like life does not matter at all since you will never get the chance to kill real space aliens or blast off into space with hot chicks like O’hora, Seven of Nine or, Topal. Is this the end for manned space flight? Will emasculated space drones be the only connection humans have with the great infinity which is space?


But wait, there is an alternate argument put forward by none other than the first astronauts to land on the moon. These men argue that instead of going to the moon we should simply skip the moon and do not pass go and, go directly to Mars. The original astronauts to the moon seem emphatic that we should not return to the moon but, should go directly to Mars although, Mars is at best a little over six months from Earth and the moon is at most three days. In addition, blasting off a mission to Mars from the moon would be cheaper, much more energy efficient and, just plain super smart compared to blasting off from Earth which amounts to sitting on a keg of gun powder and lighting a fuse with the hope of going up.

After an extensive investigation, there seems there is a reason our former moon walkers and our government never wants to travel back to the moon. To find the answer you need go no further than Buzz Aldrin's’ speech when he first set foot on the moon way back in 1969. He said this is “One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” It is so obvious. What is a “Giant Leap”? The speech had nothing to do with the articulation of the feet. Instead, Buzz actually meant that this was first contact with an alien race. The name of this moon based race was “Giant Leap”. We need context to explain the disaster that was our first contact.

We Americans of course, don’t care about what the Chinese people do. What we do care about is the new virtual oriented machines that are coming out of China. Communicating with each other and games are the backbone of the American lifestyle. Of course, the Giant Leap are the greatest makers of video games and communications equipment in the galaxy. This is logical. The Giant Leap live on the moon. There is no more baron place than our moon. It's dry, dusty and does not even have an atmosphere.There is nothing to do on the moon except perfect video games and cell phones.

Well, it seems American astronauts for some reason, are afraid of the Leap. However, China has announced plans to go to the moon and take it over but,in reality they will just be helping to set up factories on the moon which will be run by the Giant Leap.

China makes no bones about it's unholy alliance with the moon aliens known as the Giant Leap. The Giant Leaps have many slaves available amongst the other creatures on the moon known as the little leaps. The little leaps will be making the stuff that the Chinese can export all over the world and make great profits. The technology of the Giant Leap and the factory efficiency of the Chinese. The next generation of techno nerds will have games we can only dream about. Perhaps our astronauts will be playing these games on their long trip to Mars.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

NASA LAUNCHES ATTACK AGAINST MOON MONSTERS

NASA has bombed the moon. This is a first strike against the ancient and very advanced civilization of creatures known as the Giant Leap. Many scientists expect a massive retaliation against North America will follow. This retaliation may affect the future of mankind for thousands of years. Some scientists believe we may not survive the retaliation. Many scientists believe that the lucky ones won’t survive the initial attack by the Giant Leap. Every scientist agrees that an attack by the Giant Leap will have catastrophic effects for mankind.

It is truly ironic that all this tension between our two planets began 40 years ago this month. Commander Buzz Alden of Apollo 11 was the first human to have direct contact with the Giant Leap. As Buzz stepped off the ladder that led from his lunar module he said some very garbled words that were immediately fixed to sound like “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” In fact he actually said “One small leap is as big as a man, one Giant Leap could destroy mankind.”

The two races of Leap’s were waiting to greet the early astronauts. One race was known as the small (or Lesser Leap). The Lesser Leap was a race of slaves who served the Giant (or Giant Leap). All the races of Leap’s were completely covered in mated long tan hair with the exception of one giant eye toward the top of what might be described as a head. The mouth and nose were undistinguishable under the mass of hair. All Leap’s had two arms and hands with three fingers on each. They also had two legs and two feet with three toes on each foot. Overall, a Leap looks just like a big hairball with an eye and two arms and two legs.

The first negotiations between Leaps and humans went fine. NASA was allowed to land on specific spots on the moon in order to carry out research. The problems began when the Giant Leap noticed that NASA kept leaving a lot of debris on the moon after each mission. The Leap had kept the Moon pristine for millions of years but, after just one visit humans had left a mess. Further Apollo missions served to further aggravate the Leaps. Finally, stuff hit the fan when the Leap found that astronauts were dumping their waste on the moon. The Leap felt that this was equivalent to doing number two in a neighbor’s front yard. The Great Council of Leaps decided to ban NASA from ever returning to the moon.

Since NASA has been banned from the moon another great nation called China has been in constant contact with the Giant Leap. The transfer of technological knowledge from the Giant Leap to China has made the Chinese the greatest engine of manufacturing the earth has ever known.

Of course making China a manufacturing powerhouse was really an act of revenge against NASA and the United States. The plumes of poison that bellow out of Chinese smokestacks are destroying the air we breathe and, the stuff made in china is strung across our planet. You would think the Giant Leap would feel by now that they have their revenge against us for littering up the planet with out crap.
Unfortunately, NASA has decided that the Giant Leap are secretly processing anti-matter. Everyone that has ever studied Star Trek in science class knows that anti-matter is the most powerful source of energy in the universe. NASA believes that the Giant Leap is planning to build an anti-matter reactor on the moon. After the reactor is complete it is believed that the Giant Leap will be able to use a projected energy weapon against the Earth or any planet in the solar system thus, making the moon into a death star.

So, we will strike against the Giant Leap before they have completed their project. NASA is going to drop an atomic bomb on the scientific facilities that are set to begin creating anti-matter. According to NASA officials, the anti-matter must be destroyed before it is created. NASA officials point out that even if the Giant Leap don’t attack us directly, it would be terrible if some anti-matter were to one day end up in the hands of terrorists.

Now we all must wait to see if the Giant Leap retaliate after their anti-matter facility is destroyed. NASA has of course put out a lame cover story to pacify any armature astronomers who might happen to see the massive explosion on the moon. NASA has issued a press release stating that the explosion is for gathering moon dust by an orbiting satellite. The satellite will then analyze the dust to see if there is any water present. What is interesting is once the moon dust is supposedly analyzed the satellite will then hurly itself into the bomb’s crater thus, setting off a second explosion. It looks more like NASA wants to make sure the job of destroying the anti-matter facility is completed. If the first bomb only weakens the structure the second bomb will finish it off.

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