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Monday, January 4, 2016

INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION DECLARES INDEPENDENCE FROM EARTH

Artist Concept of a Great Leap
By Tim Colin
Editor, HNN Online Publications

This is breaking news.   It is being reported today in the early morning hours that the International Space Station has formally declared that it is an independent nation and will sever all ties with the planet earth.  This reporter has come by this exclusive story via a private written communication.   I came by this communication while reading private written communications on the back door of the second stall in Braden's Bar located in downtown Boyne City.  This story was buried within many local gossip stories and quips about the personal hygiene and dating habits of certain local individuals.   

I can vouch for this being a new news story since the doors on the bathroom stalls at Braden's Bar get freshly painted over every Thursday.  Bar Management says the fresh coat of paint each week is intended to make room for up to date news reports and not to eliminate complaints from patrons who may not want their personal information shared with the public.    Bar management tells me that "Freedom of the Press" is sacrosanct and the back of the stall door is where most local residents get most of their press news.  Of course yours truly checks out the stalls every Monday morning and I edit out with a black marker any unflattering lies and insinuations about yours truly.   Unfortunately, most of the misinformation about yours’s truly is in the women's bathroom and I have to sneak in there or else I'll receive a reprimand from bar management if I get caught.

In regards to the ISS declaring its independence from earth, I have found few if any other references to their mutiny so I'll just have to say that this sudden action by the ISS is most likely the result of an alien influence.  This influence or more likely takeover has probably been carried out by either Martians or by an intelligent species that inhabits the moon known as "The Great Leap."  These two species are the closest known intelligent inhabitants to the planet earth and therefor have the most to gain from its conquest.   However, I do not believe that hostile takeover has been orchestrated by Martians since they are too addicted to tobacco products to ever accomplish much of anything.  It is said they just muck around all day on Mars smoking cigarettes and playing tetherball.  

Now, the creatures on the moon known as "The Great Leap" are much more likely to be the instigators of the ISS plot against earth.  The Great Leap might feel a need to get revenge against earth since a few years ago the U.S. launched nuclear strikes against Great Leap subterranean cities on the moon in the hope of destroying the Great Leap's ability to wage war upon the earth.  Well, with this latest news from the International Space Station it looks as though the attempts to thwart an invasion of earth by The Great Leap has only spurred them on to seek revenge. 

So, what should you do to prepare for the looming invasion by The Great Leap?  Well, the first thing you should do is prepare for war by purchasing lots of guns and ammunition along with dry goods that can be easily stored for decades. 
The second thing you should do is to run and hide.  Of course I understand that running and hiding may not be the brave thing to do but, take it from me, it is the survivalist’s thing to do.  After all, mice and rats have been running and hiding for tens of millions of years and look how it's worked out for them:  they're still surviving and everyone screams when they see the mice and rats go scampering off into walls.  Mice and rats have truly made it to the upper rung of the evolutionary ladder because few other creatures can create such terror simply by running away.    
Now, the third thing you should do when the Great Leap invade is to hug you spouse and kids and tell them goodbye for the great leap are coming to kill them and probably will eat them alive. 

Lastly, you should position your family members in front of you because you don't want them to watch you being torn apart by The Great Leap.  Also, while you family is being killed and devoured by the moon monsters you might get a chance to slip away.   After all, you can always get a new spouse and kids but, you can't replace yourself if you're dead.

For my part, I’m getting the word out about the ensuing invasion by the Great Leap by first publishing it on the internet.   Of course after it has been read by about five people this story will undoubtedly be censured by all the governments and internet search engines of the world for having offensive content.  Space aliens seem to have a lot of influence over what gets published and read on the internet. 
In addition to my online trumpeting of the ensuing invasion I will be busy visiting bathrooms in all the bars and restaurants I can get to in order to place the news directly in the public's eye and where most people get the really important news.  And, this important story certainly deserves to be told there.  

Sunday, March 30, 2014

I SAVED EARTH FROM THE SPACE-MONKEY AND HIS ENORMOUS ASTEROID

The Space-Monkey As He Steers His Asteroid Toward Earth. 
HOW I SAVED PLANET EARTH FROM A SPACE-MONKEY 

I am Shiva, Destroyer of Your World.  I'm writing on this blog in order to communicate with my fellow off-world alien rats.  It seems that my spacecraft is now lying at the bottom of a Russian lake so I have no way to directly communicate with my home world.  I know that occasionally all web sites on planet earth are scanned by alien worlds to look for hidden messages from agents.

the problem is that Earth Space Command is now monitoring websites for alien messages.  Of course a website has to be one that someone on earth occasionally reads before it shows up on space commands radar so to speak.  Luckily, this website has never been read by anyone so space command will never find my messages to my home world.  Even the contributors to this site never read it as is evidenced by all the serious grammatical and spelling errors found across all the postings.

Now getting back to the details of my report;   as I said my wrecked spacecraft is now lying on the bottom of a Russian lake.  Thousands of videographers witnessed the remnants of my ship roaring across the skies of the Russian Federation leaving behind it a trail of fire and smoke.  There was a massive sonic blast which devastated windows in buildings a hundred miles away.  Yet, after all that pyrotechnic display everyone on this planet thinks that a mere meteorite crashed into a Russian lake (humans have such a limited imagination).    Of course the lack of imagination that humans have to process alternative narratives to those given by the media is fortunate for space aliens.  However, sometimes their acceptance of corny explanations regarding the things they see and hear is really beyond belief.
It is of course bad enough that humans accept simple narratives for some really remarkable observances but, their ignorance in finding coincidence where it obviously exists is really astounding.

Of course, I am referring to the fact that not only was there a  crash of an alien spacecraft in a lake that was witnessed by millions but, at the same time a massive planet killing asteroid barely missed the earth.  "Coincidence" was the word used by the scientists and media to explain the crash of a meteorite (my little star-ship) and the near death experience of the planet.   Earth nerds are so not cool.  I understand humans are easily fooled in matters regarding science, technology and history however, I wish humans would appreciate the fact that I sacrificed my way back to my home world in order to stop a really nasty space monkey from crashing a massive rock right into the planet earth.  I barely escaped death myself and I have a terrible space-monkey bite mark on my tail which reminds me every time I prat around in a sewer that, I had a run-in with an ill-tempered space-monkey.

Now it was not long ago that it was announced by earth media that a giant asteroid was approaching earth. Of course human scientists knew that the asteroid was not approaching but instead, it was heading directly toward the little blue humanoid infested ball.  I of course had advanced computational systems on board my spacecraft which indicated to me that the earth was doomed and it was time for this rat to abandon the earth ship.

Of course I would have been happy to get off this planet for good however, because I had not completed my mission I thought I might have a problem explaining to my superiors back on my home world that I had failed.  They would have no doubt wondered why I just didn't go up and redirect the asteroid away from the planet.

My superiors have been chomping on my tail lately because I haven’t found a certain multiverse travel machine (A 1973 Volkswagen Pop-Top Camper).  My rat race is currently poised to completely take over this universe including all points in time with a newly discovered time machine (A 1974 AMC Matador Coup).  The Volkswagen would allow them the opportunity of taking over all the
infinite number of universes.

With no good excuse to let the humanoids and their planet be annihilated, I decided to take my ship up to the asteroid and figure out what I would need to do to redirect it.  Because the asteroid was nearby my trip was a short one.  I landed on the asteroid in a pocket which had earth air and gravity.  I knew that earth air and gravity had to be generated artificially so I started looking around for the source of the environmental enigma and the intelligent life I knew had to be behind it.
It did not take me long to find the aforementioned source:  It was a little cave, about one meter wide that led into the asteroid.  I followed the cave feeling a bit like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz human fantasy story and like Dorothy confronting the great Oz I confronted at the end of the tunnel a high technology laden cavern with a monkey sitting at a control panel which seemed quaintly ancient with hundreds of toggle switches, levers and blinking red and green lights.  I knew that this space monkey was clearly not up-to-date on his earth electronics when I saw a “Made In Japan” label on his computer console. I didn’t know how I was going to tell the little guy that the electronics hay-day sun had set on the Empire of Japan and that Chairman Mao’s communist China was the place to buy your current computer toys.

“Pardon me,” I said, “I am Shiva Destroyer Of Worlds.  Who are you and what are you doing?”

The monkey swiveled around in his black office chair and confronted me in the most vicious tone, “I am designated as “Space Monkey Zero”, the first monkey assigned by earth scientists to leave the solar system.  I was deep frozen and sent off on Voyager I with the hope that if some alien spacecraft were to come across me I would be thawed and brought back to life.  It was hoped that because of my superior intellect that I would act as an ambassador of goodwill to the aliens who revived me.  You see I am not just a monkey.  I have the DNA of the most intelligent creature on planet earth spliced into my chromosomes.”

“Don’t tell me your part human!,” I exclaimed with disbelief.

“Of course not,” answered the monkey.  “I have the DNA of a rat in my cells.  You and I are like cousins.  So, you must realize why exterminating a race of beings descended from toads like humans is a good thing on every level.  Humans are just nasty creatures.  They pee on you when you squeeze them. Each one releases tons of toxic methane gas into the atmosphere every year.  They certainly have not treated our rat brethren kindly and most of all they have treated my monkey cousins even worse; casting us off to explore dangerous uncharted worlds in order to save themselves casualties from mission’s cowardly humans would never dream of making.  Missions like my own cast-away mission into deep space with an almost zero chance of survival.  I was expendable to the humans.  Now all humans are expendable to me.  Ha! Ha! Ha!”

“Well listen space monkey; I don’t have time for all this.  I have to destroy this asteroid and save earth so I can continue to look for the multiverse machine which not only guarantees my kind mastery of all universes but, guarantees that I can return home and see my kids.  When all is said and done I couldn't give a rat’s rear about this planet but, I do want to go home empty handed so stay out of my way space monkey.  I have a planet to save.”  

"I will never let you stop me space-monkey.  For all my family has been sent out there into space and I will never see them again."

"But, what about your sister?  She is on Voyager II.  She needs you somewhere way out there in space."  

 While the space-monkey was preoccupied with thinking about his lost sister  I ran as fast as I could toward the space monkey and the control panel but suddenly the monkey hit a toggle switch and the entire control panel blew up.  I could smell melted circuits and observed several broken vacuum tubes on the floor.  I knew then that the space monkey had destroyed any hope I had of diverting the asteroid away from the earth using his technology.

“Now why did you do that space monkey?” I asked.

“Because even though I love my sister I think that now the earth must die.  I will have my revenge upon the monsters who made me a monster.  Maybe with humans gone monkeys or rats or some other superior species will rise up and become worthy space and time travelers.  Maybe something better will arise out of the human extinction.  I think I've done good today.”

I was really peeved but, I knew the little twerp was just acting out of some  earth-creature inclination of melodrama.  Earth creatures always want stuff to have some deeper meaning when maybe they should be a little more shallow and accept the obvious. “Listen space monkey, I am still going to stop this but, if you don’t want to be marooned on this rock forever you need to come with me in my spacecraft right now.  Come on monkey, this is your last chance.’

“Sorry Space-rat but I’m going down with this stone.  My last thoughts will be those of pure satisfaction. For I will know that the progeny of those who tossed me into space will have their futures blow up in their faces.”

Suit yourself monkey,”  I said.  I then ran back to my spacecraft and quickly mounted the pilot’s seat.  I manually engaged the port side thrusters while maintaining my aft rudder in neutral.  The asteroid began to shimmy but, my thruster was not able to push the big rock into a trajectory that would miss the earth.  I needed more thrust to move the asteroid and I knew that the only way to create such a push was to detonate the tachyon hyper flight vale casing.  Of course that would move the asteroid but it would cause my spacecraft to go hurdling toward the earth.  I let it be so and away my ship flew toward the earth and away the asteroid and space monkey were pushed out into a non-threatening trajectory.  I and my spacecraft went hurdling through earth’s atmosphere.  Of course all the while my spaceship burned on the outside it became hotter and hotter on the inside until my hair began to singe.  I dismounted the pilot’s chair and jumped into a nearby spacesuit.  I didn't think I had much chance since I had the spacesuit made in by Enron and I had never tested it.  Anyway, I jumped out of my spacecraft which was now little more than a fireball traveling at Mach 10 and hurdling down toward a Russian lake.

My spacecraft as it plummeted into a Russian lake. 

Well, there you have it.  I saved the earth and my spacecraft is a big melted ball of plastic and caramelized papier-mâché lying at the bottom of a Russian lake.  l  am not proud to have save humankind but, maybe I can find the multiverse ship and return home to my many hundreds of spouses; not to mention my offspring.  

"One day I will return home"-Shiva.


         

Saturday, December 14, 2013

LIZARD BOY, A REAL MICHIGAN MONSTER

By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Publications

It has come to our attention that there is a strange creature lurking in North Western Michigan and his name is Lizard Boy. Many recent campers have cited this creature usually lying in the dirt slurping up worms and bugs. This would not be unusual for any creatures living in Northern Michigan including the people that live outside of town however, whenever Lizard Boy sees a person, he gets up on his hind legs, looks the person in the eye, they Lizard Boy runs away on his back legs with his long tail flapping behind him.

Besides his aforementioned flat tail, Lizard Boy is described as having a gray/brownish body with black bands on his tail. He also has four toes and four fingers with little suction cups on the ends of his fingers. His eyes are round and his mouth is what many describe, as a round suction cup. Lizard Boy is about 6-15 inches long. Below you can see a rough sketch done by our forensic scientist/sketch type person. This sketch is based upon over 100 sitings of Lizard Boy although, no one really knows if Lizard Boy is a boy, a girl or an it. The sketch is posted below at the bottom of this page.

Upon showing our sketch to the local Department Of Resources (DNR) Agents, they just laughed and said they had "...never seen anything like that before!!!". We asked the DNR if Lizard boy might be from some other world? The DNR responded that "based upon the sketch and descriptions of this creature, it is just as likely it comes from outer space...".

The person who had the closest encounter with this "alien" was a Mrs. Paula Blinder from the town of Wild Imagination Michigan. Paula stated, "I got up out of my tent one morning and there was this lizard thing cooking bacon on my camp stove. The thing looked at me, scrunched up its sucker mouth a couple of times, slurped down my bacon and took off on his back legs, running into the woods. I never saw him again after that but, that picture you have looks just like him."

So, that's the story of Lizard Boy. We can only hope that this Lizard Boy is not just a baby. We can only hope that there is not some bigger Lizard Momma or Lizard Daddy out there waiting to eat even larger pieces of your bacon. Maybe this creature is just a part of an invasion force from another planet. Let us hope not or all of our bacon will be in jeopardy.

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