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Thursday, February 1, 2024

THE MATADOR FROM OUTER SPACE

By Ted Colin
A 1973 AMC Matador sports vehicle recently turned up in Midland Michigan. What got my attention to this news is that the owner said it was delivered by space aliens in pristine condition and that anything made by the late car maker AMC is even in existence anywhere especially, a Matador. The Matador is a mysterious car because there were millions of them sold and they only ran on one speed (down hill). One bragging point for the Matador was that they never stalled out. Of course no one actually ever got one started but, they made a nice conversation piece for a lawn ornament. Neighbors would often call them an eyesore; wild animals would often call them home.

On my way to Midland to investigate the space/time anomaly, I decided to take a quick detour to visit one of the first scientists to observe peculiarities in the structure of the vehicle known as the Matador. The name of the scientist is Dr. Harry Weirman and he is currently a resident/client in the nation’s number one correctional facility for the psychopathic and homicidal maniacs who are incurably insane. The name of this facility is Grand Rapids Michigan.

When you enter the Grand Rapids facility you might think the complex is some sort of modern city with buildings and highways running through it. This is really just an illusion of being in a normal urban environment. It keeps the patients calm. Of course the sane person upon entering the facility immediately notices that the highways have only off ramps. There are no on ramps so no one can ever escape. I thought to myself that Rod Serling must have designed this place because it definitely reminded me of some lost episode of “The Twilight Zone”.

When I had asked for permission from the Supreme Court of the United States to visit the Grand Rapids facility they instructed me to make sure I visited Meijer Gardens because it is an excellent place to visit and besides, Dr. Weirman worked there with the flora. When I arrived at Meijer Gardens I was struck by the absolute beauty of the place. When I got out of my car to go meet Dr. Weirman I noticed that many of the inmates were wearing wooden shoes. At first I thought that they wore wooden shoes because the facility was first started by the Dutch. Later on I was told that the wooden shoes were akin to a rubber room. Evidently, some of the inmates liked to try to inflict pain upon them by stubbing their toes.

Normally, when I leave my vehicle I do not lock the doors. I already hocked anything of value in it for food and the outside was almost completely covered with rust so no one would steal it to sell. I was a little afraid that one of the inmates might decide to try to escape or go for a joy ride with my vehicle and then I would have to sell my left kidney to get home (I sold my right kidney last year for a trip to Disney World”. I hope to soon get a new kidney from China to replace my old one I sold. The last one I bought on line from China turned out to be a kidney from a tuna fish. In addition, when I unpacked the liver after delivery, it stunk something terrible. Evidently the tuna liver spoiled since it was packed in water and not in oil.

After locking my vehicle (unfortunately I locked the keys inside), I was greeted by several inmates who were dressed up as policemen. They told me that my vehicle looked dangerous and it should be off the road. I replied that it could not be too dangerous because it had a top speed with the wind at its back and going downhill of just 45 mph.

The police (inmate) then asked me if I intended on staying around long and I replied that I was there by order of the Supreme Court of the United States to interview Dr. Weirman. One of the inmates escorted me to the place where Dr. Weirman was supposed to be working but, he was a no show that day. It seems Dr. Weirman decided the night before to cure his constipation by eating a raw chicken. Unfortunately his prescription for a good bowl movement worked way to well and he ended up in the hospital facilities almost dead from severe dehydration and massive internal organ displacement.

While I was waiting for someone to get me a wire clothes hanger so I could unlock my car door and get to my keys, I received a text message from Dr. Weirman in which he expressed his regret on not being able to meet me. He also said that the 1973 Matador was ugly and poorly made however; it was the perfect vehicle for time travel especially if there were an Egyptian pyramid nearby or some giant tower which was filled with treated water from Lake Huron. This was a eureka moment for me because I knew that the city of Midland must have water towers and I surmised that the water that was drank there came from Lake Huron. The only thing I did not know for sure was whether or not the water in Midland was treated. For purposes of keeping this adventure under budget (I don’t have much money for gas) we will just say that Midland does treat their water and hence this 1973 Matador I was going to see does have the ability to travel in time.

In respect to time and travel, I was beginning to feel like it was taking an awful long time to get to Midland from Grand Rapids. I pulled off at a McDonalds and looked my map.
It seems like I had mixed up the cities of Grand Rapids and Big Rapids. That meant I would be traveling an additional 200 miles that day.

Finally, I arrived in Midland Michigan and at the home of Ben Braggin, the owner of the Matador. The Matador was sitting in the front yard of his house. It had a white top and the rest of the body was painted blue with a white race stripe down each side. When I got out of the car Ben Braggin was right there to meet me.

“Hi I’m Ben Braggin,” he said. “You must be Ted Colin. You re the person that attended my online video conference about my Matador that was returned to me from outer space. I should not have had it during the dinner hours then; maybe someone else would have attended.”

“Well I’m certainly glad I attended,” I responded. “Furthermore, after checking with a scientific expert in the field of space/time continuum anomalies, I now have a conclusive saved text message on my phone that proves that the 1973 Matador is capable of time travel.” In fact it was used as the basis for all those movies in the 1980’s about a time traveling Delorean.

Ben Braggin told me that he had been all across the universe and visited every single place at every single moment of time. When I saw his 1993 Matador I could see it had a lot of wear and tear build into it. The doors were all rusted shut so I never did get inside to drive her to a galaxy far, far and away

Soon I was on my way home so I stopped in Clare Michigan to see if at least I could end this investigation with a good bar fight. Well the young Irish girl that picked a fight with me kicked me so hard in certain places that I won’t ever have to worry about having children.

Addendum: It turns out that the 1973 Matador is now missing again. This might have something to do with the current prices of scrap metal.

Thursday, January 25, 2024

THE LAVA MONSTER

By Ted Colin
Recently I met a lady at a bar named Emma DeLusional. Emma was an attractive blond lady and was about 30 years old. She claimed to have seen a Lava Monster down near the border between Michigan and Ohio. I asked her how there could be a lava monster in Michigan when we don’t have any active volcanoes.

“But, we do have an active volcano in Michigan,” she argued. I used to work at the power plant where the volcano was active.”

“Well, tell me about it,” I begged.

“Why should you care?” she asked.

I gave her my business card and said, “You see I work for the Humor News Nuts bloging organization. We like to cover stories that no legitimate news organization will touch and I am sure from what you’ve told me, no one else would even listen to your story.”

Emma sighed, took a deep breath and then began telling her tale. “I was chief of security at the Big Lava Power and Light company plant down near Detroit. I was in charge of keeping people out of the plant: you know people like terrorist, news reporters, government inspectors and, other nasty people that might try to stop power generation at the Big Lava Power and Light plant. Of course one main reason we didn’t want anyone nosing around our facility was that enclosed deep within the main building we had a captive lava monster. The lava monster crash landed his spacecraft near Detroit in about 1910.

In 1910 the auto manufacturers were just starting up but, they needed a steady source of power to keep their factories running at peak capacity. Well, the only source of energy back in those days was animal dung and there were just not enough animals in the mid-west to produce the required energy. But, just as all the automobile factories were getting ready to retool and start producing horses and buggies again, the lava monster landed right in the lap of the mid-west industrialist. The automotive industry was saved and once the lava monster started giving off energy at full capacity the automobile industry expanded exponentially. In fact, there was so much energy being put out by the lava monster that plants were built to produce not just automobiles but sewing machines as well.”

At this point I just had to interrupt Emma because some of the things she was saying needed some clarification otherwise I knew my readers would not take me seriously. “First of all Emma I understand the need for a good steady source of energy for the industrialization of not just the Detroit area but, the entire Mid-West. Everyone knows from their high school history class that dung was the primary heat source and even building material for most of the previous ten million years of human history. The very first ancient alien astronauts to visit the Earth probably used animal dung to power their spaceships. Certainly Noah himself brought all those animals on board his spacecraft in order to preserve the very creatures who would create dung to heat human homes and to rebuild human habitation long after the world had been flooded with fluoridated water. But, what I want to know is how the lava monster was captured and what happened to the lava monster? After all, his demise could be what has brought our entire economy to the brink of collapse.”

“The way the economic collapse occurred is exactly what I’ve been trying to tell you about but, I’ve been sitting here at the bar all day and I’m getting tired so my mind is kind of wandering. You see I have these curtains at home that need to be sewn- up because they’re dragging on the floor. But, I won’t talk about sewing anymore. Instead I’ll just tell you about how we captured the lava monster.

The idea of how to capture the lava monster came from a meeting of the big car company executives. At that meeting way back in 1911 the executives decided to use a tried and true technique for capturing any type of fire monster. It was a technique that had been around since the dark ages and had been used by kings and saucers to capture creatures like fire breathing dragons. You see fire breathers of all sorts have a penchant for toasting marshmallows. They just can’t resist those big, white, sugary snacks that taste so good especially when melted and placed between two gram crackers along with a chocolate bar. If you ever noticed when you have a crackling camp fire and you stick a nice luscious marshmallow over the fire to roast that the fire just leaps right up at the marshmallow? Heck a lot of the time the fire leaps up and catches the marshmallow on fire.”

“I have noticed that,” I replied.

“Well, the automotive executives got an entire convoy of horse drawn wagons full of marshmallows to lead the lava monster away from its crash site and to the building where it was imprisoned. And, it wasn’t easy to imprison a million ton monster made up of molten rock. But, what the executives did was to build a titanium prison up, over and, underneath the molten lava monster. You see the lava monster was made up of molten iron with a fusion reactor at its core which also doubles as a brain. Once inside the titanium walls, floors and, ceiling the lava monster was ours. Of course just to be on the safe side truckloads of marshmallows were delivered everyday to the incarcerated lava monster and the sugary product seemed to calm him down as he burnt each marshmallow to a crisp.

Now everything went well for nearly a century but about two years ago I got this call from an old boyfriend named Bill. I really liked this guy but I was never really able to impress him to the point where he would tie the knot. Bill owns a chocolate candy bar and gram cracker factory in Dearborn so, if I landed him as a husband I’d be sitting pretty when it comes to finances. Well old Bill called me up to find out where he could get his hands on about 50 tons of marshmallows ASAP. It seemed that Bill wanted to branch out his company with a brand new product known as lemon flavored smores. Bill had bought up an entire shipload of spoiled lemons and he already had the chocolate bars and the gram crackers but, alas he had no marshmallows and the country where marshmallows are grown had just gone into some sort of civil war so marshmallows were nearly impossible to come by in the open market. Bill said he knew that at the plant where I was in charge of security the very last shipment of marshmallows had been sent. He begged me to send him the shipment. Well, I did a real no, no and said I would send him the marshmallows

Now I sent Bill every single last marshmallow hoping that the lava monster would just behave and he did behave for the first couple of hours but then the lava monster started to become agitated. Suddenly, lava was slopping and slapping against the titaninium walls. The lava monster went all around the structure slapping the walls like he was looking for something. And, he was looking for something and that was a weakness in the wall. Of course after several hours of testing the wall for vulnerability he found it. It seems someone had incorrectly made a small portion of the wall so that the titaninium was actually just plain iron. It was just a small little scratch in the wall not more that about six inches long but, that was enough for the lava monster to squeeze it’s entire massive molten self through.

Soon the creature was heading east toward Lake Erie. I and my subordinates from the plant followed him as closely as we could just try to see where he was going. When the lava monster reached Lake Erie it stoped for just a moment. I don’t believe that on the planet the lava monster came from there is any water because he seemed to be a bit confused. It was like he didn’t know what he was looking at but, he knew he had to cross lake eerie and get to Canada which was on the other side of the lake. It seems that over the years the monster had probably heard of people swimming across Lake Erie to Canada to avoid being drafted. At any rate, the monster bolted head long into the lake and the lake began to boil. There was sizzling spitting water and steam rising up all over the place. I’m not sure if the lava monster felt any pain in those last few moments but, it was not long before the boiling water and steam subsided and nothing could be seen but the cool, cold waters of Lake Erie. The lava creature had no fire left in him and was now just an iron stature on the bottom of Lake Erie.”

I waited for a while to make sure that Emma was done with her story and then I said “So that’s how it all ended. That’s how America lost its automobile making capabilities.”

“That’s how we lost it but, we’re getting it back. You see there are other lava monsters that have landed here on Earth. Germany has one, Japan has another and India has two. It is rumored that China has at least ten lava monsters in captivity which is helping to power their economic boom. Luckily for us, China has lent us a couple of lava monsters to keep for a while. We hope to breed them so we can have our own little lava monster to bring back our economic vitality. The civil war has ended in the country that grows all the marshmallows so we now have plenty of food to keep our next lava monster happy.”

Thursday, January 18, 2024

I SAVED EARTH FROM THE SPACE-MONKEY AND HIS ENORMOUS ASTEROID

The Space-Monkey As He Steers His Asteroid Toward Earth. 
HOW I SAVED PLANET EARTH FROM A SPACE-MONKEY 

I am Shiva, Destroyer of Your World.  I'm writing on this blog in order to communicate with my fellow off-world alien rats.  It seems that my spacecraft is now lying at the bottom of a Russian lake so I have no way to directly communicate with my home world.  I know that occasionally all web sites on planet earth are scanned by alien worlds to look for hidden messages from agents.

the problem is that Earth Space Command is now monitoring websites for alien messages.  Of course a website has to be one that someone on earth occasionally reads before it shows up on space commands radar so to speak.  Luckily, this website has never been read by anyone so space command will never find my messages to my home world.  Even the contributors to this site never read it as is evidenced by all the serious grammatical and spelling errors found across all the postings.

Now getting back to the details of my report;   as I said my wrecked spacecraft is now lying on the bottom of a Russian lake.  Thousands of videographers witnessed the remnants of my ship roaring across the skies of the Russian Federation leaving behind it a trail of fire and smoke.  There was a massive sonic blast which devastated windows in buildings a hundred miles away.  Yet, after all that pyrotechnic display everyone on this planet thinks that a mere meteorite crashed into a Russian lake (humans have such a limited imagination).    Of course the lack of imagination that humans have to process alternative narratives to those given by the media is fortunate for space aliens.  However, sometimes their acceptance of corny explanations regarding the things they see and hear is really beyond belief.
It is of course bad enough that humans accept simple narratives for some really remarkable observances but, their ignorance in finding coincidence where it obviously exists is really astounding.

Of course, I am referring to the fact that not only was there a  crash of an alien spacecraft in a lake that was witnessed by millions but, at the same time a massive planet killing asteroid barely missed the earth.  "Coincidence" was the word used by the scientists and media to explain the crash of a meteorite (my little star-ship) and the near death experience of the planet.   Earth nerds are so not cool.  I understand humans are easily fooled in matters regarding science, technology and history however, I wish humans would appreciate the fact that I sacrificed my way back to my home world in order to stop a really nasty space monkey from crashing a massive rock right into the planet earth.  I barely escaped death myself and I have a terrible space-monkey bite mark on my tail which reminds me every time I prat around in a sewer that, I had a run-in with an ill-tempered space-monkey.

Now it was not long ago that it was announced by earth media that a giant asteroid was approaching earth. Of course human scientists knew that the asteroid was not approaching but instead, it was heading directly toward the little blue humanoid infested ball.  I of course had advanced computational systems on board my spacecraft which indicated to me that the earth was doomed and it was time for this rat to abandon the earth ship.

Of course I would have been happy to get off this planet for good however, because I had not completed my mission I thought I might have a problem explaining to my superiors back on my home world that I had failed.  They would have no doubt wondered why I just didn't go up and redirect the asteroid away from the planet.

My superiors have been chomping on my tail lately because I haven’t found a certain multiverse travel machine (A 1973 Volkswagen Pop-Top Camper).  My rat race is currently poised to completely take over this universe including all points in time with a newly discovered time machine (A 1974 AMC Matador Coup).  The Volkswagen would allow them the opportunity of taking over all the
infinite number of universes.

With no good excuse to let the humanoids and their planet be annihilated, I decided to take my ship up to the asteroid and figure out what I would need to do to redirect it.  Because the asteroid was nearby my trip was a short one.  I landed on the asteroid in a pocket which had earth air and gravity.  I knew that earth air and gravity had to be generated artificially so I started looking around for the source of the environmental enigma and the intelligent life I knew had to be behind it.
It did not take me long to find the aforementioned source:  It was a little cave, about one meter wide that led into the asteroid.  I followed the cave feeling a bit like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz human fantasy story and like Dorothy confronting the great Oz I confronted at the end of the tunnel a high technology laden cavern with a monkey sitting at a control panel which seemed quaintly ancient with hundreds of toggle switches, levers and blinking red and green lights.  I knew that this space monkey was clearly not up-to-date on his earth electronics when I saw a “Made In Japan” label on his computer console. I didn’t know how I was going to tell the little guy that the electronics hay-day sun had set on the Empire of Japan and that Chairman Mao’s communist China was the place to buy your current computer toys.

“Pardon me,” I said, “I am Shiva Destroyer Of Worlds.  Who are you and what are you doing?”

The monkey swiveled around in his black office chair and confronted me in the most vicious tone, “I am designated as “Space Monkey Zero”, the first monkey assigned by earth scientists to leave the solar system.  I was deep frozen and sent off on Voyager I with the hope that if some alien spacecraft were to come across me I would be thawed and brought back to life.  It was hoped that because of my superior intellect that I would act as an ambassador of goodwill to the aliens who revived me.  You see I am not just a monkey.  I have the DNA of the most intelligent creature on planet earth spliced into my chromosomes.”

“Don’t tell me your part human!,” I exclaimed with disbelief.

“Of course not,” answered the monkey.  “I have the DNA of a rat in my cells.  You and I are like cousins.  So, you must realize why exterminating a race of beings descended from toads like humans is a good thing on every level.  Humans are just nasty creatures.  They pee on you when you squeeze them. Each one releases tons of toxic methane gas into the atmosphere every year.  They certainly have not treated our rat brethren kindly and most of all they have treated my monkey cousins even worse; casting us off to explore dangerous uncharted worlds in order to save themselves casualties from mission’s cowardly humans would never dream of making.  Missions like my own cast-away mission into deep space with an almost zero chance of survival.  I was expendable to the humans.  Now all humans are expendable to me.  Ha! Ha! Ha!”

“Well listen space monkey; I don’t have time for all this.  I have to destroy this asteroid and save earth so I can continue to look for the multiverse machine which not only guarantees my kind mastery of all universes but, guarantees that I can return home and see my kids.  When all is said and done I couldn't give a rat’s rear about this planet but, I do want to go home empty handed so stay out of my way space monkey.  I have a planet to save.”  

"I will never let you stop me space-monkey.  For all my family has been sent out there into space and I will never see them again."

"But, what about your sister?  She is on Voyager II.  She needs you somewhere way out there in space."  

 While the space-monkey was preoccupied with thinking about his lost sister  I ran as fast as I could toward the space monkey and the control panel but suddenly the monkey hit a toggle switch and the entire control panel blew up.  I could smell melted circuits and observed several broken vacuum tubes on the floor.  I knew then that the space monkey had destroyed any hope I had of diverting the asteroid away from the earth using his technology.

“Now why did you do that space monkey?” I asked.

“Because even though I love my sister I think that now the earth must die.  I will have my revenge upon the monsters who made me a monster.  Maybe with humans gone monkeys or rats or some other superior species will rise up and become worthy space and time travelers.  Maybe something better will arise out of the human extinction.  I think I've done good today.”

I was really peeved but, I knew the little twerp was just acting out of some  earth-creature inclination of melodrama.  Earth creatures always want stuff to have some deeper meaning when maybe they should be a little more shallow and accept the obvious. “Listen space monkey, I am still going to stop this but, if you don’t want to be marooned on this rock forever you need to come with me in my spacecraft right now.  Come on monkey, this is your last chance.’

“Sorry Space-rat but I’m going down with this stone.  My last thoughts will be those of pure satisfaction. For I will know that the progeny of those who tossed me into space will have their futures blow up in their faces.”

Suit yourself monkey,”  I said.  I then ran back to my spacecraft and quickly mounted the pilot’s seat.  I manually engaged the port side thrusters while maintaining my aft rudder in neutral.  The asteroid began to shimmy but, my thruster was not able to push the big rock into a trajectory that would miss the earth.  I needed more thrust to move the asteroid and I knew that the only way to create such a push was to detonate the tachyon hyper flight vale casing.  Of course that would move the asteroid but it would cause my spacecraft to go hurdling toward the earth.  I let it be so and away my ship flew toward the earth and away the asteroid and space monkey were pushed out into a non-threatening trajectory.  I and my spacecraft went hurdling through earth’s atmosphere.  Of course all the while my spaceship burned on the outside it became hotter and hotter on the inside until my hair began to singe.  I dismounted the pilot’s chair and jumped into a nearby spacesuit.  I didn't think I had much chance since I had the spacesuit made in by Enron and I had never tested it.  Anyway, I jumped out of my spacecraft which was now little more than a fireball traveling at Mach 10 and hurdling down toward a Russian lake.

My spacecraft as it plummeted into a Russian lake. 

Well, there you have it.  I saved the earth and my spacecraft is a big melted ball of plastic and caramelized papier-mâché lying at the bottom of a Russian lake.  l  am not proud to have save humankind but, maybe I can find the multiverse ship and return home to my many hundreds of spouses; not to mention my offspring.  

"One day I will return home"-Shiva.


         

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